Names and Narratives

[mostlyfoo]

So the name thing is mostly that I want to do it once in terms of most of the official paperwork as getting banks, bills, drivers licences and other tat all done as well as retraining work mates is going to be a bother, and I don't want to do it and then 3 or 6 months later realise I have to do it all over again as I made a mistake

Comments

[mrvi]

I think it's interesting that you've made the split between concious and unconscious mind. Consider this:

The conscious mind is only that which we are 'aware' of. As you've said yourself, when you're tired and sleepy you - not simply your unconscious mind, but *you* - sign off as Tabi. When you are unable to 'control' the situation, you worry about Tabi, and the whole situation as it stands.

Now, the interesting metanarrative you're running is that there is conflict/division. That's understandable - after all you're undergoing transition, the shift from one thing to another, yes? So if you look at the metanarrative of the transition process as a whole, it's about bringing the inner and outer into line to be whole. To be comfortable in your own skin, when you're most vulnerable AND when you're feeling at your most powerful and fabulous.

You've said that Sales folks might take the piss, which I think will get them slapped if they do. But you can't control that. You can't control how others see you, other than asking them to bear certain things in mind. Also, what's wrong with the animalistic side? I suppose the question of whether you're able to 'train' your 'brain' might be better served by not framing that way, but instead asking what makes you feel more 'you'. Whichever that is, I'd advise you play that one to its utterly fabulous hilt my dear?

(NB: I may just be being a cripple who's sick of external judgements dictating how they feel after thirty odd years. YMMV.)

For someone who's so Buddhist influenced, the dualism you express and get caught upin is weirdly fascinating, and I mean that with love. Shut the brain up for a bit and *sit*. The ultimate question is, which makes you feel more *whole*, more *you* - if you build identity on extrinsic factors, it tends to be more fragile, and I can tell you that from brutal experience (Ask in person if you want the skinny)

[mostlyfoo]

Indeed, the conscious and subsconscious are in many ways made up of lots of bits and bobs and assorted parts of me that shift around, but by and large the bulk of awake me that considers itself me at any point is what I call my conscious self, the rest that provides prompts and does all the auto-pilot things I consider my subsconscious, and the constituents of both these labels are changable really.

As for what makes me feel more me then I've never really been fussed about names before, I've never really had one that I could consider a name for much of me that I could use on paper and in person, and hence I never really grew attached to my paperwork name. I fought for my nicknames, but they weren't whole and complete because they were never able to be used to bring the bureaucratic process to do my bidding.

And so the quest for names was kind of exciting, I spent the first part of it looking for all kinds of names and narrowing down the list to ones I liked, and wanted to experiment with. But what I kind of find vexing is that large swathes of the me appear to have imprinted upon something that other large swathes of me aren't so fond of, and are prepared to wind me up by not letting the conscious me make a choice of a name without extensively trying to insert another option.

On the wholeness front I'm still not sure which names will do that, I'd like a name with the wholeness of feeling comfortable using it everywhere, which is why I find the attempted insertation of a name I don't feel totally comfortable with by partly hidden bits of myself onto the tip of my tongue and fingers kind of vexing. Hence why I'm just pondering out loud, is this a sign I should heed to parts of me that have become attached, that I should learn to embrace this name as a wholeness? Or should I examine this and try and work out if its a delaying tactic, my brain worried about the outcome of dealing with coming out at work has decided to throw effort into trying to put a spanner in the works, generating attachment to a name it knows makes me uncomfortable to express at times.

Afraid I find it hard to avoid the metanarrative of conflict amongst me, it seems to be the case at the minute. I'm hoping I'll look back at this stage and decision in a few years and laugh at my over wrought behaviour.

[mostlyfoo]

Also because I think my previous reply came off as random and possibly ignoring your excellent advice - THANK YOU, your continued support has been awesome, especially as you continue to engage with round after round of this particular flavoured bullshit from my head :)