HP Fanfic: Majority Rules (SB/RL/JP, SB/RL, JP/LE) [NC-17]
Title: Majority Rules
Pairing: mostly SB/RL/JP, eventual SB/RL and JP/LE
Rating: NC-17
Prompt: "Double Penetration: Sirius and James both want Remus so they decide to share him and make him theirs!" (I may have gone a wee bit off topic, but I did get the DP part of the request in.)
Written for the R/S Kink Meme
ONE EVENING IN JAMES’S BED:
Sirius and James were having it off, as two hormonal teenage boys with no sense of propriety living in the same dorm were wont to do, when Sirius had a brilliant thought.
“You know what would be sexy?” he said. “Remus.”
James paused for a moment to consider. “That would be sexy.”
“Sexier than Viola Averly’s rack,” Sirius continued. “I’m changing my material.”
“I’m still on Evans' knickers,” James replied. “That bit with the mirrors was genius. Who would’ve thought they’d be lacy,” he sighed happily. (It was an implicit agreement between the two of them that all wank fantasies were to be announced at inception-just so, y'know, they knew it wasn't them the other was thinking about, because that would make the whole hands-on-each-others'-cocks thing rather awkward.)
And that was as far as it went that time.
---
THAT WEEKEND:
“So,” James said, two days later and in a very similar situation. “Remus.”
“You too?”
“I thought you were on anonymous-sex-with-a-stranger-in-the-back-room-of-the-Leaky.”
“The stranger looks a lot like Remus,” Sirius admitted.
---
FOUR DAYS LATER:
“Remus again?”
“On a broomstick. Or maybe one of those Muggle wheely things. Not the cars, you know, the skinny ones, except they go vroom?”
“Motorbikes?”
“Yeah. On a motorbike.” He paused. “Can those fly?”
“Don’t think so, mate.”
“They should fly.”
“Remus on a flying motorbike, then?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Evans and Remus in the Prefect’s bathroom.”
Sirius whistled. “Nice.”
After they were thinking more coherently, though, he realized something.
“You know, they don’t use the same one.”
“They don’t call it the Prefect’s Boys’ bathroom, do they? Let a man dream.”
“About Evans’ nude body exposed to the hungry masses?”
James tossed a pillow at him.
---
THE NEXT WEEK:
“Remus. Right here, on the bed. On my prick to be more specific.” Sirius paused. “And sucking you off.”
“I’m stealing that.”
“Go ahead.”
“But not sucking me off. Both of us inside him. At once.”
“He’s a delicate flower of innocence!” Sirius protested. “You’ll tear him.”
“He didn’t sound like a delicate flower.”
“A delicate, very adventurous flower.”
“I see.”
“Who likes cock. A lot.”
--
A FEW DAYS AFTER THAT:
“…You really think we could both fit inside him at once?”
James shrugged, punctuating the movement with an expert twist of his wrist. “Why not? With enough oil, I bet we could. Not his first time, of course.”
“Ooo…scratch that for now. Deflowering Remus.”
James considered for a moment. “I suppose you can have that one. You’ve put in more of a time commitment to this whole endeavor.”
“What are you talking about? It’s just a fantasy-you can deflower him too, if you want.”
“I mean when we get him in here and do this for real.”
Sirius stared at him. “James Potter, you are utterly brilliant.”
And then he came all over James’s hand.
--
THE NEXT EVENING:
“Remus!” Sirius cried jovially as the boy entered the dorm. “Over here. We’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
Situations like this were the kind that ended up with Remus levitated against the ceiling of the Potions classroom trying to line up the fireworks. “Whatever it is, no.”
“Hear us out first!”
“No.”
So they summoned him, caught him, and tied him to the headboard.
---
SHORTLY THEREAFTER:
“Anyway,” James said. “Onto the reason we called you here. You. Us. Sex.”
Remus stared. “You’re having me on.”
“Are not,” Sirius replied.
“He’s been wanking over you for weeks,” James added. “I have too, just not as regularly,” he amended.
“How do you know he’s…oh god, that really is what you two do in here at night? Peter and I always joke about it but we figured you were plotting pranks or something…”
“We do that too, sometimes,” Sirius said. “We just do it while wanking. That one with the wind shooting straight up out of the stairs to the Great Hall? Yeah.”
“That was a good one,” James said fondly. “McKinnon’s robes blew up so far that you could see her bra.”
Remus cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’m sure you two find this all very amusing, but I would really appreciate it if you would let me up. Especially considering what you’ve apparently been up to on this bed.”
Sirius looked down at him contemplatively. “You want it.”
Remus flushed. “Do not.”
“He’s right,” James said, unceremoniously grabbing his crotch, and eliciting a loud yelp. “This is turning you on.”
“Is not!”
---
FIVE MINUTES LATER:
“…So suppose it were turning me on,” Remus said. “That doesn’t mean I want to have sex with the two of you.”
“And why the hell not?” Sirius exclaimed. “We’re both bloody fit, if I say so myself.”
“I would rather not be treated the way you two would treat anyone willing to have it off with both of you at once.”
“Now that’s just uncalled for!” said James. “We’re perfectly reasonable blokes. Respect the ladies and all that.”
“We had a threesome just last month with Juno White,” Sirius added, as if he thought this fact would be reassuring.
“I know,” said Remus. “Hard to miss, what with the way you kept leering at her for an entire week while making loud obnoxious jokes about how ‘it wasn’t just Black and White.’”
“You figured it out from that?” James seemed surprised.
“Half the school figured it out from that.” Remus frowned. “The poor girl is terrified that everyone thinks she’s a slag.”
James shrugged. “You have to admit, she really is.”
Sirius nodded. “Isn’t she having it off with Peter now?”
Remus gritted his teeth. “Peter comforted her all those times she ran off crying because you two were humiliating her in front of the entire school.”
“Oh. Good on him,” James said. “She’s got nice tits.”
“Crying?” Sirius asked. “Wouldn’t’ve shagged her if I’d known she was going to be such a wet blanket about it.”
---
AFTER MANY EXASPERATED SIGHS ON REMUS’S PART:
“So you two really don’t see a problem.”
Sirius looked at him patronizingly, as if to say, Well, no, that’s because there isn’t one. It was really far less insulting than it should have been, due to the things his hand was currently doing on Remus’s (unwilling!) chest.
“Just because Juno can’t take a joke…” James began, but was cut off by Remus’s glare. “I mean, no, why don’t you tell us what the problem is, Remus?”
“The problem is that you two behave like utter gits to someone as soon as you get them in bed!”
“Aww, Moony,” Sirius cooed. “I would never behave like an utter git to you!”
“How’s this: if we start acting like arses-to you! Just you!-then you can Obliviate us and we’ll forget the whole sex thing ever happened,” James proposed.
Remus stared at him incredulously. “Seriously?”
“Will that get us into your trousers?” Sirius asked eagerly.
Remus screwed up his brow in thought, biting his lip. “I-maybe.”
“Then yes.”
---
FORTY MINUTES LATER:
“Hey!” Sirius pouted. “You never do that to me.”
“Mmn fmmph nn-m hmph nm-hmm”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
Remus looked at Sirius with as much bewilderment as someone in the midst of receiving a blowjob could muster.
“He said that we’re just mates having a wank together, whereas you’re someone he wants to shag.”
“Mph mm-nn nphm mmhh.”
“And that I never give him blowjobs either.”
---
THIRTY MINUTES AFTER THAT:
“That’s my-!”
“Mm-hm.”
“And you’re-!”
“Mm-hm.”
“But-!”
“I don’t see what you’re so worked up about,” James interrupted. “He Scourgified it and everything.”
“But it’s still my-!”
“Sirius has a rule that he never sticks his cock anywhere he wouldn’t stick his tongue,” James said. “I’ve never asked if there’s a story behind that, and I don’t intend to.”
Sirius pulled his head back. “Just a principle,” he said, before returning his mouth to other pursuits.
“Hang on, his cock? You’re really going to-“
“Fuck you? Yes.”
“You haven’t even-“
“Asked you yet? No.” James smirked at him. “But you’re going to say yes. Don’t act like your prick didn’t just twitch at the thought. I saw it.”
“That’s…um...oh god, Sirius, do that again.“
---
HALF AN HOUR LATER:
And that was how Remus found himself tied to James Potter’s bed with Sirius Black’s cock up his arse.
“We-ah!-should really-mm!-close the-oh fuck-curtains,” he panted.
