2012 Illusion Mesh Trainwreck Awards
Welcome to the 2012 Illusion Mesh Trainwreck Awards! This is the first of three sets of awards I give annually to the best, worst, and most flamboyant figure skating costumes of the season. It's the sixth consecutive year I've given these awards, and this year, I almost forgot. Many thanks to the anon who hunted me down on Formspring and reminded me!
All three sets of awards have some basic eligibility rules. Any skater who has competed in one or more senior Grand Prix events may be considered, and only competitive costumes are eligible. That means no juniors, no exhibition or show numbers, and no "senior B" events. Skaters in all four disciplines are eligible in all three categories, and skaters can win multiple awards for different costumes. For ice dance and pairs, I consider both skaters' costumes and how they look together as well as individually.
Today, I'll be highlighting the horrors: the worst costumes of the 2012-13 season. While I'm particularly sensitive to abuses of illusion mesh (the stretchy flesh-tone fabric used for tights and inserts), I also care about how the costume fits, flatters the body, suits the program theme, and contrasts with the ice.
Honorable mentions
Elena Glebova (Estonia), ladies' singles, United States International Figure Skating Classic free skate (also worn at Trophee Eric Bompard)
Brian Joubert wants his dress back. Also his headband. Also his plague of crotch issues.
Lindsay Davis & Mark Ladwig (USA), pairs, NHK Trophy free skate
Help! My costume is melting! Both are ill-fitting and out of fashion, and her white clashes with his gray. The contours of Davis's dress make her look heavy instead of muscular, and her breasts seem to be bunched halfway down her torso.
Alena Leonova (Russia), ladies' singles, Rostelecom Cup short program
If you guessed this was for a Bollywood program, you're way ahead of common sense and common decency. Culturally insensitive bronzer aside, this green is a horrible color on her. It's also too big, so it's riding up in the middle, and her right breast is on the verge of breaking free.
Agnes Zawadzki (USA), ladies' singles, NHK Trophy short program
My problem with this actually isn't the egregious overuse of illusion mesh, although that's awful, especially since her midsection, tights, and face are all different shades of beige. It's not even that this looks like something Mao Asada wore a couple of years ago. It's that this dress looks like hastily-constructed, poorly-altered cheap fabric even though it's an intricate design.
Kaitlyn Weaver & Andrew Poje (Canada), ice dance, Skate America free dance
It's as if they challenged themselves to make one of the prettiest women in figure skating look ugly. There must be ways to do "living statue" without making the skater look like she's been spray-painted with dryer lint. On the other hand, Poje looks stripper-rifically delicious in his shiny white shirt, as if he's shown up from some other saner, lower-concept free dance.
Ksenia Makarova (Russia), ladies' singles, NHK Trophy free skate
Is there a reason her right armpit needs to be open to the wind? The top might look cool if it were an actual shirt and not cropped so high, but for a figure skating costume, it just looks underdesigned. Meanwhile, she's wearing the gauntlet from Witchblade on her right arm.
Takahito Mura (Japan), men's singles, Trophee Eric Bompard free skate
Mura's free skate at TEB was a revelation, but this bizarre, busy outfit distracted from its beauty. Not only do the patterns clash, but they make him look like a top-heavy, short-limbed representative of the Romulan Empire. Mura also serves as one of this season's many excellent arguments against putting men in velvet pants.
Bronze Medal
Mao Asada (Japan), ladies' singles, NHK Trophy short program
This year's entry into "What the hell is Mao Asada wearing, and why?" involves strips of chewed bubble gum layered over a Klingon sash. Her tights and her illusion mesh long sleeves are different colors from each other and also different from her skin tone. The sloppy ponytail makes her look like she forgot to do her hair. At least she looks happy.
Silver Medal
Madison Chock & Evan Bates (USA), ice dance, Cup of China short dance
Some costumes provoke nothing but unanswered questions. Why is Chock's entire left side fake-naked except for a purple clamshell over her breast? Why is Bates wearing a skirt, and why does it match his patterned lapels? Why is Chock's neck ruffle attempting to swallow her face? Why, if you're going to wear costumes this ridiculous, can't you go to the trouble of making them look like they belong in the same program?
Gold Medal
Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir (Canada), ice dance, Skate Canada free dance
Virtue's dress is ostentatiously hideous: the low V-neck is vulgar and flattens her chest, the crotch-level flower forces the eye where it doesn't want to go, and the single red fingernail is a big F-bomb in the direction of making these costumes relate in any way to Carmen. But Moir's quieter crime bugs me more: there's a growing trend towards male skaters performing in what looks like practice gear, and it takes away from the narrative of a program. Put on some sparkles and suck it up, boys.
