(no subject)
i shouldn't look at band pictures. it makes me miss band too much. lol, anyone who's been reading my blogs/LJ since last year, that should come as a shock since all i did was fucking complain at the time...but now i totally miss it. i was just checking out the SH band website, beacuse i kinda forgot it existed...and like, i hadn't seen many of the pictures from last year that were up there. disney pictures...jazz band pictures...i really miss band. like, at the home show, i'm not going back on what i said, it did feel right to be watching and not to be in band anymore...i don't even know. this was different though. to see stuff i totally forgot happened...to see me playing, and being happy about it, which is something i haven't done in months...*sigh*.
i'm beginning to think i made the wrong choice by not trying out for jazz here. i mean, my reasons were all valid:
1. it wouldn't be the same as in high school. different people, different everything.
2. i didn't want high school to follow me to college. band = all of high school. i'm not that person anymore.
3. in a sense, i didn't think i was good enough, to be honest.
i think i should have thought about it more though, i don't know. reason #2 was most of it. my whole thing about college was that i wanted to reinvent myself...well, not necessarily...but more like, i wanted to show people all the stuff that changed about me senior year that no one could realize. which i have. and that's awesome, don't get me wrong. but i guess i thought that i couldn't bring high school stuff to college. i don't know...it made sense to me at the time. and it still makes sense to me, mostly. and reason #3...that had alot to do with it too. like, i'm not saying that i wasn't good, because i was (i'm not being conceited)...but like, i just didn't think i knew enough to be in a real jazz band. not that SH wasn't real...but theory-wise, improv wise...i don't know alot at all. and i figured everyone else would, so i didn't want to make an ass of myself, i suppose. i mean, i always kinda got scared playing in front of people...i don't know, i can't explain it, i guess. but i don't know...now i think maybe i should have tried out anyway. who knows, you know? i mean, there's nothing i can do about it now...but i miss it.
but do i miss it because i miss my friends and the good times?
things are just so different now. not that that's bad. because it's definitely not. things are right because they're different. but still, they're just different, in some respects. that's one thing i def realized at the home show this past weekend. some things are better though...in fact, most things are better. i don't want to come off sounding like i'm not happy, because i'm happier than i have been in a long time.
i just miss the familiarity, i suppose.
i suppose everyone has nights like this. i just haven't yet.
again though, don't think i'm unhappy. i love it here. and to be completely contradicting lol, some things haven't changed.
i don't think i'm explaining myself very well at all. i should work on being less convoluted.
it's funny how this post kinda changed it's focus halfway through. totally the way i think.
christina's brain = a huge mess
lol.
i'm going to bed, i think. goodnight.
i'm beginning to think i made the wrong choice by not trying out for jazz here. i mean, my reasons were all valid:
1. it wouldn't be the same as in high school. different people, different everything.
2. i didn't want high school to follow me to college. band = all of high school. i'm not that person anymore.
3. in a sense, i didn't think i was good enough, to be honest.
i think i should have thought about it more though, i don't know. reason #2 was most of it. my whole thing about college was that i wanted to reinvent myself...well, not necessarily...but more like, i wanted to show people all the stuff that changed about me senior year that no one could realize. which i have. and that's awesome, don't get me wrong. but i guess i thought that i couldn't bring high school stuff to college. i don't know...it made sense to me at the time. and it still makes sense to me, mostly. and reason #3...that had alot to do with it too. like, i'm not saying that i wasn't good, because i was (i'm not being conceited)...but like, i just didn't think i knew enough to be in a real jazz band. not that SH wasn't real...but theory-wise, improv wise...i don't know alot at all. and i figured everyone else would, so i didn't want to make an ass of myself, i suppose. i mean, i always kinda got scared playing in front of people...i don't know, i can't explain it, i guess. but i don't know...now i think maybe i should have tried out anyway. who knows, you know? i mean, there's nothing i can do about it now...but i miss it.
but do i miss it because i miss my friends and the good times?
things are just so different now. not that that's bad. because it's definitely not. things are right because they're different. but still, they're just different, in some respects. that's one thing i def realized at the home show this past weekend. some things are better though...in fact, most things are better. i don't want to come off sounding like i'm not happy, because i'm happier than i have been in a long time.
i just miss the familiarity, i suppose.
i suppose everyone has nights like this. i just haven't yet.
again though, don't think i'm unhappy. i love it here. and to be completely contradicting lol, some things haven't changed.
i don't think i'm explaining myself very well at all. i should work on being less convoluted.
it's funny how this post kinda changed it's focus halfway through. totally the way i think.
christina's brain = a huge mess
lol.
i'm going to bed, i think. goodnight.