"mmm - but it's poetry in motion and when she turned her eyes to me"
REASON 36 WHY I REGRET MOVING AWAY FROM CUMBRIA.
The techical calls. Since the age of six months I have surpassed my family in such feats as how to work the VCR or replacing batteries in the remote. I used to dread daylight saving time changes because then the clock would have to be reset. RESET NOW. Not after your arty farty homework, I don't care there's a clock above the telly, I NEED IT CHANGED. I have nightmares of my Dad insisting we had Video Plus because John Hope did and if HE did we should and why isn't it working and me getting a smack because I ended up screaming "I BLINDED HIM WITH SCIENCE!" in his face. But now they call me and I have to do it over the phone and it's worse! It's like being a builder but instead of bricks and mortar my tools are tiny stupid people.
This is why, flist, I always like to log in as you to do your mood themes and layouts when you ask rather than explain because I know I'll have flashbacks like 'Nam. I'll end up CAPSING you and calling you a bloody idiot. You'll end up going back to default flexible squares and avoiding me forever and ever. Thinking, "Christ, what a prick." It's also why I was terrible in my last job as a software help desk consultant. The horror, the horror.
CALL FROM SISTER IN LAW: Kelly, one of the kids has sat on the keyboard and everything has gone upside down.
ME: No problem. CTRL + ALT + AND UP ARROW.
SISTER IN LAW: WHOA, SLOW DOWN, BOB GATES. Where are they?
TEN MINUTES LATER.
ME: Bottom of keyboard. C! T! R! L! Yes, you DO have it! EVERY KEYBOARD HAS IT!
CALL FROM MOTHER: Kelly, how do I get, like, words on Facebook?
ME: Where do you want the words?
MOTHER: Next to me name?
ME: I already told you...okay. That's a status. Okay, just type in it? And put whatever you're doing right now. Type "is being annoying."
MOTHER: It wants me to login?
ME: Well. Log in, then?
MOTHER: What's my password?
ME: I told you to write this down the last FOUR TIMES that we've had this discussion!
MOTHER: I can't remember my log in either. Could you look in my email, my sweet?
ONE HOUR LATER.
MOTHER: So, how do I post on Janice's page.
ME: Click.on.her.
MOTHER: Can everyone see this.
ME: Janice's friends can. You can. I've explained this. We went through this WHEN I SET FACEBOOK UP. This is why you're not allowed Twitter!
MOTHER: I'm only asking, pet!
ME: Sorry. Sorry.
MOTHER: It's just you're my clever girl! *pretends to cry*
ME: Aw, well. It's fine. I don't mind.
MOTHER: What's my email password?
ME: ...
MOTHER: Oh, Janice is at the door, pet! Bye!
FIVE MINUTES LATER.
MOTHER: I told Janice you'd book her holiday for her online.
--
TEXT OFF UNCLE: Kel. Need you to sell some things on Ebay. Hush hush.
--
CALL FROM DAD: KEL! HOW DO I GET SKY PLUS TO TAPE?
ME: You may as well hang up. I'll probably hear you.
DAD: CHEEKY BUGGER. WAS TAPING "MAFIA MURDERS" IT'S ONLY RECORDED THREE MINUTES. WHY'S THAT?
ME: BECAUSE...Because you probably pressed it twice.
DAD: HOW DID I DO THAT?
DAD: KEL! I GOT BAND OF BROTHERS. MINT CONDITION. GOT THAT GADGEY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE HAS WIND IN IT. BUT IT WON'T PLAY SECOND EPISODE? JUST ALL THAT SHITE ABOUT COPYRIGHT IN AUSTRALIA COMES UP. THEN IT GOES BACK TO START.
ME: The menu? Click sideways.
[NEARLY DIE AS STRUGGLE ON BUS WITH HAND IN SPLINT AND BAGS]
DAD: WHAT? STOP MUTTERING. YOU'RE ALWAYS MUTTERING.
ME: Click sideways?! The arrow pointing right? Click and press enter?
DAD: DOES IT SAY THREE ON IT?
ME: I don't have your remote control committed to memory! What can you see?
DAD: NOWT.
ME: You don't even have it in, do you? I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN TEN MINUTES. SET IT UP.
[FALL OVER ON BUS]
ME: Right, what can you see?
DAD: IT'S CAME ON NOW. SEE? YOU AIN'T THE ONLY CLEVER ARSE.
--
TEXT OFF SISTER IN LAW: Kelly. Need you to write my CV for me.
--
TEXTS FROM BROTHER: Alrite, Schmell? Book six tickets to WWE for me. Get seats at front. Ta. Square you up when I see you.
BROTHER: Look up trains and hotels, too.
BROTHER: Get me a Moonpig card from me and kids to Yvette. Nice one. Not soppy. Square you up when I see you.
BROTHER: Schmell. My I-Tunes isn't working. Why?
BROTHER: How do I synch music?
BROTHER: Kids want Spongebob on it. How?
BROTHER: When you back? Come put music on my I-Pod for me.
BROTHER: Need you to book me a taxi. Text me when it's coming.