“Don’t worry,” James murmured in his ear, without stopping the movement of his hand on Remus’s shaft. “I have it on good authority that Peter’s snuck off to Hogsmeade with Juno White of the D-cup busom.”
“Won’t be back for hours,” Sirius grunted, hips pumping steadily. “You feel fucking amazing by the way.”
“No one likes a braggart, Sirius.”
“It was a complement, not-mm!- a ‘Look, I’m shagging Remus and you aren’t!’” Sirius protested.
“Yes, I’m sure that’s the kind of complement he’s has always wanted to receive. Isn’t that right Remus?” James asked, turning his gaze from Sirius’s prick plunging in and out of Remus to look at his flushed face.
“Huh?-uhnn…yeah…feels good…”
“…Stop smirking Sirius, no one likes a cocky bastard either.”
---
TWENTY MINUTES LATER:
Remus had a few blessed minutes to catch his breath after Sirius pulled out, before they untied his arms and guided him to roll over onto his stomach. Thumbs spread the cheeks of his arse, and James examined his stretched and dripping hole. “Wow, he really fucked you good, huh?” he chuckled, before climbing on top of him, prick gently poking at his entrance. “You’re still so loose,” he breathed into Remus’s ear. “I could just slide right in…”
But instead he rubbed along the cleft of Remus’s arse, wet with oil and Sirius’s leaking come. “Sirius is glaring at me though,” he continued. “I don’t know whether he’s worried because it was your first time, or he has an exaggerated opinion of the size of his own dick, but he’s probably right-you must be sore.”
“Hey!” Sirius protested. “This thing is a fucking anaconda. Wait, I don’t want to think about anything Slytherin-related with respect to my penis. This thing is a fucking…uh…a fucking big dick.”
“I believe the inherent rules of manhood now require me to make some disparaging remark about the size of your prick in comparison to my own, but then you might stick it in me again to prove a point, and I don’t think my arse could take that thing right now.”
“You talk too much for someone I’m shagging,” James said above him, still sliding his cock back and forth in Remus’s crevice. “You were so incoherent earlier, too.”
“Oh god, you’re not going to try to make me come again, are you? I don’t think I can.”
“Don’t look so smug, Sirius, I had just as much of a hand in those orgasms as you did.”
“I didn’t have a ‘hand’ in the last one, I had a prick. In Remus."
“Very funny-oh fuck, Remus, clench like that again. Aw, yeah.” He broke off into short gasps, thrusting furiously against Remus’s arse for a minute before coming all over his back.
“You are not leaving these sheets for the house-elves to pick up as-is,” Remus stated, as some of it trickled down his sides onto the bed.
“Wasn’t planning on it. Cleaning charms all around,” said James.
“And a shower too,” added Sirius, “but that has less to do with getting clean and more to do with me staring at you naked.”
---
IN THE SHOWER:
“So, Remus, when do you think your arse will be feeling better?” James asked.
“It’s not that bad. A couple days at most.”
“Great. Because it and my cock have an appointment.”
“What makes you think I want to go through that again?” Remus asked, but found it hard to summon irritation after just having come three times in two hours.
They both snickered. “You must not have heard yourself,” Sirius said.
“Oh, god, yes!” James mimicked. “Ah! Fuck! Right there! Mmm! More!”
Remus considered being indignant, but Sirius’s hands had just started doing something lovely to his shoulders (which were understandably tense), so he decided to let it go.
---
THREE DAYS LATER:
“Never…thought you’d…be so-ah!-into kissing,” Remus panted as Sirius finally dragged his mouth away from his.
“He isn’t, usually,” James said, glancing up from where he was pounding Remus into the mattress.
“Then how come-” He broke off, as Sirius’s mouth attached to a very different part of his anatomy, and that line of conversation was forgotten entirely.
---
THE NEXT WEEK, TWO DAYS BEFORE THE FULL MOON:
“So are you hornier than usual around now?” Sirius asked, apropos of nothing.
“He’s pretty horny already,” commented James, just as Remus asked,
“Why would I be?”
“You know. Waxing gibbous.”
“Why the fuck would that make me horny?” Remus sputtered. “If anything, I think I’d be less in the mood.”
James nodded. “Makes sense. They say fear is an aphrodisiac, but I don’t think dread has quite the same effect.”
“Well, you know,” Sirius said. “Monthly cycle and all that.”
“What?”
“Lots of birds, right before that time of the month, they totally want it.”
“What the bloody fuck does that have to do with me?” Remus half-yelled.
“Think of the similarities. Both release a furious inner beast, generally end in bloodshed, and run on a 28 day cycle.”
Remus gaped at him, not sure quite how to respond. He finally settled on making a rude gesture and walking out of the room.
“If you turn into an insatiable sex fiend tomorrow, don’t come whining to me!” Sirius called after him.
---
THE NEXT DAY:
“So, are you sure you’re not horny?”
Remus’s response was much the same as before.
---
THE DAY AFTER THE FULL MOON:
“I can’t believe you tried to hump a werewolf.”
“He loved it.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me,” James piped in.
“Shut it, Prongs. You’re just jealous that your animagus form can’t give Moony the loving he needs.”
“He doesn’t need loving!” Remus protested.
“Oh, I see how it is. So you’re perfectly willing to take care of your own needs, but the wolf can’t have any action on the one night a month he gets to come out? I’m surprised at you, Remus.”
“I can’t believe you want to hump a werewolf!”
“It’s not a question of whether I want to, it’s a question of what my tender heart compels me to do,” Sirius said, placing a hand on his chest. “And it compels me to offer sweet loving-in the form of my dick-to poor, sexually starved werewolves.”
“He doesn’t want your dick!” Remus protested.
“Is that the issue? I have to say, you never really struck me as an alpha, Remus, but if you’d rather…” He waggled his eyebrows.
Remus responded with a punch to the jaw.
“You really should have seen that coming,” James said as Remus slammed the door on his way down to the common room. “I’m surprised it took him that long.”
“You think now would be a bad time to go ask if he wants to practice giving blowjobs?” Sirius asked, rubbing his jaw.
“Yes.”
“What about if he wants to practice getting blowjobs?”
“Maybe tomorrow.”
---
THE NEXT DAY:
“So, Moony, want to practice getting blowjobs?”
“…There has to be a catch there.”
“What makes you think that?”
“You’re asking me.”
“Got you hard, didn’t it?” Sirius dropped to his knees. “I’m taking that as a yes, by the way.”
---
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
“Starting without me? I’m hurt,” James said as he entered the room.
“You shouldn’t be. I’ve got Remus all loose and ready for you while you were off doing Merlin-knows-what.”
“S-showering, I would-mm!-guess from the towel,” Remus said, the sprinkled moans somewhat ruining the dry tone of the comment.
“For me? How generous. Or it just that he’s still too naffed off at you to let you do it?”
“You know, you’re very bad at acting grateful.”
“So sorry. Now move,” James said, pushing him aside. “My turn. Hands and knees, Remus.”
---
MID-SHAG:
“So, Remus, want to try giving a blowjob while getting fucked?”
“Ah-mm!-s-sure”
“Careful now,” Sirius said, kneeling in front of him. “Don’t let James push you too far onto it.”
James gave him a look over Remus’s head that clearly said, ‘You are so dead once he remembers he’s angry with you.’
The flobberworms in his bed the next day were completely worth it.
---
TWO DAYS LATER:
“The Concealment charm on the flobberworms was a nice touch.”
“Thank you,” Remus said, not looking up from his essay.
“I can’t help but notice that you haven’t Obliviated me yet.”
“Haven’t I?”
“Not that I recall.” Sirius grinned. “Not that I would, but the important bit is that I still remember shagging you.”
“Maybe I just did a poor job of it.”
“If you did, then I’m attributing it to a subconscious desire to keep shagging me.”
“Perhaps. You can do some rather amazing things with your tongue.”
“So are we even now?”
Remus pondered for a minute. “I suppose.”
“Great. Meet me in the Divination classroom in half an hour.”
---
DIVINATION CLASSROOM, THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER:
“So why here?”
“This ottoman. It’s bouncy. I’ve always wanted to shag on it.”
“…You and James dropped out of Divination in third year. Four classes in if I recall correctly.”
“It was very memorable!” Sirius sat on it and bounced up and down a little. “See? Look at that rebound.”
“Doesn’t look that special to me.”
“You only say that because you never took Divination,” Sirius said. “Under my arse lies the best thing about this entire classroom.”
“Sorry I’m late!” James called out as he entered. His face lit up as he saw where Sirius was sitting. “We’re shagging on the bouncy ottoman? Brilliant.”
