Contradictory feelings are so annoying.
So this is my livejournal and my second entry and it's mainly for my personal thoughts, because not everyone in the world can view it.
I'm virtually confused. A part of me wants to run free, while the other is compelled to sulk. I'm not a sulking kind of person. I hate when people sulk. You should hold it in and not spread the mood further. That's the only thing that annoys me: when one person sulks, then it's like a very contagious plague. People soak up that bad mood, and then everyone's aggressive and hateful. There are annoying people in this world that people openly acknowledge, but I don't, and sometimes I'm afraid this is my 'well i don't want anyone to hate me' thing, but I can honestly say that I'm almost polar opposite from the people I hang out with. Mostly. There are times when 'evil Rachel' comes out. I don't know how to explain it. I think there should be honesty among us, but good God, there are boundaries. That's one thing my parents taught me with more strictness than most aspects in raising me and my syblings: tolerence. My mom would freaking backhand me if i wasn't tolerent. ok, that's exaggerated, but u get my drift. Everyone has a right to their own life as long as it does not harm another. Perspective is so important. Noticing other people's miseries makes u back off just a little before you say something about them that you'll regret in a week when it gets back to you.
Anyway, i'm ranting, because I can and no one really reads this anyway. so who the hell cares? not i. I will rant some more. or rather, just ramble: I'm not sure whether I like the truth or not. In the long run, yes, obviously. I want it upfront and right away, the longer you hesitate, the harder it will be to say anything, and the worse the situation will be. Neglect is the cruelest thing ever, because then you think you're unloved, and that is the worst feeling ever. See, you know your parents love you, (at least i hope they do...), but that's given, you want to know that others love you, and then you get betrayed and beat up and you hide away and more than anything you want that closeness, but how do you get it when you're so hidden from the world? You don't, and that misery feeds on itself, and you become a miserable little fool in your cage of nothingness feeding on that misery and hoping that a miracle will happen to save you from it, when you're the only one with the key to get out of there and everyone's just gawking at you with pity.
It's funny how we all want to belong, but we also want to be individuals, and at the same time be able to relate to one another. That's why people love stories and movies. The good ones we can relate to. I'm going to give an awful example: Titanic. I don't know how many times I've heard that movie put down cuz of how horrible it was, but the simple truth to it is that A,L0T,000 of people went to that movie. Why? Because it was about spontaneous love, which is the best kind. If that was a true story, that would just suck. It's like, "Here Rose, I give you the best thing you will ever ever get in your entire life...but only for three days!" Of course the whole point of it was she actually went out to live her life. anyway. enough with the 'awful' examples. Back to what I was saying. It feels great to be an individual. If you're an 'out-there' person, you're individual. And if you're loud and individual, then you will have followers who will try to mimic you, and you will hate it, but possibly be flattered, because you want to be individual and they're stealing you from you.
Irony: Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.
Scrutiny: A close, careful examination or study.
In a sentence: In my scrutiny, I find irony. Simply put, but pretty damn vague, I know. Lately I've been scrutinizing, and it's easy for me to see the logic that most of you don't, but then I scrutinize myself and I cannot be so critical or I am a definite hypocritical asshole. The most interesting aspect of scrutinization is the irony, and you can only see the irony if you realize the pains that person is feeling, and for yourself, it's really easy, because you feel your own emotion. The only problem is admitting the logic which is so clearly in front of you and you constantly deny. Scrutiny of my own situation has driven me mad...but not to the point where I will snap, not yet. If you scrutinize something too much, it will have an awful effect upon you. Finding balance between logic and emotion is like walking a rope.
Deciding what you want is even harder, because it's not really a decision. You must know yourself and become aware of your surroundings and yourself before you even have an inkling of what you truly want. Searching for what you're trying to find in life, (yes you are searching for a search...) is searching for who you are in the dark with no lamp in a forest. Wouldn't you be inclined to go towards a light if you saw it? The light is the easy way out, and in this instance, represents the easy way out. In the instance of college it would be a Business degree. You might as well, since you don't know what you want and you know you can make money in business. Business is business. I used to dedicate myself to my writing. Then I got a job. School became more serious. I became a martial artist. Music became a bigger part of my life then I would have thought. The thing is, every black belt instructor, every teacher, every musician I've met, and all of my managers expect me to be committed 100% to all of these, and I am truly, but there's a difference between focusing on one thing and committing to it vs. a number of committments. I love all of these things, (well...work is work, but it's for $ so i survive.) I get so confused. And this is not just about my commitments and my dream to become a writer. This is about life and instictive feelings that take you by surprise. Most of these insticts come about unexpectedly, so it does not really matter what you're planning for the future, as long as you don't get too far ahead of yourself then you can end up in the place you want to. If you plan too far ahead, I think you'll be too afraid to take chances and just DO SOMETHING!
I analyze what I'm doing too much, to the point where I sometimes don't act instictively, and I wish I would more, not too much, or else I would be self-destructive. Sometimes I have to pretend like I'm not me, and then step outside of myself, and look at my way of life. Do I even like it? I'll tell you where the irony in scrutiny is. It's in the contradiction of logic on emotion. Logically I know what I should do, but emotionally it's not going to work that way. And you get frustrated. But that's the way life is...I guess...I'm insane.
