a gift for trippy
The Ornament Disintegration
Sheldon looks up from cross referencing his crossover comic books and sniffs. His olfactory node processes the smell but he sniffs again to retest his hypothesis. He flings down the comic book and begins fuming instantly as he rises to leave his bedroom. If Leonard got into the cleaning supplies again! Messing with Sheldon’s organizational system and rotation just so that he can hide evidence of some type of spill from Sheldon’s eagle eye, well, he’s got another thing coming.
Sheldon stomps down the hall and skids to a halt on the landing. He can’t believe his eyes! His nose misled him! Leonard wasn’t employing any type of cleaning solvent. It is much , much worse.
“What is that!?!” Sheldon hyperventilates, his long arm extends and even freakishly longer with his index finger pointed.
“That is Penny.” Leonard’s voice replies.
“I am aware of that.” Sheldon snaps.
“Hi Honey.” Penny calls cheerily to him
“I’ll get to you later.” Sheldon glowers at her. “No doubt this is all your doing to begin with.”
“Relax, Sheldon. It’s just a Christmas tree.” Leonard emerges from the back of the tree, trailing a row of colored lights around it. Sheldon’s eye is twitching so much, he can barely see.
“Just a Christmas tree, Leonard? Just a Christmas tree! Was the light bulb just another form of illumination? Was penicillin just another type of mold? Was the black goo in Spiderman 3 just another material for Spiderman to dress in?”
“Sheldon, honey, what is the problem here?” Penny dangles red, green, blue and silver Christmas balls on random branches. No thought to pattern or reflection or juxtaposition on the color wheel. Sheldon pinches the bridge of his nose.
“The problem, Penny, is that we do not acknowledge the pagan festival of Saturnalia in this apartment. Nor do we participate in the commercialism that has become Christmas nor do Leonard or I subscribe to the religious overtones of the season.”
Penny slurps hot chocolate through a peppermint flavored straw. Her Santa hat is at a rakish angle and her green shirt is making her eyes sparkle. Either that or she’s about to engage Sheldon in one of their endless battles.
“If that’s the case, give me back the Nimoy napkin.”
Sheldon’s mouth hangs open, “You wouldn’t.” He hisses.
“Hey, I don’t make the rules here.” Penny places down her mug and begins throwing tinsel willy-nilly on the tree. Sheldon’s ulcer flares. “If you guys don’t participate in all the holiday happiness, then that includes the receiving of gifts from Hollywood actors you idolize.”
“But that’s not fair!” He wails
“Oh, Shelly,” Leonard pipes ,”if ‘ifs, ands or buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas.’” He chuckles under Sheldon’s vicious glare. Sheldon brings his fingers to his temples.
“Uh-uh,” Leonard warns. “Santa is watching.”
Penny skips over to the irate physicist. A few pine needles tinkle to the floor in her wake.
“This. This is why a real tree is bad.” Sheldon rages at the miniscule needles on the floor. “There will be a constant shedding as the tree’s life dwindles from it. A shedding which I will be responsible for cleaning up as Leonard won’t notice and will track needles all over the apartment. They’ll get in the beds, the bathroom, …” Horror crosses his face as he notes the tree’s proximity to his spot. “MY SPOT.” Penny silences him by shoving a sugar cookie in his mouth.
“Shut up, Ebenezer. We need you to place the star.”
Sheldon makes a muffled protest through partially chewed snowman. Leonard shakes his hand and dots the tree with candy canes.
“She’s only going to keep shoving cookies in your mouth until you give in.” He tells his roommate. Sheldon swallows and stomps back to his room. Penny watches him leave, a little knot of disappointment forming in her stomach. Sure, part of the reason for getting the tree was to torment Sheldon but she did have another reason. That Christmas, when she gave him that napkin, had been one of the happiest she had ever celebrated. To this day, she could still recall the warmth of his arms around her. The awkwardness of the hug like a whooping crane coming in for a landing. Try as she might, Penny hadn’t been able to get Sheldon to hug her again. Not like that. Not like he meant it.
Sheldon reappears, holding a Christmas ornament. The bust of Sir Isaac Newton
“Here is my contribution to the assault on the tree.” He intones, dangling Sir Isaac Newton in front of Penny.
“Hold on, if you hate Christmas so much, why do you have a Christmas ornament?” Penny challenges; Leonard groans.
"December 25th 1642 Julian calendar: Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus on the other hand was actually born in the summer." Sheldon informs her. “So this is not a Christmas ornament as you say, merely a symbol of another great man whose birth is routinely ignored.”
“Okay, fine.” Penny is just happy Sheldon is capitulating so easily. “Where did you get it?”
“Meemaw sent it to me.’ Sheldon holds it out to her and Penny can see, inscribed on the bottom of the bust “To Monnpie. Love Meemaw”
“Oh, Sheldon. That’s so sweet! Here, I know just where we can hang it.”
Her fingers take the ornament. Penny stands on her toes, trying to place it at the top of the tree despite Leonard’s warning about her angle of incline and small stature.
“There!” she is triumphant. Sir Isaac is swaying on his assigned branch. However, as soon as her fingers leave the twig, the ornament makes another swing and, carried by momentum, falls to the floor, shattering in a million pieces.
The three of them stare at the fragments. Sheldon looks up. His face as stricken as when he found green paint of his spot and no key maker was going to be able to fix this one.
“Oh, Sheldon. Oh God. Honey, I am so sorry.” Penny reaches out to him. Sheldon finally takes in a breath.
“Congratulations, Penny. You’ve ruined Christmas.” He stalks down the hall.
To be continued….