---
HALF AN HOUR LATER:
Bouncing up and down on Sirius’s lap, with each thrust pushing him upwards into James’s mouth, Remus had to admit that the ottoman was rather brilliant after all.
---
THE NEXT WEEK:
“Raid Filch’s office? What, you still want to rescue that Hair-Eating Quill he confiscated off you in first year?” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“He didn’t take it off me!” James protested. “I used to leave it on a table in the library and wait for someone-preferably someone who hunches over their essays-to use it.”
Sirius smiled fondly. “Remember the time Narcissa picked it up? And she sits so straight while writing that we thought it wouldn’t work, but then she scratched her head?”
James grinned. “She screamed like a bloody banshee.” He sighed nostalgically. “You think Filch still has it?”
“We should check. But no, Remus, that’s not what we want from Filch’s office.”
“Peter’s old Self-Wrapping Scarf?” Remus ventured.
Sirius shuddered. “Ugh, no. That thing was terrifyingly affectionate.”
Remus raised an eyebrow at James. “The only other thing he wouldn’t have destroyed on the spot is that pair of your boxers you charmed to lurk on the ceiling and drop on people’s heads.”
“They touched Snivellus, do you really think I’d want them back?”
“What do you want with Filch’s office, then?”
James grinned. “Well, you know how he’s always complaining that his manacles never see any use?”
“You are not-”
“So we thought we ought to help him out,” Sirius added.
“No. Those things are like his children,” protested Remus. “He’ll notice they were disturbed, he’ll know the Marauders are the only ones insane enough to have done it, and he will make us pay.”
They considered this for a moment.
“…Can I at least get my quill back?” James asked. “I want to see how much of Snivellus’s hair it can eat before it dies a horrible, greasy death.”
---
TWO DAYS LATER, QUILL SAFELY RECOVERED:
Unfortunately for Remus, it appeared that smashing Sirius and James’s fantasies of raiding Filch’s bondage trove meant that he was now somehow obligated to agree to something equally exciting.
“Under the invisibility cloak in the Great Hall?”
“I assume you mean during dinner? That’s ridiculous, the cloak barely covers the three of us standing still.”
“The three of us and Peter!” James corrected.
“He turns into a rat and sits in your pocket, I hardly think his absence would have any impact on our ability to screw under the cloak without it riding up somewhere.”
“All right, I see your point.” James sighed. “McGonagall’s desk?”
Sirius shook his head. “She’ll smell it the instant she turns into a cat. How about in the common room, middle of the night?”
“Too risky,” Remus replied. “We can’t be the only ones who are ever out of bed after curfew.”
“In bed, then,” said James.
“I thought the goal of this was-”
“With both of us fucking you at once,” he finished.
“What?”
“You heard me. Both of our pricks in your arse at the same time.”
“That would never work!”
“It would. Want to try?” James leered.
“No. Absolutely not.”
---
SEVERAL DAYS LATER:
“…You really think you could both fit inside me at once?”
Sirius and James exchanged pleased smiles-the sort of smile Remus usually associated with them having caused something to explode across the room. Apparently the smile had a different meaning while naked.
“With enough oil,” James replied, hands stroking up Remus’s thighs. “A lot of oil. As much oil as-“
“Please don’t go there,” interrupted Remus.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!” James protested.
“Yes I do.”
Sirius shrugged. “He’s got you there, mate. You and comparative levels of grease only ever lead to-“
“Please. I have an erection here, you know.”
“But I could have been going to say…uh…as much oil as…” James stopped and thought for a minute. “You’re right. There really isn’t a sexy way to finish that statement that’s not a tautology.”
“As much oil as it would take for both of us to fuck you at once,” Sirius said resolutely, apparently undaunted by tautologies. “Which is a lot of oil.”
“You’re…really sure you could do it?”
James grinned. “Why, Mr. Moony, I do believe you’re interested!”
“Certainly seems that way,” Sirius said, throwing an arm around Remus’s shoulders. “What say you, Moony? Want to find out exactly how much oil that is?”
Remus blushed, looking down at his lap…and promptly turned even redder as his gaze landed on his prick, which was very clearly interested in the proceedings-pointing straight up at his face, fluid leaking from the tip.
“No need to be shy about it,” Sirius murmured into his ear, tongue flicking out to run along the rim.
Before he was even done gasping, James's thumb was swirling around the head of his prick , rubbing the fluid there over the head. He scooted closer, until he was pressed up against Remus’s side.
“Do you want to try it?” he breathed hotly into Remus’s other ear.
It was really quite difficult for Remus to process things at the moment, what with both his ears getting nibbled at once. He moaned instead.
Sirius’s hand crept between his legs-palm cupping his balls, fingers wiggling under him to tap gently at his hole. “Think about it. Both of us in here, stretching you, filling you up more than you’ve ever been filled before…”
“Was thinking about it. Why-ah-else would I mention it?”
“And your verdict?” James kissed a line down his neck.
“I guess I’m…nn...up for it if you are.”
Sirius grinned. “Oh, we’re definitely up for it.”
“If you weren’t holding my bollocks, I’d hit you for that one.”
"Allow me," James said, reaching across Remus to swat Sirius on the back.
Sirius scoffed. "You were thinking the exact same thing."
"I know he was, but he didn't say it."
---
FORTY MINUTES LATER:
And that was how Remus found himself with four fingers up his arse, hoping desperately that one of them knew a cleaning charm that would get oil out of sheets.
“You think that’s enough?” Sirius asked, his fingers tangling with James’s inside Remus.
“Uh…don’t really know,” panted Remus.
“Why don’t you impale yourself on Sirius, and we’ll see how much room is left?” suggested James.
“…Impale myself? Creepy way to put it.”
“You think so?” James pouted. “I thought it might be sexy.”
“Less talk, more impaling,” Sirius interjected.
---
POST-IMPALATION:
“Like a knife through butter,” Sirius said with great satisfaction.
“Can we-mm-stop with the violent metaphors?”
“Butter knives aren’t violent,” James objected, sliding a finger in next to Sirius’s cock. “My finger’s still going in easily,” he commented, adding another.
“Fuck, that feels weird,” Sirius said. “Good weird, though.”
“Feels like it’ll fit. Remus, you ready for this?” James asked, pressing his chest up against Remus’s back, prick rubbing against the cheeks of his arse.
“Y-yeah.”
James’s cock butted up against where Sirius’s met the rim of his hole. “Probably easiest if I do this,” he commented, hooking a finger inside Remus and pulling it towards himself, stretching him. He lined the head of his prick up between his finger and Sirius’s shaft, and pushed up slowly…
The very tip of his cock slid inside, then a bit more-about half of the head.
“You okay, Remus?” Sirius asked breathily. “James, pull your finger out before your dick gets any wider.”
“I was going to!” James insisted, doing just that. “Remus, like we said, tell us if it’s too much.”
“If it is, we’ll stop right away. We’ll even put a shrinking spell on our pricks so they don’t hurt on the way out,” Sirius added.
Remus laughed, but James looked rather indignant.
“You don’t promise to put a shrinking spell on a man’s prick without asking him first!”
“I don’t think it’ll-ah-be an issue, James,” said Remus. “Keep going.”
Affront forgotten, James pressed forward. The head of his cock popped inside Remus, who let out a tight gasp at the sensation-and once that was done, the next few inches slid in with little trouble.
“Fuck,” moaned Remus, clutching at Sirius’s back.
“More?”
He nodded. James pushed in the rest of the way, his prick slipping against Sirius’s, stretching Remus wide open. They began to thrust, both of them, sliding against each other and into him with obscene squelching sounds.
“You like that, Remus?” James breathed. “Two cocks in you at once?”
“Nn,” he groaned.
“Think that’s-ah!-a yes,” Sirius panted, breaking off to kiss Remus frantically.
James came first, having been at a better angle for movement, and pulled out quickly, presumably to escape the friction of Sirius’s still vigorously thrusting cock. His come dripped down Sirius’s shaft as it plunged into Remus’s loosened hole, slicking the way even further. James wrapped his fingers around Remus’s erection, the back of his hand brushing Sirius’s stomach as he stroked.
“Ah-mm-ah-fuck!” Remus’s come hit Sirius’s chest, dripping down onto James’s hand.
Sirius gasped, presumably in reaction to Remus’s body tensing. “Fuck,” he moaned, arching his hips up against Remus, balls twitching as he came.