All three sets of awards have some basic eligibility rules. Any skater who has competed in one or more senior Grand Prix events may be considered, and only competitive costumes are eligible. That means no juniors, no exhibition or show numbers, and no "senior B" events. Skaters in all four disciplines are eligible in all three categories, and skaters can win multiple awards for different costumes. For ice dance and pairs, I consider both skaters' costumes and how they look together as well as individually.
Today, I'll be highlighting the horrors: the worst costumes of the 2012-13 season. While I'm particularly sensitive to abuses of illusion mesh (the stretchy flesh-tone fabric used for tights and inserts), I also care about how the costume fits, flatters the body, suits the program theme, and contrasts with the ice.
Honorable mentions
Elena Glebova (Estonia), ladies' singles, United States International Figure Skating Classic free skate (also worn at Trophee Eric Bompard)
Brian Joubert wants his dress back. Also his headband. Also his plague of crotch issues.
Lindsay Davis & Mark Ladwig (USA), pairs, NHK Trophy free skate
Help! My costume is melting! Both are ill-fitting and out of fashion, and her white clashes with his gray. The contours of Davis's dress make her look heavy instead of muscular, and her breasts seem to be bunched halfway down her torso.
Alena Leonova (Russia), ladies' singles, Rostelecom Cup short program
If you guessed this was for a Bollywood program, you're way ahead of common sense and common decency. Culturally insensitive bronzer aside, this green is a horrible color on her. It's also too big, so it's riding up in the middle, and her right breast is on the verge of breaking free.
Agnes Zawadzki (USA), ladies' singles, NHK Trophy short program
My problem with this actually isn't the egregious overuse of illusion mesh, although that's awful, especially since her midsection, tights, and face are all different shades of beige. It's not even that this looks like something Mao Asada wore a couple of years ago. It's that this dress looks like hastily-constructed, poorly-altered cheap fabric even though it's an intricate design.
Kaitlyn Weaver & Andrew Poje (Canada), ice dance, Skate America free dance
It's as if they challenged themselves to make one of the prettiest women in figure skating look ugly. There must be ways to do "living statue" without making the skater look like she's been spray-painted with dryer lint. On the other hand, Poje looks stripper-rifically delicious in his shiny white shirt, as if he's shown up from some other saner, lower-concept free dance.
Ksenia Makarova (Russia), ladies' singles, NHK Trophy free skate
Is there a reason her right armpit needs to be open to the wind? The top might look cool if it were an actual shirt and not cropped so high, but for a figure skating costume, it just looks underdesigned. Meanwhile, she's wearing the gauntlet from Witchblade on her right arm.
Takahito Mura (Japan), men's singles, Trophee Eric Bompard free skate
Mura's free skate at TEB was a revelation, but this bizarre, busy outfit distracted from its beauty. Not only do the patterns clash, but they make him look like a top-heavy, short-limbed representative of the Romulan Empire. Mura also serves as one of this season's many excellent arguments against putting men in velvet pants.
Bronze Medal
Mao Asada (Japan), ladies' singles, NHK Trophy short program
This year's entry into "What the hell is Mao Asada wearing, and why?" involves strips of chewed bubble gum layered over a Klingon sash. Her tights and her illusion mesh long sleeves are different colors from each other and also different from her skin tone. The sloppy ponytail makes her look like she forgot to do her hair. At least she looks happy.
Silver Medal
Madison Chock & Evan Bates (USA), ice dance, Cup of China short dance
Some costumes provoke nothing but unanswered questions. Why is Chock's entire left side fake-naked except for a purple clamshell over her breast? Why is Bates wearing a skirt, and why does it match his patterned lapels? Why is Chock's neck ruffle attempting to swallow her face? Why, if you're going to wear costumes this ridiculous, can't you go to the trouble of making them look like they belong in the same program?
Gold Medal
Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir (Canada), ice dance, Skate Canada free dance
Virtue's dress is ostentatiously hideous: the low V-neck is vulgar and flattens her chest, the crotch-level flower forces the eye where it doesn't want to go, and the single red fingernail is a big F-bomb in the direction of making these costumes relate in any way to Carmen. But Moir's quieter crime bugs me more: there's a growing trend towards male skaters performing in what looks like practice gear, and it takes away from the narrative of a program. Put on some sparkles and suck it up, boys.