(no subject)
The depression monster speaks loudly today, telling me things that my rational self tries hard not to hear. Unfortunately, my rational self seems more like a dormant cell hidden deep beneath layers of shit. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, yet I keep falling falling falling falling falling waiting for the final thud.
When I go to the pain clinic, the first thing they make me do is rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain imaginable. I have always rated it 7-9, but now I feel unable to rate my pain anymore. Even in physical therapy, when they are manipulating my body to recreate acute shards of pain, I can't even tell the difference. My pain is persistent intense throbbing, stabbing, and burning. The pain from sitting in the car during my mile-long commute to work makes me visualize crashing into oncoming traffic.
All of this I feel while being completely medicated. I suspect the reason I cannot differentiate the pain is due to the high doses of Neurontin. It's dulled my senses so I cannot remember the most basic things. I find it nearly impossible to do my job. It's caused me to gain 25 lbs in just a few months, like I knew it would because it happened the last time I took it. Even with my history, the pain clinic views it as the Wonder Drug and keeps increasing the dose. This is on top of the narcotics given sparingly, the muscle relaxers, the anti-inflammatories, the pain patches, and the various SNRIs that make me suicidal/homicidal, yet I keep taking them because they tell me I need to (increase the dose/wait a few more weeks/try a different one). Then there's the failed chiropractic adjustments, TENS unit, acupuncture, physical therapies, and injections. The only "relief" I get is when I'm pumped with anesthetic for my L5/S1/SI injections. I've had interactions with topical analgesics, yet I continue to use them when I'm desperate to sleep. I've also had several instances of intense back pain coupled with a "migraine" (complete with nausea, vomiting, and a cold sweat). Is it a drug interaction/overdose? Is it related to one of my back diagnoses (ex: the 2.5 cm unspecified cyst on my tailbone)? I don't know. The doctors do not know. I start seeing a behavior therapist at the pain clinic next week. I'm trying hard not to be skeptical. I'm not exactly sure what sort of behaviors I need to learn or unlearn - maybe learn to like pain? Or maybe not to feel it?
I don't know how long I'm going to be able to withstand this. It's like pain was a ball of fire thrown into my juggling act. Despite the constant ups and downs, for years I've been able to keep the balls in the air. In fact, I was a master juggler, challenging myself with amazing new tricks and bored when it became too easy. But now... now my hands are charred. I'm working harder than ever, but keep dropping balls. It's like they've gained momentum on their way down, each weighing 100 lbs.
I feel like they're all going to come crashing down on me and I will not know how to pick up the wreckage.