Remus collapsed on top of him with a small whimper. “Think I might stay in bed tomorrow,” he said. “Not to say that wasn’t brilliant, but the thought of walking doesn’t exactly appeal at the moment.”
“That was brilliant,” said James. “I’m a genius.”
“No one likes a cocky bastard, James,” mumbled Sirius.
“I do, apparently,” Remus said. “Two of them, in fact.”
---
### IF YOU'D LIKE TO IMAGINE THREESOMES FOREVER, STOP HERE. OTHERWISE, CONTINUE. ###
### (Not to mistakenly imply there will be a tonal shift, because this has a super-happy ending, but it starts heading towards SBRL + JPLE after this point) ###
---
A MONTH AND A HALF LATER:
“I think you’re in love with him.”
Sirius blinked. “What?”
“Moony. You’re in love with him.”
“Where’d that come from?”
“You…I don’t know, you get kind of…squishy when it comes to him. Like he’s a little orphan kitten. That you like to shag.”
“I don’t shag kittens, Prongs.”
“I meant that you worry about him, even though we all know he can take care of himself. And you also clearly think he’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen, and when you put those two together, it makes him-”
“A little orphan kitten that I like to shag, apparently.”
“No, you berk, someone you’re in love with.”
“Oh.” Sirius frowned a little. “Huh. I guess I never thought about it that way.”
“Well, puzzle it over if you need to, but I think it’s pretty obvious.”
“Maybe you’re just daft. I need to ruminate on this.”
“This isn’t going to interfere with the activities we had planned for tonight, is it?”
“A real man can ruminate and shag at the same time, Prongs. Not that you'd know anything about that, I suppose.”
"You tosser! I try to help you sort out your love life and you insult my masculinity!"
Rumination was momentarily forgotten in favor of brief scuffles on the floor.
--
AFTER A WEEK OF RUMINATION:
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Remus’s eyes widened. “What?”
“I’m in love with you.”
“You…what makes you think that?”
“I don’t know, I guess I…get more concerned about you. I don’t want anything to hurt you. Silly things, even, things that I wouldn’t give a damn about if they happened to me or James. It’s funny when James gets hexed, but when it’s you I just…get furious. Give all of Slytherin tails.”
“That’s why you did that? Because Rosier hexed my mouth shut?”
“Well, that and it was just funny. But no. Err, I mean, no that’s not what I’m talking about. I care about you-especially, I mean. And I like kissing you.”
“Is that unusual for you?”
He nodded. “I used to think of kissing as a tool used to get birds out of their knickers.” He sighed. “Look, I know how I feel. I wanted to ask…do you…could we…am I different from James?”
“Well, your hair is longer, for one.”
“You really know how to treat a bloke who’s pouring his heart out to you, Moony," Sirius said dryly. "You know what I meant. Do you…have feelings for me? Beyond friendship and appreciation of my skilled tongue?”
“I…maybe,” Remus said softly. “I need to think about it.”
“Think all you want. Can I kiss you in the meantime?”
--
20 MINUTES LATER:
“You know,” Remus panted, finally dragging his lips away from Sirius’s, “I think I might.”
--
THREE HOURS LATER:
And that was how Remus found himself on Sirius Black’s bed, covered in come and with no James in sight.
“…So does this mean we’re dumping James?”
“Be a bit silly of me to get jealous now, wouldn’t it? We can keep him if you’d like.”
“Could be fun.”
“But there needs to be more kissing. And maybe sometimes we can kick James out of bed for some post-coital cuddling. People do that, I’ve heard.” He paused. “Cuddle, that is, not kick James out of bed.”
“Sounds fantastic.” Remus grinned. “Quite possibly the best idea you've ever had.”
"I know it would be rude to disagree with that, but I can't help but feel that you're insulting my idea-making prowess."
"Pretty much," said Remus.
--
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER:
“James Potter, I believe I once said that if you could go three months without publicly humiliating anyone, throwing the entire school into chaos, or propositioning me, I would go on a walk with you.” Lily sighed. “At the time I wasn’t expecting you to ever actually manage it, but I’m a woman of my word.”
James gaped. “It’s been three months?” He thought hard for a moment. “I guess it has, hasn’t it?” His face lit up.
“Unfortunately for me.”
“So, a walk? In Hogsmeade?”
“Don’t push your luck. I’m quite certain you had something to do with Severus’s sudden bald spot. And the daffodils growing out of the dungeon floor. And the sudden intangibility of several steps on the school staircases. And-”
“I see your point,” said James. “Around the grounds, then?”
“I suppose. Tell me, though, how did you suddenly develop a modicum of self-restraint?”
“Remus.”
“Remus? So living with a Prefect is a good influence on you.”
James grinned. “You have no idea.”
--
THAT EVENING:
“So how do I get Evans to fall for me?”
“Tie her to your bed and ask if she wants to have a threesome with you and Sirius,” Remus replied evenly.
“I can vouch for the effectiveness of that strategy.”
“Very funny. Now really! I have to make her enjoy walking with me.”
“Don’t be so worried,” Remus said. “She clearly wanted to go on the walk with you, or she would never have brought it up.”
James blinked. “She…did, didn’t she? I’d forgotten she’d even said that.” He grinned. “Well, Remus, not to imply that you aren’t fit-because you’re apparently distracting enough to put me on my best behaviour for three months-but count me out tonight.” He paused. “Maybe from now on.”
“Your loss,” said Sirius. “Now go get her, you stud.”
“I intend to!” James responded, getting up and heading towards the door. “Enjoy your debauchery, lads!”
And they did.
--
SEVERAL YEARS LATER:
“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius said, “that maybe I shouldn’t be the Secret Keeper. I’m the person they’ll be expecting. And you know I would never betray you willingly, but…I don’t know how good I’d be against Imperio.”
James pondered this for a long moment. “How about Remus?”
“My thought exactly.”
---
MANY YEARS LATER:
“Thanks again for letting me use your library, Draco.”
“I can’t imagine it’ll be much help, but you’re welcome anytime.”
Harry shrugged. “I think Dumbledore’s logic is that whatever research he did to make the Horcruxes, some of it was probably here. Your father was You-Know-Who’s right-hand man, after all…no offense.”
“None taken. I never even knew the man.”
“Probably for the best. Does your mother ever talk about him?”
“Never. When I ask about him she avoids the topic. I’d like to think it’s because she didn’t know what he was, but…”
“Dad says there was no way of knowing.”
“That may have been true in Pettigrew’s case, but…” he sighed. “Anyway, the most I’ve ever got out of her is when she lost her temper and told me to go ask my uncle if I wanted to know so badly.”
“Which one?”
“Remus, I figured. So I did, and he starts giving me the ‘Oh Draco, I’m so sorry you had to grow up without a father, I wish things could have been different, so on and so forth.’ Then Sirius walks in, and tells me my dad was an utter git and Remus clearly did me a favor by killing him, seeing as I’d turned out insufferable enough on my own.” He paused. “So I finally decided I didn’t want to know. I thanked Remus and left it at that.”
“Sirius never calls me insufferable.”
“Yes, well, you’re his favorite. Speaking of favorites, why send you here and not someone more research oriented?”
“Because I’m me.” Harry snorted. “They’re still convinced I’m the one destined to snuff out whatever little bit of You-Know-Who’s soul is still flitting about causing trouble.”
“I’ll leave you to it then. The particularly horrible books are in a secret compartment behind that tapestry. I’m going to get a fire started, it’s bloody cold in here.” He flicked his wand at the massive fireplace, and a large blaze flared up.
“Let’s see… The Trials of the Pure of Blood… The Many Uses of Muggles, Dead and Alive… Our Rightful Dominion…and…what’s this?” He pulled out a small, leather-bound book and flipped it open. “It’s…blank? Draco, have you seen this before? It was wedged in the back corner.”
Draco looked over. “Not that I recall.”
“Hold on, I think there’s something written on the inside cover…it’s too faded to read in this light, though.” Harry strode over towards the fireplace, book in hand.
“Watch out for that gargoyle, it attacks anyone who’s not-”
The warning came too late, as the gargoyle in question sprang to life and took a swipe at Harry. He tripped, flailed, and the diary flew out of his hand and straight into the fireplace.
“Let me guess, a pureblood?” He looked around. “Where did that book land-oh fuck!” he cried, noticing the diary, which was nearly ashes already.
“Don’t worry about it,” Draco said. “I doubt it was anything important.”
Harry nodded, straightening the odds and ends that had been disturbed by his fall. “Hey, is this a Muggle pen? It seems so out of place in here.”
