[insert text here]
Blank.
Constantly unendingly blank.
That's all I've been in a dog's age (I'm getting old time-y on your ass.) Every time I go to write a thought down it just comes up blank. I can spend hours staring at my desk in the dark not thinking anything. There's all this shit just beneath the surface that won't come up. I realize sometimes that I don't think I'm completely over Elora. And by that I mean her effect hasn't washed off of me. To quote aging british people "she's another brick in the wall" but it's a brick that'll never move. Never come down. So that there's a constant barrier between me and someone else.
I'm reverting back to my mental stability and vulnerability of when I was in 6th grade. I find it harder and harder to actually talk to anyone because I either don't know what to say or their responses piss me off. More and more people are proving to be, in my mind, not worth talking to because they just seem to exist to remind me of my isolation. To quote an overrated rock star "I just made you up to hurt myself." Everything seems to exist just to make me upset. A selfish thought but since no one reads this I have the right to say it without provacation from my 'peers.'
I'm retreating back into my mind by building a little boring cottage in the valley between my lobes. Equipped with all the comfort and hospitality of a 1950's cabin in the mountains. I have a oil-burning lamp, a rocking chair, and a small black-and-white television to watch the world from. I feel like my mind's rusting. Like the titanic at the bottom of the sea, an old and water-logged machine too broken and covered in feet of rust to be of any use.
A comic I read today said "You never trust them as much as you do the first time." That's what has me so introspective tonight. It's true. I trusted Elora's every word and action with every fiber of my being because for the first time I felt loved by someone. I felt wanted and when she threw me out of her life I felt completely alone. Completely betrayed and vulnerable and questioning my own worth. Why was I the one that wasn't needed and could be thrown out? Why was I the one who deserved this? That's the kind of shit that you think about and if you don't get yourself in a right head space it can only go south. And for me it did. And is still does and I can't figure out why.
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about Elora. Not out of fondness. I just keep thinking about why it went wrong. Why it still hurts. When it's your first you always hope and pray and fight for it to be the right one. And I guess I'm still hung up on that. I still wish sometimes that she had been the right one. Because now there is that never-ending doubt that this one isn't either. That the next one won't be, or the next. Because the first one was so wrong I have trouble thinking any of the others will be any better. I think I love Samm. I never get tired of her company and she always makes me laugh but when she's gone I don't really miss her. I guess what I'm feeling is emotional independance in that when she's gone I'm not saddened and therefore yearn for her presence.
When I'm with her I feel alone. It's impossible to phrase it any other way than that. She's a very animated and lively and happy and wonderful person and I enjoy her company, as I've said, but I still feel alone. I think part of this is the overwhelmingly negative effect her parents have on me. They're easily the nastiest, most vile people I've ever met and every time I'm around them I just shut off emotionally. Unfortunately this is also pretty much the only time I can see Samm, so I have to wonder if the negativity of her parents confuse my emotions into feeling the way I do about Samm right now.
Constantly unendingly blank.
That's all I've been in a dog's age (I'm getting old time-y on your ass.) Every time I go to write a thought down it just comes up blank. I can spend hours staring at my desk in the dark not thinking anything. There's all this shit just beneath the surface that won't come up. I realize sometimes that I don't think I'm completely over Elora. And by that I mean her effect hasn't washed off of me. To quote aging british people "she's another brick in the wall" but it's a brick that'll never move. Never come down. So that there's a constant barrier between me and someone else.
I'm reverting back to my mental stability and vulnerability of when I was in 6th grade. I find it harder and harder to actually talk to anyone because I either don't know what to say or their responses piss me off. More and more people are proving to be, in my mind, not worth talking to because they just seem to exist to remind me of my isolation. To quote an overrated rock star "I just made you up to hurt myself." Everything seems to exist just to make me upset. A selfish thought but since no one reads this I have the right to say it without provacation from my 'peers.'
I'm retreating back into my mind by building a little boring cottage in the valley between my lobes. Equipped with all the comfort and hospitality of a 1950's cabin in the mountains. I have a oil-burning lamp, a rocking chair, and a small black-and-white television to watch the world from. I feel like my mind's rusting. Like the titanic at the bottom of the sea, an old and water-logged machine too broken and covered in feet of rust to be of any use.
A comic I read today said "You never trust them as much as you do the first time." That's what has me so introspective tonight. It's true. I trusted Elora's every word and action with every fiber of my being because for the first time I felt loved by someone. I felt wanted and when she threw me out of her life I felt completely alone. Completely betrayed and vulnerable and questioning my own worth. Why was I the one that wasn't needed and could be thrown out? Why was I the one who deserved this? That's the kind of shit that you think about and if you don't get yourself in a right head space it can only go south. And for me it did. And is still does and I can't figure out why.
A day doesn't go by that I don't think about Elora. Not out of fondness. I just keep thinking about why it went wrong. Why it still hurts. When it's your first you always hope and pray and fight for it to be the right one. And I guess I'm still hung up on that. I still wish sometimes that she had been the right one. Because now there is that never-ending doubt that this one isn't either. That the next one won't be, or the next. Because the first one was so wrong I have trouble thinking any of the others will be any better. I think I love Samm. I never get tired of her company and she always makes me laugh but when she's gone I don't really miss her. I guess what I'm feeling is emotional independance in that when she's gone I'm not saddened and therefore yearn for her presence.
When I'm with her I feel alone. It's impossible to phrase it any other way than that. She's a very animated and lively and happy and wonderful person and I enjoy her company, as I've said, but I still feel alone. I think part of this is the overwhelmingly negative effect her parents have on me. They're easily the nastiest, most vile people I've ever met and every time I'm around them I just shut off emotionally. Unfortunately this is also pretty much the only time I can see Samm, so I have to wonder if the negativity of her parents confuse my emotions into feeling the way I do about Samm right now.