(no subject)
so i had this time in portland and was awed by the blatant simplicity of connection and shared affection that i experienced between myself and people i came to know, and love to the extent that i knew them. And it has been really fucking hard to reconcile that with the over complex way that people normally interact with all the boundaries and social coteries at play in any given moment. i have basically been devastated by my imagination having been stretched around the idea of such simple and joyous... (sharing? we don't have good words for it really) and then thrown back into a swarm of such certain terms of relation. it's enough to make a sane person crazy.
so now i am here, (where is that?) and the most intimate relationship i may have ever had has dissolved into something else, maybe just something new, but it doesnt feel like it. and i am emotionally homeless. free to call any moment home, and yet have comfort in no certain or familiar place. alcohol has played such a mixed role in the late hours of my long nights as of late. my family curse is on my mind, but so is so much else, and there is a certain honesty that comes, which i can only simply call a blessing.
It rained tonight. I danced on a picnic table as it rained and i worried about slipping, and i worried about nothing else. I was at a crowded bar in my pajamas. and i had to have let go, or i don't know what i was doing up there, and goddamn if i don't deserve to let go. the rain on my tongue was like taking communion when i've been fucking needing to go to church.
so what am i saying. that i feel groundless and somehow fundamentally unsure of what i am going through and where i am coming from (without being as i have known in this relationship) and also, i feel somehow free and at home and secure in these moments, in this way of simple honesty and simple appreciation and sharing with the beauty and god in others. no apologies could ever be necessary for being there in those moments.
"and low, my lover comes to me and tells me of her dreams,
with no attempts to shovel a glimpse into the ditch of what each one means,
at times i think there are no words but these to tell what's true,
and there are no truths outside the gates of eden."
-dylan, "gates of eden"
my deeper more all encompassing co-creator self has been cradling me as a finite mind with the caresses of support and reassuring deja vu's and dreams of freedom and love. skills i need to grow in.
so now i am here, (where is that?) and the most intimate relationship i may have ever had has dissolved into something else, maybe just something new, but it doesnt feel like it. and i am emotionally homeless. free to call any moment home, and yet have comfort in no certain or familiar place. alcohol has played such a mixed role in the late hours of my long nights as of late. my family curse is on my mind, but so is so much else, and there is a certain honesty that comes, which i can only simply call a blessing.
It rained tonight. I danced on a picnic table as it rained and i worried about slipping, and i worried about nothing else. I was at a crowded bar in my pajamas. and i had to have let go, or i don't know what i was doing up there, and goddamn if i don't deserve to let go. the rain on my tongue was like taking communion when i've been fucking needing to go to church.
so what am i saying. that i feel groundless and somehow fundamentally unsure of what i am going through and where i am coming from (without being as i have known in this relationship) and also, i feel somehow free and at home and secure in these moments, in this way of simple honesty and simple appreciation and sharing with the beauty and god in others. no apologies could ever be necessary for being there in those moments.
"and low, my lover comes to me and tells me of her dreams,
with no attempts to shovel a glimpse into the ditch of what each one means,
at times i think there are no words but these to tell what's true,
and there are no truths outside the gates of eden."
-dylan, "gates of eden"
my deeper more all encompassing co-creator self has been cradling me as a finite mind with the caresses of support and reassuring deja vu's and dreams of freedom and love. skills i need to grow in.