So This is How a Franchise Dies...
...without thunderous applause.
I think it should be pretty obvious by now that the entire Star Wars franchise has finally run out of steam. The carefree energy and not-quite-serious tone that made the first Star Wars movie such an irresistable hit was hard enough to sustain through three movies, let alone six, or the nine originally envisioned. By Episode VI, Revenge of the Sith, that energy was gone altogether; and in the effort to "flesh out" the overall story, George Lucas and company have begun to take themselves more seriously than this story allows. The title itself did not bode well (acronym: ROTS); the acting (not to mention the scriptwriting) ranged from workmanlike to lackluster; even the stunning eye-candy special effects were not up to par (what the hell were those big metal umbrella-like things hanging over the lava-flows anyway?); and every scene and line had a tone of tired finality, of last reserves of energy called up to put those necessary finishing touches on the big project by midnight of the due date so everyone could finally go home and get some sleep.
Even the solemn donning of the signature Darth Vader cape-and-life-support-mask, which should have been a moment of high tragedy, came off as no more than the workmanlike fulfillment of a bothersome contractual obligation.
And don't even get me started about why Anakin Vaderwalker would continue to support Chancellor/Fuhrer Palpatine after losing everything for him, including the one thing Palpatine had promised to protect...
ANAKIN: Omigod, I dreamed my lovely wife Padme will die in childbirth! How can we build an interstellar empire and have hyperspace travel and antigravity and 3-D traffic jams and still not be able to keep women from getting pregnant OR dying in childbirth?
PALPATINE: Come over to the dark side -- we have cookies, and our health insurance covers prenatal care and childbirth.
ANAKIN: Okay, I'll shaft all my friends and kill the Jedi kids and help you become Emperor if you can keep my wife alive.
PALPATINE: Good boy! And by the way, I'm changing your name to Darth Vader.
ANAKIN: Huh? What the hell for? I like the name "Anakin." It's easy for Padme to pronounce when we're having sex.
PALPATINE: To demonstrate my authority and capriciousness, and make you my bitch, that's why.
ANAKIN: Oh. Okay, I guess...
LATER...
PALPATINE: Oops, I lost track of your wife and she died just as you dreamed it. I can't find your kids either. I never did get around to creating a secret police...
ANAKIN: Holy crap, I shafted all my friends and mentors, killed a bunch of innocent kids, and got my boyish good looks ruined in the process, now I have the noisiest asthma in the galaxy, and you couldn't do the one thing you promised to do?! You're like an abusive capricious father, you've even changed my name to something totally ridiculous...why shouldn't I shaft you like I did everyone else who trusted me?!
PALPATINE: Because you no longer look good, therefore you no longer have your youthful arrogance and can never stand up for your own interests again.
ANAKIN: Oh...right...I guess I'll just go along with you like any other abused and betrayed child, and take out my resentment on the rest of the galaxy.
THE QUEER EYE CREW: Oh, don't be so hard on yourself! You look fabulous! Black is always in, especialy shiny black, and your helmet has just the right touch of the German storm-trooper look, as well as being flared a bit to go along with the sweep of your cape. And putting the control panel on your chest gives the whole ensemble a down-to-earth look that counters an otherwise inaccessible exterior...
ANAKIN: Silence, nancy-boys! Go back and redecorate the Jedi Temple! We need fabulous Feng-Shui-compliant windowless office space to run the Empire from!
PALPATINE: And look, my boy, here's this big new beautiful battleship you can have; it'll be finished just in time for you to hide in it when your kids grow up and come after you.
ANAKIN: Oh, okay, as long as you're the kind of abusive capricious father who gets me shiny toys after abusing me, I'll keep on being your bi -- your right hand man. Will it have any weaknesses I need to be aware of?
PALPATINE: Just some dinky little tailpipe, nothing those bunnies-and-light rebel wusses will ever detect. Besides, a muffler would make it less macho.
Oh well, it was a good set of movies while it lasted, and I don't regret watching a single one -- and it made more sense than some other sci-fi movies I've seen. I have to say I'm not really upset at the prospect that the last three episodes may never get made...but if anyone wants to try, I have some possible plot summaries here...
EPISODE VII: The Bureaucrats Strike Back -- Beset by rebels, republicans, separatists, tradesmen, fiscal irresponsibility, high galactic debt, and the death of their Emperor and his bi -- his right-hand man, along with the destruction of their latest indestructable planet-wrecking battlewagon, the galaxy's unsung civil servants wage a titanic struggle to hold the Empire together, bring the deficit under control, and get the trains to run on time, while the rebels party in the jungle thinking their job is done.
EPISODE VIII: Separatists United...or Not -- Rebels, separatists and rogue Imperial fleets struggle to form a new social order, despite bizarre and inexplicable differences in battleship design, and haltingly agree to restore peace, except for the Wookies, who threaten to sabotage everything by refusing to wear flea-collars and speak English like everyone else.
EPISODE IX: Return of the Traders, Who Never Really Left -- While everyone else is busy blasting each other over the new galactic order, daring freighter captains weave about through confusing space-battles to get goods to market like they've always done. Pimp What's Left of My Battle Cruiser becomes a favorite 3V program galaxywide.
