(no subject)
Today is a bittersweet day. My Stacey, is 26 years old today. The hardest part of being a mother is letting your children go. The greatest love a mother can have is letting your children go. Of all my children, Stacey's birth will go down in infamy. I will NEVER never forget what it felt like to bring her into the world. The first time I wasn't sure what to expect, but the last(?) time I wanted to know exactly what I was feeling. I will never forget actually pushing her out and feeling her arm come down from beside her head and brush against my leg. Wow!!! It was different. A beautiful blond haired blue eyed little girl. Now, I must admit, I was very disappointed I did not produce a boy for my husband, I know it's his chromosonmes, not mine. But you should have seen her! Man she was so tiny and perfect. She was a no fuss no muss baby. I would wake her up every four hours to feed her and she was so content. I left her life way to soon. She has never understood why. None of the reasons seem to matter to her all she knows is she was rejected. Poor thing, I thought I was doing the best I could for her. I thought they would all be so much better off without me. That her dad would be able to be with the person he loved, and that the girls would have a Dad who would work and take care of them, and a loving family to help support them, to teach them. I never knew........... So my bad decisions bite me in the ass every day. I understand not wanting to be around family that hurts you, and unfortunately she feels hurt by me. I understand needing to not be apart of someones life..... It just hurts to be the recipient. The worst part is I don't blame her. I would be the same way I am sure. It is painful because I think about what I am missing out on, my daughter, my grands, my son in law. More family. The really sad part is, Stacey is missing out too. She should know and probably doesn't that I am here, waiting in the wings for her. No I might not be super mom, but I am mom. Complete with flaws and imperfections; love and joy. I cheer for you every chance I can. I will always be your silent cheerleader Stacey. I do love you and I pray someday you will understand or except or just move past that I made a choice, that I thought was the right one. My actions are scrutinized by you, the room for error does not exist. So I allow you the room you need. I also understand that no matter how much I ever will try it will never measure up to your expectations. I will ever walk on egg shells with you and I don't believe that is the way to go either. So my daughter, go thru life happy and love filled. I have always loved you and always will. YOUR MOM