An Important History (to me)
This is the post where I discuss important moments in the history of my testicles.
January, 1979. Warwick, RI. I am four years old. In one of my earliest memories there is snow. A thick powdery blanket has fallen, towering above my head. I remember my mother looking at me, bundled in my 87 layers of clothing, topped off with a polyester jumpsuit with a zipper down the front. She smiles. I smile back and begin hobbling toward the mother, reaching out with my arms. I slip on the ice. I fall, balls first, on a lawn ornament that was buried under the snow. I cry.
April, 1984. Heilbronn, West Germany. I am 9 years old. I am at my friend Steve's house in the apartment complex all the military families live in. His mother is Korean and can barely speak english. His father is at work. Steve produces a betamax tape of his fathers' and pops it into the player. There are lots of topless women running around, shooting at each other with really poor special effect ray-guns. When they are shot, their faces pop open like that guy in Westworld and then bad plastic replicas of them melt. But mostly, the women just run around topless. The Korean mother does not understand that this is something the dad doesnt want his kid to know about. She serves us rice and soy sauce while we watch the movie. Shortly after, I will discover my father's collection of Playboy. I am not sure exactly what is going on or why I am so drawn to these things, but I enjoy the slight tingling sensation in my balls.
August, 1987. Martinez, GA. The masturbation years commence in full swing.
June-July, 1989. High Point, NC. Heavy Petting with K. I soon come to understand the frustration of the Blue Balls, and how scary a 5 hour erection can be.
August, 1989. K is replaced by A. The end of Blue Balls. (And by the way, K was totally more cool.)
November, 1994. Raleigh, NC "You're HOW old?" First moral age dilemma encountered when balls waver back and forth on the issue of someone who was 16 when I was 18. "It's statutory, dude." mawwww. :( "She's HOT." Mrrrr!? :D "Statutory!" MAWWWW! :(
May, 1997, High Point, NC. Learn painful lesson. Poison Ivy and Testicles do not mix.
September, 1999. Salisbury, NC. Learn that some females think fondling the testicles means squishing them in a tight fist and batting them around like a speed-punching bag. Painful lesson.
February, 2000. High Point, NC. My first self purchased computer and first PC since my dad bought one in the late 80's. first time have readily available internet access. The Masturbation Age takes on a whole new meaning at the turn of the millennium.
March, 2004. Miranda, CA. Upon arriving in CA in January, feel giddy that there is no Poison Ivy in sight. Romp around through the woods. Learn painful lesson wherein Balls + Poison Oak do not mix.
July, 2007, Miranda, CA. testicles reminisce on some of the best of times and worst of times.
The end.
January, 1979. Warwick, RI. I am four years old. In one of my earliest memories there is snow. A thick powdery blanket has fallen, towering above my head. I remember my mother looking at me, bundled in my 87 layers of clothing, topped off with a polyester jumpsuit with a zipper down the front. She smiles. I smile back and begin hobbling toward the mother, reaching out with my arms. I slip on the ice. I fall, balls first, on a lawn ornament that was buried under the snow. I cry.
April, 1984. Heilbronn, West Germany. I am 9 years old. I am at my friend Steve's house in the apartment complex all the military families live in. His mother is Korean and can barely speak english. His father is at work. Steve produces a betamax tape of his fathers' and pops it into the player. There are lots of topless women running around, shooting at each other with really poor special effect ray-guns. When they are shot, their faces pop open like that guy in Westworld and then bad plastic replicas of them melt. But mostly, the women just run around topless. The Korean mother does not understand that this is something the dad doesnt want his kid to know about. She serves us rice and soy sauce while we watch the movie. Shortly after, I will discover my father's collection of Playboy. I am not sure exactly what is going on or why I am so drawn to these things, but I enjoy the slight tingling sensation in my balls.
August, 1987. Martinez, GA. The masturbation years commence in full swing.
June-July, 1989. High Point, NC. Heavy Petting with K. I soon come to understand the frustration of the Blue Balls, and how scary a 5 hour erection can be.
August, 1989. K is replaced by A. The end of Blue Balls. (And by the way, K was totally more cool.)
November, 1994. Raleigh, NC "You're HOW old?" First moral age dilemma encountered when balls waver back and forth on the issue of someone who was 16 when I was 18. "It's statutory, dude." mawwww. :( "She's HOT." Mrrrr!? :D "Statutory!" MAWWWW! :(
May, 1997, High Point, NC. Learn painful lesson. Poison Ivy and Testicles do not mix.
September, 1999. Salisbury, NC. Learn that some females think fondling the testicles means squishing them in a tight fist and batting them around like a speed-punching bag. Painful lesson.
February, 2000. High Point, NC. My first self purchased computer and first PC since my dad bought one in the late 80's. first time have readily available internet access. The Masturbation Age takes on a whole new meaning at the turn of the millennium.
March, 2004. Miranda, CA. Upon arriving in CA in January, feel giddy that there is no Poison Ivy in sight. Romp around through the woods. Learn painful lesson wherein Balls + Poison Oak do not mix.
July, 2007, Miranda, CA. testicles reminisce on some of the best of times and worst of times.
The end.