HEY MR MUDAKER
So, for my creative writing class, we had to write these 'shaggy dog' stories, which are supposed to start at Point A, develop though random tangents, and end at Point B. We had to use this paper that everyone wrote random setences on, to guide our story. I'm not quite sure if I did it right, but I was amused anyway. And here's why:
So I’m in the middle of a skull crushing game of spider solitaire when Milton calls me and is like, hey man we’re playing Attack of the Killer Alien Zombies III at Maynard’s and dude you’ve gotta see this and I’m like, ok. So I get on my moped and I’m cruising at probably ten miles, which is like way excellent for my moped. I had the wheels fitted with those clips that you put on bicycles that make that click-click-click sound as you go down the street. It sounds like a fucking machine gun on my moped, though, like I’m fucking mowing down all the undead on my street. Like, Mr. Mudaker, that old Chinese guy who’s like half blind. No shit, I swear he’s dead already; he’ll be in his garden and he’s got this white picket fence that he’s painting puke yellow, like the color of napalm or something, and I’m like, HEY MR. MUDAKER as I cruise by with my machine gun moped just so I can laugh as he squints at me and shakes his fist, probably muttering Chinese zombie curses at me, but I’m like, whatever Mr. Mudaker, which totally always reminds me of the time Hester went through this food coloring phase. Hester is Milton’s mom and she’s badass, like she has this giant suit of armor that she papier-mâchéd when she was twelve and in art school and her life philosophy is like, boys make girls want to be lesbians or something, which is pretty hot too. Hester works at blockbuster now, which is bogus in a good way because we get hooked up with all sorts of free game rentals. Anyway, she went through this phase where she experimented with food coloring at every meal. So, we’d be like, hey Hester, what’s for dinner? And it’d be like, green rice or blue spaghetti and Maynard would be like, I really didn’t think that she would go that way… I mean, seriously, blue? Or like, I’m too irritable, green is not my color, and we’d be like, shut up Maynard. We’re always saying shut up Maynard because Maynard runs his mouth like a faucet that’s broken and runs all the time. In fact, the only time I can remember Maynard definitely not talking, like not even to himself, was the time he was drowning in the kiddie pool like in eleventh grade when we were trying to teach him to swim without those orange water wings because they’re way not cool. So anyway, Milton was like, hey man when I count to ten, breathe, and Maynard was like absolutely dead, practically a zombie already and so this lifeguard chick gave him mouth to mouth and we were all like, whoa… hot. Anyway, Maynard ended up living which was kind of a bummer because we could have clocked some real zombie hunting time. We sometimes pretend he died anyway, but he hates it when we do that. He’ll be like, fuck, and then we’ll stop. This one time me and Milton recorded Maynard talking in his sleep because he says some whack things like, well that was an enjoyable afternoon with the queen. Maynard wears an uncool amount of pink, too, but we try to overlook it because he can fucking get to level 23 of like any game ever in ten minutes or less, no joke. He’s also down with random shit like this one time Maynard and I dressed Milton up like Jesus because he practically looks like Jesus already, we just added the beard and it was like, holy shit. Like, literally almost. But I had to try hard not to imagine my grandfather’s beard because my grandfather is like anyone but Jesus, you know? He’s probably an ex-Nazi or like a communist, I don’t even know. It’s cool, though, because Milton and Maynard and me can be like, hey man what should we do now? And I can be like, hey man why don’t we go spy on my communist Nazi grandfather and then that’s what we’ll do. Anyway, I’m like pondering on all this shit and I look up from my moped and that’s when I realize I’m lost, which is ridiculous because how many times in my life have I driven my machine gun moped to Milton’s for like Deathcraft 12 or Attack of the Killer Alien Zombies or whatever? Fucking bizarre.
The only thing is, I don't know if napalm is really yellow.
So I’m in the middle of a skull crushing game of spider solitaire when Milton calls me and is like, hey man we’re playing Attack of the Killer Alien Zombies III at Maynard’s and dude you’ve gotta see this and I’m like, ok. So I get on my moped and I’m cruising at probably ten miles, which is like way excellent for my moped. I had the wheels fitted with those clips that you put on bicycles that make that click-click-click sound as you go down the street. It sounds like a fucking machine gun on my moped, though, like I’m fucking mowing down all the undead on my street. Like, Mr. Mudaker, that old Chinese guy who’s like half blind. No shit, I swear he’s dead already; he’ll be in his garden and he’s got this white picket fence that he’s painting puke yellow, like the color of napalm or something, and I’m like, HEY MR. MUDAKER as I cruise by with my machine gun moped just so I can laugh as he squints at me and shakes his fist, probably muttering Chinese zombie curses at me, but I’m like, whatever Mr. Mudaker, which totally always reminds me of the time Hester went through this food coloring phase. Hester is Milton’s mom and she’s badass, like she has this giant suit of armor that she papier-mâchéd when she was twelve and in art school and her life philosophy is like, boys make girls want to be lesbians or something, which is pretty hot too. Hester works at blockbuster now, which is bogus in a good way because we get hooked up with all sorts of free game rentals. Anyway, she went through this phase where she experimented with food coloring at every meal. So, we’d be like, hey Hester, what’s for dinner? And it’d be like, green rice or blue spaghetti and Maynard would be like, I really didn’t think that she would go that way… I mean, seriously, blue? Or like, I’m too irritable, green is not my color, and we’d be like, shut up Maynard. We’re always saying shut up Maynard because Maynard runs his mouth like a faucet that’s broken and runs all the time. In fact, the only time I can remember Maynard definitely not talking, like not even to himself, was the time he was drowning in the kiddie pool like in eleventh grade when we were trying to teach him to swim without those orange water wings because they’re way not cool. So anyway, Milton was like, hey man when I count to ten, breathe, and Maynard was like absolutely dead, practically a zombie already and so this lifeguard chick gave him mouth to mouth and we were all like, whoa… hot. Anyway, Maynard ended up living which was kind of a bummer because we could have clocked some real zombie hunting time. We sometimes pretend he died anyway, but he hates it when we do that. He’ll be like, fuck, and then we’ll stop. This one time me and Milton recorded Maynard talking in his sleep because he says some whack things like, well that was an enjoyable afternoon with the queen. Maynard wears an uncool amount of pink, too, but we try to overlook it because he can fucking get to level 23 of like any game ever in ten minutes or less, no joke. He’s also down with random shit like this one time Maynard and I dressed Milton up like Jesus because he practically looks like Jesus already, we just added the beard and it was like, holy shit. Like, literally almost. But I had to try hard not to imagine my grandfather’s beard because my grandfather is like anyone but Jesus, you know? He’s probably an ex-Nazi or like a communist, I don’t even know. It’s cool, though, because Milton and Maynard and me can be like, hey man what should we do now? And I can be like, hey man why don’t we go spy on my communist Nazi grandfather and then that’s what we’ll do. Anyway, I’m like pondering on all this shit and I look up from my moped and that’s when I realize I’m lost, which is ridiculous because how many times in my life have I driven my machine gun moped to Milton’s for like Deathcraft 12 or Attack of the Killer Alien Zombies or whatever? Fucking bizarre.
The only thing is, I don't know if napalm is really yellow.