“My mother is terrified of quills. Merlin only knows why.”
THE END
Pairing: mostly SB/RL/JP, eventual SB/RL and JP/LE
Rating: NC-17
Prompt: "Double Penetration: Sirius and James both want Remus so they decide to share him and make him theirs!" (I may have gone a wee bit off topic, but I did get the DP part of the request in.)
Written for the R/S Kink Meme
ONE EVENING IN JAMES’S BED:
Sirius and James were having it off, as two hormonal teenage boys with no sense of propriety living in the same dorm were wont to do, when Sirius had a brilliant thought.
“You know what would be sexy?” he said. “Remus.”
James paused for a moment to consider. “That would be sexy.”
“Sexier than Viola Averly’s rack,” Sirius continued. “I’m changing my material.”
“I’m still on Evans' knickers,” James replied. “That bit with the mirrors was genius. Who would’ve thought they’d be lacy,” he sighed happily. (It was an implicit agreement between the two of them that all wank fantasies were to be announced at inception-just so, y'know, they knew it wasn't them the other was thinking about, because that would make the whole hands-on-each-others'-cocks thing rather awkward.)
And that was as far as it went that time.
---
THAT WEEKEND:
“So,” James said, two days later and in a very similar situation. “Remus.”
“You too?”
“I thought you were on anonymous-sex-with-a-stranger-in-the-back-room-of-the-Leaky.”
“The stranger looks a lot like Remus,” Sirius admitted.
---
FOUR DAYS LATER:
“Remus again?”
“On a broomstick. Or maybe one of those Muggle wheely things. Not the cars, you know, the skinny ones, except they go vroom?”
“Motorbikes?”
“Yeah. On a motorbike.” He paused. “Can those fly?”
“Don’t think so, mate.”
“They should fly.”
“Remus on a flying motorbike, then?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Evans and Remus in the Prefect’s bathroom.”
Sirius whistled. “Nice.”
After they were thinking more coherently, though, he realized something.
“You know, they don’t use the same one.”
“They don’t call it the Prefect’s Boys’ bathroom, do they? Let a man dream.”
“About Evans’ nude body exposed to the hungry masses?”
James tossed a pillow at him.
---
THE NEXT WEEK:
“Remus. Right here, on the bed. On my prick to be more specific.” Sirius paused. “And sucking you off.”
“I’m stealing that.”
“Go ahead.”
“But not sucking me off. Both of us inside him. At once.”
“He’s a delicate flower of innocence!” Sirius protested. “You’ll tear him.”
“He didn’t sound like a delicate flower.”
“A delicate, very adventurous flower.”
“I see.”
“Who likes cock. A lot.”
--
A FEW DAYS AFTER THAT:
“…You really think we could both fit inside him at once?”
James shrugged, punctuating the movement with an expert twist of his wrist. “Why not? With enough oil, I bet we could. Not his first time, of course.”
“Ooo…scratch that for now. Deflowering Remus.”
James considered for a moment. “I suppose you can have that one. You’ve put in more of a time commitment to this whole endeavor.”
“What are you talking about? It’s just a fantasy-you can deflower him too, if you want.”
“I mean when we get him in here and do this for real.”
Sirius stared at him. “James Potter, you are utterly brilliant.”
And then he came all over James’s hand.
--
THE NEXT EVENING:
“Remus!” Sirius cried jovially as the boy entered the dorm. “Over here. We’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
Situations like this were the kind that ended up with Remus levitated against the ceiling of the Potions classroom trying to line up the fireworks. “Whatever it is, no.”
“Hear us out first!”
“No.”
So they summoned him, caught him, and tied him to the headboard.
---
SHORTLY THEREAFTER:
“Anyway,” James said. “Onto the reason we called you here. You. Us. Sex.”
Remus stared. “You’re having me on.”
“Are not,” Sirius replied.
“He’s been wanking over you for weeks,” James added. “I have too, just not as regularly,” he amended.
“How do you know he’s…oh god, that really is what you two do in here at night? Peter and I always joke about it but we figured you were plotting pranks or something…”
“We do that too, sometimes,” Sirius said. “We just do it while wanking. That one with the wind shooting straight up out of the stairs to the Great Hall? Yeah.”
“That was a good one,” James said fondly. “McKinnon’s robes blew up so far that you could see her bra.”
Remus cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’m sure you two find this all very amusing, but I would really appreciate it if you would let me up. Especially considering what you’ve apparently been up to on this bed.”
Sirius looked down at him contemplatively. “You want it.”
Remus flushed. “Do not.”
“He’s right,” James said, unceremoniously grabbing his crotch, and eliciting a loud yelp. “This is turning you on.”
“Is not!”
---
FIVE MINUTES LATER:
“…So suppose it were turning me on,” Remus said. “That doesn’t mean I want to have sex with the two of you.”
“And why the hell not?” Sirius exclaimed. “We’re both bloody fit, if I say so myself.”
“I would rather not be treated the way you two would treat anyone willing to have it off with both of you at once.”
“Now that’s just uncalled for!” said James. “We’re perfectly reasonable blokes. Respect the ladies and all that.”
“We had a threesome just last month with Juno White,” Sirius added, as if he thought this fact would be reassuring.
“I know,” said Remus. “Hard to miss, what with the way you kept leering at her for an entire week while making loud obnoxious jokes about how ‘it wasn’t just Black and White.’”
“You figured it out from that?” James seemed surprised.
“Half the school figured it out from that.” Remus frowned. “The poor girl is terrified that everyone thinks she’s a slag.”
James shrugged. “You have to admit, she really is.”
Sirius nodded. “Isn’t she having it off with Peter now?”
Remus gritted his teeth. “Peter comforted her all those times she ran off crying because you two were humiliating her in front of the entire school.”
“Oh. Good on him,” James said. “She’s got nice tits.”
“Crying?” Sirius asked. “Wouldn’t’ve shagged her if I’d known she was going to be such a wet blanket about it.”
---
AFTER MANY EXASPERATED SIGHS ON REMUS’S PART:
“So you two really don’t see a problem.”
Sirius looked at him patronizingly, as if to say, Well, no, that’s because there isn’t one. It was really far less insulting than it should have been, due to the things his hand was currently doing on Remus’s (unwilling!) chest.
“Just because Juno can’t take a joke…” James began, but was cut off by Remus’s glare. “I mean, no, why don’t you tell us what the problem is, Remus?”
“The problem is that you two behave like utter gits to someone as soon as you get them in bed!”
“Aww, Moony,” Sirius cooed. “I would never behave like an utter git to you!”
“How’s this: if we start acting like arses-to you! Just you!-then you can Obliviate us and we’ll forget the whole sex thing ever happened,” James proposed.
Remus stared at him incredulously. “Seriously?”
“Will that get us into your trousers?” Sirius asked eagerly.
Remus screwed up his brow in thought, biting his lip. “I-maybe.”
“Then yes.”
---
FORTY MINUTES LATER:
“Hey!” Sirius pouted. “You never do that to me.”
“Mmn fmmph nn-m hmph nm-hmm”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
Remus looked at Sirius with as much bewilderment as someone in the midst of receiving a blowjob could muster.
“He said that we’re just mates having a wank together, whereas you’re someone he wants to shag.”
“Mph mm-nn nphm mmhh.”
“And that I never give him blowjobs either.”
---
THIRTY MINUTES AFTER THAT:
“That’s my-!”
“Mm-hm.”
“And you’re-!”
“Mm-hm.”
“But-!”
“I don’t see what you’re so worked up about,” James interrupted. “He Scourgified it and everything.”
“But it’s still my-!”
“Sirius has a rule that he never sticks his cock anywhere he wouldn’t stick his tongue,” James said. “I’ve never asked if there’s a story behind that, and I don’t intend to.”
Sirius pulled his head back. “Just a principle,” he said, before returning his mouth to other pursuits.
“Hang on, his cock? You’re really going to-“
“Fuck you? Yes.”
“You haven’t even-“
“Asked you yet? No.” James smirked at him. “But you’re going to say yes. Don’t act like your prick didn’t just twitch at the thought. I saw it.”
“That’s…um...oh god, Sirius, do that again.“
---
HALF AN HOUR LATER:
And that was how Remus found himself tied to James Potter’s bed with Sirius Black’s cock up his arse.
“We-ah!-should really-mm!-close the-oh fuck-curtains,” he panted.
“Don’t worry,” James murmured in his ear, without stopping the movement of his hand on Remus’s shaft. “I have it on good authority that Peter’s snuck off to Hogsmeade with Juno White of the D-cup busom.”