I think it should be pretty obvious by now that the entire Star Wars franchise has finally run out of steam. The carefree energy and not-quite-serious tone that made the first Star Wars movie such an irresistable hit was hard enough to sustain through three movies, let alone six, or the nine originally envisioned. By Episode VI, Revenge of the Sith, that energy was gone altogether; and in the effort to "flesh out" the overall story, George Lucas and company have begun to take themselves more seriously than this story allows. The title itself did not bode well (acronym: ROTS); the acting (not to mention the scriptwriting) ranged from workmanlike to lackluster; even the stunning eye-candy special effects were not up to par (what the hell were those big metal umbrella-like things hanging over the lava-flows anyway?); and every scene and line had a tone of tired finality, of last reserves of energy called up to put those necessary finishing touches on the big project by midnight of the due date so everyone could finally go home and get some sleep.
Even the solemn donning of the signature Darth Vader cape-and-life-support-mask, which should have been a moment of high tragedy, came off as no more than the workmanlike fulfillment of a bothersome contractual obligation.
And don't even get me started about why Anakin Vaderwalker would continue to support Chancellor/Fuhrer Palpatine after losing everything for him, including the one thing Palpatine had promised to protect...
ANAKIN: Omigod, I dreamed my lovely wife Padme will die in childbirth! How can we build an interstellar empire and have hyperspace travel and antigravity and 3-D traffic jams and still not be able to keep women from getting pregnant OR dying in childbirth?
PALPATINE: Come over to the dark side -- we have cookies, and our health insurance covers prenatal care and childbirth.
ANAKIN: Okay, I'll shaft all my friends and kill the Jedi kids and help you become Emperor if you can keep my wife alive.
PALPATINE: Good boy! And by the way, I'm changing your name to Darth Vader.
ANAKIN: Huh? What the hell for? I like the name "Anakin." It's easy for Padme to pronounce when we're having sex.
PALPATINE: To demonstrate my authority and capriciousness, and make you my bitch, that's why.
ANAKIN: Oh. Okay, I guess...
LATER...
PALPATINE: Oops, I lost track of your wife and she died just as you dreamed it. I can't find your kids either. I never did get around to creating a secret police...
ANAKIN: Holy crap, I shafted all my friends and mentors, killed a bunch of innocent kids, and got my boyish good looks ruined in the process, now I have the noisiest asthma in the galaxy, and you couldn't do the one thing you promised to do?! You're like an abusive capricious father, you've even changed my name to something totally ridiculous...why shouldn't I shaft you like I did everyone else who trusted me?!
PALPATINE: Because you no longer look good, therefore you no longer have your youthful arrogance and can never stand up for your own interests again.
ANAKIN: Oh...right...I guess I'll just go along with you like any other abused and betrayed child, and take out my resentment on the rest of the galaxy.
THE QUEER EYE CREW: Oh, don't be so hard on yourself! You look fabulous! Black is always in, especialy shiny black, and your helmet has just the right touch of the German storm-trooper look, as well as being flared a bit to go along with the sweep of your cape. And putting the control panel on your chest gives the whole ensemble a down-to-earth look that counters an otherwise inaccessible exterior...
ANAKIN: Silence, nancy-boys! Go back and redecorate the Jedi Temple! We need fabulous Feng-Shui-compliant windowless office space to run the Empire from!
PALPATINE: And look, my boy, here's this big new beautiful battleship you can have; it'll be finished just in time for you to hide in it when your kids grow up and come after you.
ANAKIN: Oh, okay, as long as you're the kind of abusive capricious father who gets me shiny toys after abusing me, I'll keep on being your bi -- your right hand man. Will it have any weaknesses I need to be aware of?
PALPATINE: Just some dinky little tailpipe, nothing those bunnies-and-light rebel wusses will ever detect. Besides, a muffler would make it less macho.
Oh well, it was a good set of movies while it lasted, and I don't regret watching a single one -- and it made more sense than some other sci-fi movies I've seen. I have to say I'm not really upset at the prospect that the last three episodes may never get made...but if anyone wants to try, I have some possible plot summaries here...
EPISODE VII: The Bureaucrats Strike Back -- Beset by rebels, republicans, separatists, tradesmen, fiscal irresponsibility, high galactic debt, and the death of their Emperor and his bi -- his right-hand man, along with the destruction of their latest indestructable planet-wrecking battlewagon, the galaxy's unsung civil servants wage a titanic struggle to hold the Empire together, bring the deficit under control, and get the trains to run on time, while the rebels party in the jungle thinking their job is done.
EPISODE VIII: Separatists United...or Not -- Rebels, separatists and rogue Imperial fleets struggle to form a new social order, despite bizarre and inexplicable differences in battleship design, and haltingly agree to restore peace, except for the Wookies, who threaten to sabotage everything by refusing to wear flea-collars and speak English like everyone else.
EPISODE IX: Return of the Traders, Who Never Really Left -- While everyone else is busy blasting each other over the new galactic order, daring freighter captains weave about through confusing space-battles to get goods to market like they've always done. Pimp What's Left of My Battle Cruiser becomes a favorite 3V program galaxywide.