Later. I have to study. I'm impressed you've made it this far though! Comment. I'll be excited.
I'm virtually confused. A part of me wants to run free, while the other is compelled to sulk. I'm not a sulking kind of person. I hate when people sulk. You should hold it in and not spread the mood further. That's the only thing that annoys me: when one person sulks, then it's like a very contagious plague. People soak up that bad mood, and then everyone's aggressive and hateful. There are annoying people in this world that people openly acknowledge, but I don't, and sometimes I'm afraid this is my 'well i don't want anyone to hate me' thing, but I can honestly say that I'm almost polar opposite from the people I hang out with. Mostly. There are times when 'evil Rachel' comes out. I don't know how to explain it. I think there should be honesty among us, but good God, there are boundaries. That's one thing my parents taught me with more strictness than most aspects in raising me and my syblings: tolerence. My mom would freaking backhand me if i wasn't tolerent. ok, that's exaggerated, but u get my drift. Everyone has a right to their own life as long as it does not harm another. Perspective is so important. Noticing other people's miseries makes u back off just a little before you say something about them that you'll regret in a week when it gets back to you.
Anyway, i'm ranting, because I can and no one really reads this anyway. so who the hell cares? not i. I will rant some more. or rather, just ramble: I'm not sure whether I like the truth or not. In the long run, yes, obviously. I want it upfront and right away, the longer you hesitate, the harder it will be to say anything, and the worse the situation will be. Neglect is the cruelest thing ever, because then you think you're unloved, and that is the worst feeling ever. See, you know your parents love you, (at least i hope they do...), but that's given, you want to know that others love you, and then you get betrayed and beat up and you hide away and more than anything you want that closeness, but how do you get it when you're so hidden from the world? You don't, and that misery feeds on itself, and you become a miserable little fool in your cage of nothingness feeding on that misery and hoping that a miracle will happen to save you from it, when you're the only one with the key to get out of there and everyone's just gawking at you with pity.
It's funny how we all want to belong, but we also want to be individuals, and at the same time be able to relate to one another. That's why people love stories and movies. The good ones we can relate to. I'm going to give an awful example: Titanic. I don't know how many times I've heard that movie put down cuz of how horrible it was, but the simple truth to it is that A,L0T,000 of people went to that movie. Why? Because it was about spontaneous love, which is the best kind. If that was a true story, that would just suck. It's like, "Here Rose, I give you the best thing you will ever ever get in your entire life...but only for three days!" Of course the whole point of it was she actually went out to live her life. anyway. enough with the 'awful' examples. Back to what I was saying. It feels great to be an individual. If you're an 'out-there' person, you're individual. And if you're loud and individual, then you will have followers who will try to mimic you, and you will hate it, but possibly be flattered, because you want to be individual and they're stealing you from you.
Irony: Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.
Scrutiny: A close, careful examination or study.
In a sentence: In my scrutiny, I find irony. Simply put, but pretty damn vague, I know. Lately I've been scrutinizing, and it's easy for me to see the logic that most of you don't, but then I scrutinize myself and I cannot be so critical or I am a definite hypocritical asshole. The most interesting aspect of scrutinization is the irony, and you can only see the irony if you realize the pains that person is feeling, and for yourself, it's really easy, because you feel your own emotion. The only problem is admitting the logic which is so clearly in front of you and you constantly deny. Scrutiny of my own situation has driven me mad...but not to the point where I will snap, not yet. If you scrutinize something too much, it will have an awful effect upon you. Finding balance between logic and emotion is like walking a rope.
Deciding what you want is even harder, because it's not really a decision. You must know yourself and become aware of your surroundings and yourself before you even have an inkling of what you truly want. Searching for what you're trying to find in life, (yes you are searching for a search...) is searching for who you are in the dark with no lamp in a forest. Wouldn't you be inclined to go towards a light if you saw it? The light is the easy way out, and in this instance, represents the easy way out. In the instance of college it would be a Business degree. You might as well, since you don't know what you want and you know you can make money in business. Business is business. I used to dedicate myself to my writing. Then I got a job. School became more serious. I became a martial artist. Music became a bigger part of my life then I would have thought. The thing is, every black belt instructor, every teacher, every musician I've met, and all of my managers expect me to be committed 100% to all of these, and I am truly, but there's a difference between focusing on one thing and committing to it vs. a number of committments. I love all of these things, (well...work is work, but it's for $ so i survive.) I get so confused. And this is not just about my commitments and my dream to become a writer. This is about life and instictive feelings that take you by surprise. Most of these insticts come about unexpectedly, so it does not really matter what you're planning for the future, as long as you don't get too far ahead of yourself then you can end up in the place you want to. If you plan too far ahead, I think you'll be too afraid to take chances and just DO SOMETHING!
I analyze what I'm doing too much, to the point where I sometimes don't act instictively, and I wish I would more, not too much, or else I would be self-destructive. Sometimes I have to pretend like I'm not me, and then step outside of myself, and look at my way of life. Do I even like it? I'll tell you where the irony in scrutiny is. It's in the contradiction of logic on emotion. Logically I know what I should do, but emotionally it's not going to work that way. And you get frustrated. But that's the way life is...I guess...I'm insane.
Later. I have to study. I'm impressed you've made it this far though! Comment. I'll be excited.