“Won’t be back for hours,” Sirius grunted, hips pumping steadily. “You feel fucking amazing by the way.”
“No one likes a braggart, Sirius.”
“It was a complement, not-mm!- a ‘Look, I’m shagging Remus and you aren’t!’” Sirius protested.
“Yes, I’m sure that’s the kind of complement he’s has always wanted to receive. Isn’t that right Remus?” James asked, turning his gaze from Sirius’s prick plunging in and out of Remus to look at his flushed face.
“Huh?-uhnn…yeah…feels good…”
“…Stop smirking Sirius, no one likes a cocky bastard either.”
---
TWENTY MINUTES LATER:
Remus had a few blessed minutes to catch his breath after Sirius pulled out, before they untied his arms and guided him to roll over onto his stomach. Thumbs spread the cheeks of his arse, and James examined his stretched and dripping hole. “Wow, he really fucked you good, huh?” he chuckled, before climbing on top of him, prick gently poking at his entrance. “You’re still so loose,” he breathed into Remus’s ear. “I could just slide right in…”
But instead he rubbed along the cleft of Remus’s arse, wet with oil and Sirius’s leaking come. “Sirius is glaring at me though,” he continued. “I don’t know whether he’s worried because it was your first time, or he has an exaggerated opinion of the size of his own dick, but he’s probably right-you must be sore.”
“Hey!” Sirius protested. “This thing is a fucking anaconda. Wait, I don’t want to think about anything Slytherin-related with respect to my penis. This thing is a fucking…uh…a fucking big dick.”
“I believe the inherent rules of manhood now require me to make some disparaging remark about the size of your prick in comparison to my own, but then you might stick it in me again to prove a point, and I don’t think my arse could take that thing right now.”
“You talk too much for someone I’m shagging,” James said above him, still sliding his cock back and forth in Remus’s crevice. “You were so incoherent earlier, too.”
“Oh god, you’re not going to try to make me come again, are you? I don’t think I can.”
“Don’t look so smug, Sirius, I had just as much of a hand in those orgasms as you did.”
“I didn’t have a ‘hand’ in the last one, I had a prick. In Remus."
“Very funny-oh fuck, Remus, clench like that again. Aw, yeah.” He broke off into short gasps, thrusting furiously against Remus’s arse for a minute before coming all over his back.
“You are not leaving these sheets for the house-elves to pick up as-is,” Remus stated, as some of it trickled down his sides onto the bed.
“Wasn’t planning on it. Cleaning charms all around,” said James.
“And a shower too,” added Sirius, “but that has less to do with getting clean and more to do with me staring at you naked.”
---
IN THE SHOWER:
“So, Remus, when do you think your arse will be feeling better?” James asked.
“It’s not that bad. A couple days at most.”
“Great. Because it and my cock have an appointment.”
“What makes you think I want to go through that again?” Remus asked, but found it hard to summon irritation after just having come three times in two hours.
They both snickered. “You must not have heard yourself,” Sirius said.
“Oh, god, yes!” James mimicked. “Ah! Fuck! Right there! Mmm! More!”
Remus considered being indignant, but Sirius’s hands had just started doing something lovely to his shoulders (which were understandably tense), so he decided to let it go.
---
THREE DAYS LATER:
“Never…thought you’d…be so-ah!-into kissing,” Remus panted as Sirius finally dragged his mouth away from his.
“He isn’t, usually,” James said, glancing up from where he was pounding Remus into the mattress.
“Then how come-” He broke off, as Sirius’s mouth attached to a very different part of his anatomy, and that line of conversation was forgotten entirely.
---
THE NEXT WEEK, TWO DAYS BEFORE THE FULL MOON:
“So are you hornier than usual around now?” Sirius asked, apropos of nothing.
“He’s pretty horny already,” commented James, just as Remus asked,
“Why would I be?”
“You know. Waxing gibbous.”
“Why the fuck would that make me horny?” Remus sputtered. “If anything, I think I’d be less in the mood.”
James nodded. “Makes sense. They say fear is an aphrodisiac, but I don’t think dread has quite the same effect.”
“Well, you know,” Sirius said. “Monthly cycle and all that.”
“What?”
“Lots of birds, right before that time of the month, they totally want it.”
“What the bloody fuck does that have to do with me?” Remus half-yelled.
“Think of the similarities. Both release a furious inner beast, generally end in bloodshed, and run on a 28 day cycle.”
Remus gaped at him, not sure quite how to respond. He finally settled on making a rude gesture and walking out of the room.
“If you turn into an insatiable sex fiend tomorrow, don’t come whining to me!” Sirius called after him.
---
THE NEXT DAY:
“So, are you sure you’re not horny?”
Remus’s response was much the same as before.
---
THE DAY AFTER THE FULL MOON:
“I can’t believe you tried to hump a werewolf.”
“He loved it.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me,” James piped in.
“Shut it, Prongs. You’re just jealous that your animagus form can’t give Moony the loving he needs.”
“He doesn’t need loving!” Remus protested.
“Oh, I see how it is. So you’re perfectly willing to take care of your own needs, but the wolf can’t have any action on the one night a month he gets to come out? I’m surprised at you, Remus.”
“I can’t believe you want to hump a werewolf!”
“It’s not a question of whether I want to, it’s a question of what my tender heart compels me to do,” Sirius said, placing a hand on his chest. “And it compels me to offer sweet loving-in the form of my dick-to poor, sexually starved werewolves.”
“He doesn’t want your dick!” Remus protested.
“Is that the issue? I have to say, you never really struck me as an alpha, Remus, but if you’d rather…” He waggled his eyebrows.
Remus responded with a punch to the jaw.
“You really should have seen that coming,” James said as Remus slammed the door on his way down to the common room. “I’m surprised it took him that long.”
“You think now would be a bad time to go ask if he wants to practice giving blowjobs?” Sirius asked, rubbing his jaw.
“Yes.”
“What about if he wants to practice getting blowjobs?”
“Maybe tomorrow.”
---
THE NEXT DAY:
“So, Moony, want to practice getting blowjobs?”
“…There has to be a catch there.”
“What makes you think that?”
“You’re asking me.”
“Got you hard, didn’t it?” Sirius dropped to his knees. “I’m taking that as a yes, by the way.”
---
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
“Starting without me? I’m hurt,” James said as he entered the room.
“You shouldn’t be. I’ve got Remus all loose and ready for you while you were off doing Merlin-knows-what.”
“S-showering, I would-mm!-guess from the towel,” Remus said, the sprinkled moans somewhat ruining the dry tone of the comment.
“For me? How generous. Or it just that he’s still too naffed off at you to let you do it?”
“You know, you’re very bad at acting grateful.”
“So sorry. Now move,” James said, pushing him aside. “My turn. Hands and knees, Remus.”
---
MID-SHAG:
“So, Remus, want to try giving a blowjob while getting fucked?”
“Ah-mm!-s-sure”
“Careful now,” Sirius said, kneeling in front of him. “Don’t let James push you too far onto it.”
James gave him a look over Remus’s head that clearly said, ‘You are so dead once he remembers he’s angry with you.’
The flobberworms in his bed the next day were completely worth it.
---
TWO DAYS LATER:
“The Concealment charm on the flobberworms was a nice touch.”
“Thank you,” Remus said, not looking up from his essay.
“I can’t help but notice that you haven’t Obliviated me yet.”
“Haven’t I?”
“Not that I recall.” Sirius grinned. “Not that I would, but the important bit is that I still remember shagging you.”
“Maybe I just did a poor job of it.”
“If you did, then I’m attributing it to a subconscious desire to keep shagging me.”
“Perhaps. You can do some rather amazing things with your tongue.”
“So are we even now?”
Remus pondered for a minute. “I suppose.”
“Great. Meet me in the Divination classroom in half an hour.”
---
DIVINATION CLASSROOM, THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER:
“So why here?”
“This ottoman. It’s bouncy. I’ve always wanted to shag on it.”
“…You and James dropped out of Divination in third year. Four classes in if I recall correctly.”
“It was very memorable!” Sirius sat on it and bounced up and down a little. “See? Look at that rebound.”
“Doesn’t look that special to me.”
“You only say that because you never took Divination,” Sirius said. “Under my arse lies the best thing about this entire classroom.”
“Sorry I’m late!” James called out as he entered. His face lit up as he saw where Sirius was sitting. “We’re shagging on the bouncy ottoman? Brilliant.”
