"the rantings of a drained man"
Who would I really be betraying? I feel like i'm betraying people right now by not taking action. I see a small light at the end of this tunnel, yet I am moving away from it. I have become more of a religious man in the past few years. It gives me periods of hope, but not yet what I seek...consistent hope. I hold myself to impossible expectations, and others can't even see it...the same others who hold me to the same expectations. For all i've tried to say and for all i've tried to hide, still nobody can see me, hear me, understand what i seek. I just read a passage that said "You lose control and your passion and potential are forever quenched." I will not lose control. I'll always have control, one way or another. You may ask why I just don't say what I mean. As in all my decisions, I am indecisive. I get so close, and suddenly I'm so far away again. That says it perfectly. Would I ever act on my thoughts? Obviously I haven't. You'll know if I do. As time goes on and the picture becomes clearer, so will my choice. Right now, I'm hanging on the edge, but still holding on firmly with both hands. So many things must happen for me to keep them firmly holding; few things must happen for me to loosen my grip.
I have always feared payment for my past sins. And yet I yearn for the past. Not to repeat it, but to take a different road. So many regrets; ironically this choice involves no regrets..it would be impossible. I cannot change who I am. I realize I cannot please everyone, and yet it feels like I please no one. For the most part, my acts of kindness, subtle or obvious, go unnoticed or unacknowleged. My generousity has no limits, yet others place their own limits on it. My satisfaction comes from pleasing others, doing for others. If i cannot do any of these, I cannot possibly get satisfaction. I can no longer live my life for myself only. When those who are close to me feel pain, I feel pain. When they endure failure, I endure failure. Conversely, my happiness comes with their happiness. Do not fault me for this...it is one of the things that is beyond my reach to change.
I have created a reputation for myself that can never be dissolved. It has left me vulnerable to excess criticism and ridicule, even some from an unexpected, very hurtful direction. It's worse when they are not even aware of it.
"Be careful what you say to people, you never know what they are really feeling"
It didn't say who said that quote...probably nobody important, but definitely someone who understands the position I am in. Beware that you don't push the knife in further, when you are tasked with taking it out. If you are true to me, don't give up pulling. Yet do not expect it to come out all the way.
My very foundations are crumbling from within..they have been for years. Slowly, I've managed to lose some of the very sources of support. The ones that remain are unstable, and have slowly declined over the past year. As much as I aim to please, I'm apparently missing. I fear the day I realize that I've lost all the support, the day that I realize there really was no light at the end, the day that my future is one of loneliness, despair, and unsatisfaction, the day that I lose my grip. I hope that day never comes. Forgive me for all that I've done and what I will do. Don't give up on me, even when I have given up on myself. Don't give up on me, even if I ask you to. Don't give up on me, even when the very sight of me disgusts you; when the very sound of my voice deafens you; when the very thought of me forces a roll of your eyes. Reach back with me into the recent and far past, to better times. Convince me to make the preferable choice, and I'll make it...for you and everyone else. Don't convince me, and I'll make the choice for me...the final irony. I know what I want; I fear what I'll get. But I, and I alone, will be in control of one choice.
Am I even in control now?..or is this just the rantings of a physically, mentally, and emotionally drained man.
"Seeking for guidance I know I won't find.
But I need it, and you can give it.
So don't be so blind."
I have always feared payment for my past sins. And yet I yearn for the past. Not to repeat it, but to take a different road. So many regrets; ironically this choice involves no regrets..it would be impossible. I cannot change who I am. I realize I cannot please everyone, and yet it feels like I please no one. For the most part, my acts of kindness, subtle or obvious, go unnoticed or unacknowleged. My generousity has no limits, yet others place their own limits on it. My satisfaction comes from pleasing others, doing for others. If i cannot do any of these, I cannot possibly get satisfaction. I can no longer live my life for myself only. When those who are close to me feel pain, I feel pain. When they endure failure, I endure failure. Conversely, my happiness comes with their happiness. Do not fault me for this...it is one of the things that is beyond my reach to change.
I have created a reputation for myself that can never be dissolved. It has left me vulnerable to excess criticism and ridicule, even some from an unexpected, very hurtful direction. It's worse when they are not even aware of it.
"Be careful what you say to people, you never know what they are really feeling"
It didn't say who said that quote...probably nobody important, but definitely someone who understands the position I am in. Beware that you don't push the knife in further, when you are tasked with taking it out. If you are true to me, don't give up pulling. Yet do not expect it to come out all the way.
My very foundations are crumbling from within..they have been for years. Slowly, I've managed to lose some of the very sources of support. The ones that remain are unstable, and have slowly declined over the past year. As much as I aim to please, I'm apparently missing. I fear the day I realize that I've lost all the support, the day that I realize there really was no light at the end, the day that my future is one of loneliness, despair, and unsatisfaction, the day that I lose my grip. I hope that day never comes. Forgive me for all that I've done and what I will do. Don't give up on me, even when I have given up on myself. Don't give up on me, even if I ask you to. Don't give up on me, even when the very sight of me disgusts you; when the very sound of my voice deafens you; when the very thought of me forces a roll of your eyes. Reach back with me into the recent and far past, to better times. Convince me to make the preferable choice, and I'll make it...for you and everyone else. Don't convince me, and I'll make the choice for me...the final irony. I know what I want; I fear what I'll get. But I, and I alone, will be in control of one choice.
Am I even in control now?..or is this just the rantings of a physically, mentally, and emotionally drained man.
"Seeking for guidance I know I won't find.
But I need it, and you can give it.
So don't be so blind."