And sometimes he leaves.....
Update:
Well.... my life of course is much less than perfect at the moment. I don't know what it is, but it almost seems and feels like Brad kind of almost doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. It's as Andy puts it: Brad is never home. I remember back to before we had even found a place to live, and all Brad kept saying was "I can't wait to just spend time at home. MY home." Yea...there goes that idea.
Aside from his absence here at the house, at nights he gets REALLY moody. Like, I'm talking he freaks out when I can't fall asleep, and I'm not lying perfectly still. So then I try to make up for it, by just going downstairs to sleep on the couch, and he freaks out saying that he can't sleep without me.
Oh. And today...well, the 20th was our 8 month anniversary. I didnt' say anything to him, I wanted to see if he'd notice. He got up this morning, went snowboarding (um...so glad he has money to spend when we have bills to pay) came home and really didn't say *that* much to me. Finally I start getting ready for work and what not and he tells me to check my xanga. It says something to the effect of "Happy eight months. I love you." Then I tell him I'm glad he remembered, but I'm pretty depressed. It would have been nice to go out to eat or had SOMETHING done, that's a little romantic. Do you want to know what he said to me? "Between 6 and 12 months isn't really that important." I was very much pissed off. He said that those are the times that really matter. Ask me what we did for our 6th month ann. Go ahead, ask. NOTHING! Did nothing. And I told this girl Laura at work that Brad has never once bought me flowers all this time. Not one flower. So she said something to him while I was standing there, and what was waiting for me when I got home. Yeah. Roses...and you damn well know he wouldn't have gotten them for me had Laura not said anything.
You know. It's just to have something romatic done once in a while. I told Andy this. It's just...frustrating. A few days ago he said something about taking me to Denny's and stuff and how he feels like I use him for money, and don't apperiate him. I was like: excuse me? Who paid for him AND his friends ALL the time before he got a job, like four months into our relationship. You wanna talk about feeling used. And what money he did get, did he spend on me? Nope. Pot. Yup. Weed. And guess what he's doing right now, on our anniversary? Smoking and playing poker at Dan's house. I doubt he'll come home tonight. I even offered to cook him dinner tonight when I got home. I got the text "Can we do dinner later, I'm playing poker." Like...I honestly don't know what to do. It's really killing me. I love him SO much, but his actions. And everytime he screws up...he's always like "I feel horrible. I know what I did was wrong, and it hurt you." Then stop doing it!!
He spent the night at Dan's house a couple days ago. And man was I PISSED. For a few reasons: I have anxiety attacks...REALLY bad ones. I've dealt with them on my own for years, but now that I have Brad, I usually calm down faster with his help. Well a few days ago, my heart started fluttering. And when it flutters I loose my breath and all I can think is: "Oh my God, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna have a heart attack, and I'm going to die." (I have good reason for this fear: everyone on my dad's side of the family has died of heart attacks by the age of 45. My dad had two heart attacks, his first at 40. Then he died of cancer at the age of 47. The longest to live in his family.) So yea. I asked Brad not to go to Dan's...that I really wanted him home. Did he listen? Nope. Went anyway. It hurt me really bad.
Rachael tells me that I shouldn't get upset that Brad is never home. He needs a life and I need a life. Well, he's got it, and I feel like I'm no longer part of that. It's like....when I see him, he's usually with someone else, until it's bed time. Rachael tells me I need to get out more, and do things on my own, without Brad, but now that we have the same friends, I don't or can't do that..."on my own." and I work late, until like 10 or 11pm--so it's not like I really have that much time to do anything. And on top of that....when I do want to hang out, the popular thing to do is go to the bar, yea, I'm not 21 until March. Even then, I don't feel like drinking. I don't know. I just feel.... really alone. Detatched. Unwanted.
I'm sorry I vented, but then again, you dont' have to read this. I doubt you DID read this. I'm just gonna...I dunno.