---
HALF AN HOUR LATER:
Bouncing up and down on Sirius’s lap, with each thrust pushing him upwards into James’s mouth, Remus had to admit that the ottoman was rather brilliant after all.
---
THE NEXT WEEK:
“Raid Filch’s office? What, you still want to rescue that Hair-Eating Quill he confiscated off you in first year?” Remus raised an eyebrow.
“He didn’t take it off me!” James protested. “I used to leave it on a table in the library and wait for someone-preferably someone who hunches over their essays-to use it.”
Sirius smiled fondly. “Remember the time Narcissa picked it up? And she sits so straight while writing that we thought it wouldn’t work, but then she scratched her head?”
James grinned. “She screamed like a bloody banshee.” He sighed nostalgically. “You think Filch still has it?”
“We should check. But no, Remus, that’s not what we want from Filch’s office.”
“Peter’s old Self-Wrapping Scarf?” Remus ventured.
Sirius shuddered. “Ugh, no. That thing was terrifyingly affectionate.”
Remus raised an eyebrow at James. “The only other thing he wouldn’t have destroyed on the spot is that pair of your boxers you charmed to lurk on the ceiling and drop on people’s heads.”
“They touched Snivellus, do you really think I’d want them back?”
“What do you want with Filch’s office, then?”
James grinned. “Well, you know how he’s always complaining that his manacles never see any use?”
“You are not-”
“So we thought we ought to help him out,” Sirius added.
“No. Those things are like his children,” protested Remus. “He’ll notice they were disturbed, he’ll know the Marauders are the only ones insane enough to have done it, and he will make us pay.”
They considered this for a moment.
“…Can I at least get my quill back?” James asked. “I want to see how much of Snivellus’s hair it can eat before it dies a horrible, greasy death.”
---
TWO DAYS LATER, QUILL SAFELY RECOVERED:
Unfortunately for Remus, it appeared that smashing Sirius and James’s fantasies of raiding Filch’s bondage trove meant that he was now somehow obligated to agree to something equally exciting.
“Under the invisibility cloak in the Great Hall?”
“I assume you mean during dinner? That’s ridiculous, the cloak barely covers the three of us standing still.”
“The three of us and Peter!” James corrected.
“He turns into a rat and sits in your pocket, I hardly think his absence would have any impact on our ability to screw under the cloak without it riding up somewhere.”
“All right, I see your point.” James sighed. “McGonagall’s desk?”
Sirius shook his head. “She’ll smell it the instant she turns into a cat. How about in the common room, middle of the night?”
“Too risky,” Remus replied. “We can’t be the only ones who are ever out of bed after curfew.”
“In bed, then,” said James.
“I thought the goal of this was-”
“With both of us fucking you at once,” he finished.
“What?”
“You heard me. Both of our pricks in your arse at the same time.”
“That would never work!”
“It would. Want to try?” James leered.
“No. Absolutely not.”
---
SEVERAL DAYS LATER:
“…You really think you could both fit inside me at once?”
Sirius and James exchanged pleased smiles-the sort of smile Remus usually associated with them having caused something to explode across the room. Apparently the smile had a different meaning while naked.
“With enough oil,” James replied, hands stroking up Remus’s thighs. “A lot of oil. As much oil as-“
“Please don’t go there,” interrupted Remus.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!” James protested.
“Yes I do.”
Sirius shrugged. “He’s got you there, mate. You and comparative levels of grease only ever lead to-“
“Please. I have an erection here, you know.”
“But I could have been going to say…uh…as much oil as…” James stopped and thought for a minute. “You’re right. There really isn’t a sexy way to finish that statement that’s not a tautology.”
“As much oil as it would take for both of us to fuck you at once,” Sirius said resolutely, apparently undaunted by tautologies. “Which is a lot of oil.”
“You’re…really sure you could do it?”
James grinned. “Why, Mr. Moony, I do believe you’re interested!”
“Certainly seems that way,” Sirius said, throwing an arm around Remus’s shoulders. “What say you, Moony? Want to find out exactly how much oil that is?”
Remus blushed, looking down at his lap…and promptly turned even redder as his gaze landed on his prick, which was very clearly interested in the proceedings-pointing straight up at his face, fluid leaking from the tip.
“No need to be shy about it,” Sirius murmured into his ear, tongue flicking out to run along the rim.
Before he was even done gasping, James's thumb was swirling around the head of his prick , rubbing the fluid there over the head. He scooted closer, until he was pressed up against Remus’s side.
“Do you want to try it?” he breathed hotly into Remus’s other ear.
It was really quite difficult for Remus to process things at the moment, what with both his ears getting nibbled at once. He moaned instead.
Sirius’s hand crept between his legs-palm cupping his balls, fingers wiggling under him to tap gently at his hole. “Think about it. Both of us in here, stretching you, filling you up more than you’ve ever been filled before…”
“Was thinking about it. Why-ah-else would I mention it?”
“And your verdict?” James kissed a line down his neck.
“I guess I’m…nn...up for it if you are.”
Sirius grinned. “Oh, we’re definitely up for it.”
“If you weren’t holding my bollocks, I’d hit you for that one.”
"Allow me," James said, reaching across Remus to swat Sirius on the back.
Sirius scoffed. "You were thinking the exact same thing."
"I know he was, but he didn't say it."
---
FORTY MINUTES LATER:
And that was how Remus found himself with four fingers up his arse, hoping desperately that one of them knew a cleaning charm that would get oil out of sheets.
“You think that’s enough?” Sirius asked, his fingers tangling with James’s inside Remus.
“Uh…don’t really know,” panted Remus.
“Why don’t you impale yourself on Sirius, and we’ll see how much room is left?” suggested James.
“…Impale myself? Creepy way to put it.”
“You think so?” James pouted. “I thought it might be sexy.”
“Less talk, more impaling,” Sirius interjected.
---
POST-IMPALATION:
“Like a knife through butter,” Sirius said with great satisfaction.
“Can we-mm-stop with the violent metaphors?”
“Butter knives aren’t violent,” James objected, sliding a finger in next to Sirius’s cock. “My finger’s still going in easily,” he commented, adding another.
“Fuck, that feels weird,” Sirius said. “Good weird, though.”
“Feels like it’ll fit. Remus, you ready for this?” James asked, pressing his chest up against Remus’s back, prick rubbing against the cheeks of his arse.
“Y-yeah.”
James’s cock butted up against where Sirius’s met the rim of his hole. “Probably easiest if I do this,” he commented, hooking a finger inside Remus and pulling it towards himself, stretching him. He lined the head of his prick up between his finger and Sirius’s shaft, and pushed up slowly…
The very tip of his cock slid inside, then a bit more-about half of the head.
“You okay, Remus?” Sirius asked breathily. “James, pull your finger out before your dick gets any wider.”
“I was going to!” James insisted, doing just that. “Remus, like we said, tell us if it’s too much.”
“If it is, we’ll stop right away. We’ll even put a shrinking spell on our pricks so they don’t hurt on the way out,” Sirius added.
Remus laughed, but James looked rather indignant.
“You don’t promise to put a shrinking spell on a man’s prick without asking him first!”
“I don’t think it’ll-ah-be an issue, James,” said Remus. “Keep going.”
Affront forgotten, James pressed forward. The head of his cock popped inside Remus, who let out a tight gasp at the sensation-and once that was done, the next few inches slid in with little trouble.
“Fuck,” moaned Remus, clutching at Sirius’s back.
“More?”
He nodded. James pushed in the rest of the way, his prick slipping against Sirius’s, stretching Remus wide open. They began to thrust, both of them, sliding against each other and into him with obscene squelching sounds.
“You like that, Remus?” James breathed. “Two cocks in you at once?”
“Nn,” he groaned.
“Think that’s-ah!-a yes,” Sirius panted, breaking off to kiss Remus frantically.
James came first, having been at a better angle for movement, and pulled out quickly, presumably to escape the friction of Sirius’s still vigorously thrusting cock. His come dripped down Sirius’s shaft as it plunged into Remus’s loosened hole, slicking the way even further. James wrapped his fingers around Remus’s erection, the back of his hand brushing Sirius’s stomach as he stroked.
“Ah-mm-ah-fuck!” Remus’s come hit Sirius’s chest, dripping down onto James’s hand.
Sirius gasped, presumably in reaction to Remus’s body tensing. “Fuck,” he moaned, arching his hips up against Remus, balls twitching as he came.
Remus collapsed on top of him with a small whimper. “Think I might stay in bed tomorrow,” he said. “Not to say that wasn’t brilliant, but the thought of walking doesn’t exactly appeal at the moment.”
