momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
Today I did something that went against every feeling I had. I read Jata's blog. It dates back to 2002...way before she even knew I existed.
I don't know why I can't listen. My mom always tells me "never ask questions you don't want answers to". My sister, Jeri, always tells me "if you keep looking, you'll find exactly what you don't want to find". Erica - being the most blunt of the three - tells me "that shit is dead...let it stay that way." But do I listen? No. Because I am Lena. I'm hard headed and strong willed and, some would say, a bit spoiled. And usually that leaves me where I am right now; immensely sad, strangely jealous, and tremendously wiser.
First, maybe I should say I'm not a stupid woman (which really goes without saying). I know that in order to be the Jata she is today, that she had to have experienced life before me. Which means love before me. But there definitely is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path, Neo. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of names on paper and past tense bitches. I hate that there was life before Lena, that there was love before Lena, that there was happiness before Lena. I hate that someone else got to hold her before I did, make her feel the exhiliration of passion, make her smile at a stupid joke, make her miss them when they left.
I hate that there was sadness, pain, anger, disappointment before me. I'm pissed off and I want to slap ah hoe. I'm so broken hearted that I couldn't save my baby when she needed to be saved, love her when she needed to be loved. I hate that someone hurt her, broke her heart, made her feel less than the beautiful woman she is. I wish that I could go back in time and step into her life, say "I love you and you don't have to put up with this shit." But I can't. And maybe I should be grateful. This was her path to me.
I cried tonight. A pituful lot. It's bizarr and painful, sad and confusing...strange to know her before I knew her, to lover her as she was then, to be angry that she would take another woman to bed BEFORE SHE KNEW ME. I wonder if she would have loved me back then...I wonder if she would have liked me. I feel very juvenile right now. I guess the moral to this story children, is...that's what you get for jumping in the bed.
All I know is, when she comes home in the morning I'll hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and hope those words haven't been said so much that they've lost meaning. Lie on our pillows in our house under blankets we picked out together and just love my woman
because despite anything,
I do.
Lena
I don't know why I can't listen. My mom always tells me "never ask questions you don't want answers to". My sister, Jeri, always tells me "if you keep looking, you'll find exactly what you don't want to find". Erica - being the most blunt of the three - tells me "that shit is dead...let it stay that way." But do I listen? No. Because I am Lena. I'm hard headed and strong willed and, some would say, a bit spoiled. And usually that leaves me where I am right now; immensely sad, strangely jealous, and tremendously wiser.
First, maybe I should say I'm not a stupid woman (which really goes without saying). I know that in order to be the Jata she is today, that she had to have experienced life before me. Which means love before me. But there definitely is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path, Neo. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of names on paper and past tense bitches. I hate that there was life before Lena, that there was love before Lena, that there was happiness before Lena. I hate that someone else got to hold her before I did, make her feel the exhiliration of passion, make her smile at a stupid joke, make her miss them when they left.
I hate that there was sadness, pain, anger, disappointment before me. I'm pissed off and I want to slap ah hoe. I'm so broken hearted that I couldn't save my baby when she needed to be saved, love her when she needed to be loved. I hate that someone hurt her, broke her heart, made her feel less than the beautiful woman she is. I wish that I could go back in time and step into her life, say "I love you and you don't have to put up with this shit." But I can't. And maybe I should be grateful. This was her path to me.
I cried tonight. A pituful lot. It's bizarr and painful, sad and confusing...strange to know her before I knew her, to lover her as she was then, to be angry that she would take another woman to bed BEFORE SHE KNEW ME. I wonder if she would have loved me back then...I wonder if she would have liked me. I feel very juvenile right now. I guess the moral to this story children, is...that's what you get for jumping in the bed.
All I know is, when she comes home in the morning I'll hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and hope those words haven't been said so much that they've lost meaning. Lie on our pillows in our house under blankets we picked out together and just love my woman
because despite anything,
I do.
Lena