(no subject)
Fuck you, whoever you are. Every time you have thrown something at me
in the past, you have made it damn clear how, why, what it was for. You
have slapped me around many times and I have just smiled, but this is
getting to be too much. Specifics are not necessary, because you and I
both know what they are; third parties will just laugh, shrug their
shoulders, and go on not understanding what the big deal is, just as
they always do. That is why communication gets me nowhere. How is
someone supposed to understand how you feel when they aren't you and
can't possibly comprehend the massive burden that is being yourself?
Problems seem outlandish and ridiculous; the mind won’t bend around
them.
I'm sick of your shit. In the past, you've tossed problems at me, and
I've found some sort of happy medium, or a full-blown solution. This
time, there's a solution but it's a pretty tight fit, almost won’t go
in at all, so I'm a bit fucked, I'm a bit stressed... It's enough to
make me break. But, no, I'm not giving in to your attempts. I'm
sticking with it, but I'm doing it under the knowledge that you'll be
there at the end of it all to give me some rather appraise. You'll pat
me on the back and say, "Good work."
There's no happy ending, no solution, and not even some vague reminder
that it will get better. If you can't understand why I'm balancing on
the edge of my own self-control, then you're fucking with out help. All
I'm asking from you is, please make things easy on me. But, it won’t
happen, it never will.
This isn't a cry for help. I'm tired of being "helped," what the fuck
is the point of all this help if it's so fucking full of bias. I don't
even give a shit anymore. I thought at some point I'd be able to escape
from the taint of other people's opinions but it seems like while I'm
still being "helped" I can't escape from any of it. I will be trapped
by what other people decide is best for the rest of my entire life, and
there is no escaping it. If that isn't a fear strong enough to make you
contemplate suicide, then I don't know what is. I'm so fucking tired of
judgment.
My main problem is that I can't escape. There is no running away, now.
Escape or Running Away can be various things. Finding another solution
to a problem is an escape. Figuring out something else to do entirely,
avoiding the problem completely, and not answering it... that's a good
escape. This time, there is no escape. There is no other solution.
There is no work around.
I could run. I could take my car and speed off in whatever direction I
feel like. I could try my hand in Mexico... I could try to get into
Canada and disappear... but every time I see myself doing one of those,
I always end up back where I am. Sadly, it seems like the physical
escape is the only option I really have, and even then, I do not have
the will power, charisma, or money, to make it happen. I am out of
options.
If you want to help me, then do it
by staying the hell out of my face. Don't pretend to be on my side and
then fuck me in the ass.I'm tired of it. I'm finished with all of you...