“That was brilliant,” said James. “I’m a genius.”
“No one likes a cocky bastard, James,” mumbled Sirius.
“I do, apparently,” Remus said. “Two of them, in fact.”
---
### IF YOU'D LIKE TO IMAGINE THREESOMES FOREVER, STOP HERE. OTHERWISE, CONTINUE. ###
### (Not to mistakenly imply there will be a tonal shift, because this has a super-happy ending, but it starts heading towards SBRL + JPLE after this point) ###
---
A MONTH AND A HALF LATER:
“I think you’re in love with him.”
Sirius blinked. “What?”
“Moony. You’re in love with him.”
“Where’d that come from?”
“You…I don’t know, you get kind of…squishy when it comes to him. Like he’s a little orphan kitten. That you like to shag.”
“I don’t shag kittens, Prongs.”
“I meant that you worry about him, even though we all know he can take care of himself. And you also clearly think he’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen, and when you put those two together, it makes him-”
“A little orphan kitten that I like to shag, apparently.”
“No, you berk, someone you’re in love with.”
“Oh.” Sirius frowned a little. “Huh. I guess I never thought about it that way.”
“Well, puzzle it over if you need to, but I think it’s pretty obvious.”
“Maybe you’re just daft. I need to ruminate on this.”
“This isn’t going to interfere with the activities we had planned for tonight, is it?”
“A real man can ruminate and shag at the same time, Prongs. Not that you'd know anything about that, I suppose.”
"You tosser! I try to help you sort out your love life and you insult my masculinity!"
Rumination was momentarily forgotten in favor of brief scuffles on the floor.
--
AFTER A WEEK OF RUMINATION:
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Remus’s eyes widened. “What?”
“I’m in love with you.”
“You…what makes you think that?”
“I don’t know, I guess I…get more concerned about you. I don’t want anything to hurt you. Silly things, even, things that I wouldn’t give a damn about if they happened to me or James. It’s funny when James gets hexed, but when it’s you I just…get furious. Give all of Slytherin tails.”
“That’s why you did that? Because Rosier hexed my mouth shut?”
“Well, that and it was just funny. But no. Err, I mean, no that’s not what I’m talking about. I care about you-especially, I mean. And I like kissing you.”
“Is that unusual for you?”
He nodded. “I used to think of kissing as a tool used to get birds out of their knickers.” He sighed. “Look, I know how I feel. I wanted to ask…do you…could we…am I different from James?”
“Well, your hair is longer, for one.”
“You really know how to treat a bloke who’s pouring his heart out to you, Moony," Sirius said dryly. "You know what I meant. Do you…have feelings for me? Beyond friendship and appreciation of my skilled tongue?”
“I…maybe,” Remus said softly. “I need to think about it.”
“Think all you want. Can I kiss you in the meantime?”
--
20 MINUTES LATER:
“You know,” Remus panted, finally dragging his lips away from Sirius’s, “I think I might.”
--
THREE HOURS LATER:
And that was how Remus found himself on Sirius Black’s bed, covered in come and with no James in sight.
“…So does this mean we’re dumping James?”
“Be a bit silly of me to get jealous now, wouldn’t it? We can keep him if you’d like.”
“Could be fun.”
“But there needs to be more kissing. And maybe sometimes we can kick James out of bed for some post-coital cuddling. People do that, I’ve heard.” He paused. “Cuddle, that is, not kick James out of bed.”
“Sounds fantastic.” Remus grinned. “Quite possibly the best idea you've ever had.”
"I know it would be rude to disagree with that, but I can't help but feel that you're insulting my idea-making prowess."
"Pretty much," said Remus.
--
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER:
“James Potter, I believe I once said that if you could go three months without publicly humiliating anyone, throwing the entire school into chaos, or propositioning me, I would go on a walk with you.” Lily sighed. “At the time I wasn’t expecting you to ever actually manage it, but I’m a woman of my word.”
James gaped. “It’s been three months?” He thought hard for a moment. “I guess it has, hasn’t it?” His face lit up.
“Unfortunately for me.”
“So, a walk? In Hogsmeade?”
“Don’t push your luck. I’m quite certain you had something to do with Severus’s sudden bald spot. And the daffodils growing out of the dungeon floor. And the sudden intangibility of several steps on the school staircases. And-”
“I see your point,” said James. “Around the grounds, then?”
“I suppose. Tell me, though, how did you suddenly develop a modicum of self-restraint?”
“Remus.”
“Remus? So living with a Prefect is a good influence on you.”
James grinned. “You have no idea.”
--
THAT EVENING:
“So how do I get Evans to fall for me?”
“Tie her to your bed and ask if she wants to have a threesome with you and Sirius,” Remus replied evenly.
“I can vouch for the effectiveness of that strategy.”
“Very funny. Now really! I have to make her enjoy walking with me.”
“Don’t be so worried,” Remus said. “She clearly wanted to go on the walk with you, or she would never have brought it up.”
James blinked. “She…did, didn’t she? I’d forgotten she’d even said that.” He grinned. “Well, Remus, not to imply that you aren’t fit-because you’re apparently distracting enough to put me on my best behaviour for three months-but count me out tonight.” He paused. “Maybe from now on.”
“Your loss,” said Sirius. “Now go get her, you stud.”
“I intend to!” James responded, getting up and heading towards the door. “Enjoy your debauchery, lads!”
And they did.
--
SEVERAL YEARS LATER:
“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius said, “that maybe I shouldn’t be the Secret Keeper. I’m the person they’ll be expecting. And you know I would never betray you willingly, but…I don’t know how good I’d be against Imperio.”
James pondered this for a long moment. “How about Remus?”
“My thought exactly.”
---
MANY YEARS LATER:
“Thanks again for letting me use your library, Draco.”
“I can’t imagine it’ll be much help, but you’re welcome anytime.”
Harry shrugged. “I think Dumbledore’s logic is that whatever research he did to make the Horcruxes, some of it was probably here. Your father was You-Know-Who’s right-hand man, after all…no offense.”
“None taken. I never even knew the man.”
“Probably for the best. Does your mother ever talk about him?”
“Never. When I ask about him she avoids the topic. I’d like to think it’s because she didn’t know what he was, but…”
“Dad says there was no way of knowing.”
“That may have been true in Pettigrew’s case, but…” he sighed. “Anyway, the most I’ve ever got out of her is when she lost her temper and told me to go ask my uncle if I wanted to know so badly.”
“Which one?”
“Remus, I figured. So I did, and he starts giving me the ‘Oh Draco, I’m so sorry you had to grow up without a father, I wish things could have been different, so on and so forth.’ Then Sirius walks in, and tells me my dad was an utter git and Remus clearly did me a favor by killing him, seeing as I’d turned out insufferable enough on my own.” He paused. “So I finally decided I didn’t want to know. I thanked Remus and left it at that.”
“Sirius never calls me insufferable.”
“Yes, well, you’re his favorite. Speaking of favorites, why send you here and not someone more research oriented?”
“Because I’m me.” Harry snorted. “They’re still convinced I’m the one destined to snuff out whatever little bit of You-Know-Who’s soul is still flitting about causing trouble.”
“I’ll leave you to it then. The particularly horrible books are in a secret compartment behind that tapestry. I’m going to get a fire started, it’s bloody cold in here.” He flicked his wand at the massive fireplace, and a large blaze flared up.
“Let’s see… The Trials of the Pure of Blood… The Many Uses of Muggles, Dead and Alive… Our Rightful Dominion…and…what’s this?” He pulled out a small, leather-bound book and flipped it open. “It’s…blank? Draco, have you seen this before? It was wedged in the back corner.”
Draco looked over. “Not that I recall.”
“Hold on, I think there’s something written on the inside cover…it’s too faded to read in this light, though.” Harry strode over towards the fireplace, book in hand.
“Watch out for that gargoyle, it attacks anyone who’s not-”
The warning came too late, as the gargoyle in question sprang to life and took a swipe at Harry. He tripped, flailed, and the diary flew out of his hand and straight into the fireplace.
“Let me guess, a pureblood?” He looked around. “Where did that book land-oh fuck!” he cried, noticing the diary, which was nearly ashes already.
“Don’t worry about it,” Draco said. “I doubt it was anything important.”
Harry nodded, straightening the odds and ends that had been disturbed by his fall. “Hey, is this a Muggle pen? It seems so out of place in here.”
“My mother is terrified of quills. Merlin only knows why.”
THE END