"i drove all night to get to you, i drove all night to make love to you"
I had my driving test on Thursday.
It did not go well.
First off, I fucked up within six minutes when, for reasons known to only God, I tried to turn right into oncoming traffic. I decided after that to impress him with how good I could have been. I was all awesome and spotted a red light from MILLLLES away and came to a gorgeous stop behind a car.
And waited.
And waited.
Then he pointed out the hazards were on the car in front. DAMNIT. So I went round it. Everything going well, fine, I was checking mirrors like a boss, and then the speed went up to 50. I'd never been to 50! I had no idea how to get into fifth gear! Somehow, after about eight minutes of screaming in my head, I risked it. But--- But then? We reached this massive roundabout and he asked me to go third right and I had no fucking idea what to do, there was three lanes and lorries and beeping and I was in fifth gear and I...
I fucking crashed, okay?
We drove straight into an island (which is now damaged) and I broke the tire bit thing. I burst in wracking sobs and had to get off the roundabout into a side lane with a car that was basically balancing on one side ala The Flintstones. That's pretty difficult with a death grip on a steering wheel and your eyes squeezed shut. Probably the best part of the test, actually. He then started to berate me. Then attempted to console me. Then he tried to small talk me while we waited for someone to come get us.
Examiner: So! What kind of music do you like?
Me: NIIINAAAA WAHHHH *SNIFF* SIMMOOOONNNNNEEEE
Examiner: Are you going anywhere nice for your holidays?
Me: LOOO LOOOOSS ANGELLLESSS OH GOOOOOD I BROKE A CAR *SNIFF* I WANT MAH MUM.
And so on.
It.was.mortifying. And today at work my Union Rep noticed I looked sad and called me into a meeting to ask what was the matter. The bastard laughed until he cried.
In case you are wondering, I failed. And am taking up walking.
It did not go well.
First off, I fucked up within six minutes when, for reasons known to only God, I tried to turn right into oncoming traffic. I decided after that to impress him with how good I could have been. I was all awesome and spotted a red light from MILLLLES away and came to a gorgeous stop behind a car.
And waited.
And waited.
Then he pointed out the hazards were on the car in front. DAMNIT. So I went round it. Everything going well, fine, I was checking mirrors like a boss, and then the speed went up to 50. I'd never been to 50! I had no idea how to get into fifth gear! Somehow, after about eight minutes of screaming in my head, I risked it. But--- But then? We reached this massive roundabout and he asked me to go third right and I had no fucking idea what to do, there was three lanes and lorries and beeping and I was in fifth gear and I...
I fucking crashed, okay?
We drove straight into an island (which is now damaged) and I broke the tire bit thing. I burst in wracking sobs and had to get off the roundabout into a side lane with a car that was basically balancing on one side ala The Flintstones. That's pretty difficult with a death grip on a steering wheel and your eyes squeezed shut. Probably the best part of the test, actually. He then started to berate me. Then attempted to console me. Then he tried to small talk me while we waited for someone to come get us.
Examiner: So! What kind of music do you like?
Me: NIIINAAAA WAHHHH *SNIFF* SIMMOOOONNNNNEEEE
Examiner: Are you going anywhere nice for your holidays?
Me: LOOO LOOOOSS ANGELLLESSS OH GOOOOOD I BROKE A CAR *SNIFF* I WANT MAH MUM.
And so on.
It.was.mortifying. And today at work my Union Rep noticed I looked sad and called me into a meeting to ask what was the matter. The bastard laughed until he cried.
In case you are wondering, I failed. And am taking up walking.