All of this? The last week. God, I wish I was Amish.
The techical calls. Since the age of six months I have surpassed my family in such feats as how to work the VCR or replacing batteries in the remote. I used to dread daylight saving time changes because then the clock would have to be reset. RESET NOW. Not after your arty farty homework, I don't care there's a clock above the telly, I NEED IT CHANGED. I have nightmares of my Dad insisting we had Video Plus because John Hope did and if HE did we should and why isn't it working and me getting a smack because I ended up screaming "I BLINDED HIM WITH SCIENCE!" in his face. But now they call me and I have to do it over the phone and it's worse! It's like being a builder but instead of bricks and mortar my tools are tiny stupid people.
This is why, flist, I always like to log in as you to do your mood themes and layouts when you ask rather than explain because I know I'll have flashbacks like 'Nam. I'll end up CAPSING you and calling you a bloody idiot. You'll end up going back to default flexible squares and avoiding me forever and ever. Thinking, "Christ, what a prick." It's also why I was terrible in my last job as a software help desk consultant. The horror, the horror.
CALL FROM SISTER IN LAW: Kelly, one of the kids has sat on the keyboard and everything has gone upside down.
ME: No problem. CTRL + ALT + AND UP ARROW.
SISTER IN LAW: WHOA, SLOW DOWN, BOB GATES. Where are they?
TEN MINUTES LATER.
ME: Bottom of keyboard. C! T! R! L! Yes, you DO have it! EVERY KEYBOARD HAS IT!
CALL FROM MOTHER: Kelly, how do I get, like, words on Facebook?
ME: Where do you want the words?
MOTHER: Next to me name?
ME: I already told you...okay. That's a status. Okay, just type in it? And put whatever you're doing right now. Type "is being annoying."
MOTHER: It wants me to login?
ME: Well. Log in, then?
MOTHER: What's my password?
ME: I told you to write this down the last FOUR TIMES that we've had this discussion!
MOTHER: I can't remember my log in either. Could you look in my email, my sweet?
ONE HOUR LATER.
MOTHER: So, how do I post on Janice's page.
ME: Click.on.her.
MOTHER: Can everyone see this.
ME: Janice's friends can. You can. I've explained this. We went through this WHEN I SET FACEBOOK UP. This is why you're not allowed Twitter!
MOTHER: I'm only asking, pet!
ME: Sorry. Sorry.
MOTHER: It's just you're my clever girl! *pretends to cry*
ME: Aw, well. It's fine. I don't mind.
MOTHER: What's my email password?
ME: ...
MOTHER: Oh, Janice is at the door, pet! Bye!
FIVE MINUTES LATER.
MOTHER: I told Janice you'd book her holiday for her online.
--
TEXT OFF UNCLE: Kel. Need you to sell some things on Ebay. Hush hush.
--
CALL FROM DAD: KEL! HOW DO I GET SKY PLUS TO TAPE?
ME: You may as well hang up. I'll probably hear you.
DAD: CHEEKY BUGGER. WAS TAPING "MAFIA MURDERS" IT'S ONLY RECORDED THREE MINUTES. WHY'S THAT?
ME: BECAUSE...Because you probably pressed it twice.
DAD: HOW DID I DO THAT?
DAD: KEL! I GOT BAND OF BROTHERS. MINT CONDITION. GOT THAT GADGEY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE HAS WIND IN IT. BUT IT WON'T PLAY SECOND EPISODE? JUST ALL THAT SHITE ABOUT COPYRIGHT IN AUSTRALIA COMES UP. THEN IT GOES BACK TO START.
ME: The menu? Click sideways.
[NEARLY DIE AS STRUGGLE ON BUS WITH HAND IN SPLINT AND BAGS]
DAD: WHAT? STOP MUTTERING. YOU'RE ALWAYS MUTTERING.
ME: Click sideways?! The arrow pointing right? Click and press enter?
DAD: DOES IT SAY THREE ON IT?
ME: I don't have your remote control committed to memory! What can you see?
DAD: NOWT.
ME: You don't even have it in, do you? I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN TEN MINUTES. SET IT UP.
[FALL OVER ON BUS]
ME: Right, what can you see?
DAD: IT'S CAME ON NOW. SEE? YOU AIN'T THE ONLY CLEVER ARSE.
--
TEXT OFF SISTER IN LAW: Kelly. Need you to write my CV for me.
--
TEXTS FROM BROTHER: Alrite, Schmell? Book six tickets to WWE for me. Get seats at front. Ta. Square you up when I see you.
BROTHER: Look up trains and hotels, too.
BROTHER: Get me a Moonpig card from me and kids to Yvette. Nice one. Not soppy. Square you up when I see you.
BROTHER: Schmell. My I-Tunes isn't working. Why?
BROTHER: How do I synch music?
BROTHER: Kids want Spongebob on it. How?
BROTHER: When you back? Come put music on my I-Pod for me.
BROTHER: Need you to book me a taxi. Text me when it's coming.
All of this? The last week. God, I wish I was Amish.