The 2008 Gayest Costumes in Figure Skating Awards.
Here's the one everybody's been waiting for: the gay costume awards. The first time I did this, in 2006, I was pretty much kidding, but the concept has snowballed and is now apparently a requirement. Only men's singles skaters are eligible for the awards, because skating with a girl automatically makes you look 43% less gay. Starting last year, I decided that only competitive programs by senior men are eligible. (If I were including juniors, Florent Amodio's LP costume would be a lock; exhibition programs would have brought in Lysacek's drag king nightmare of a Michael Jackson costume and the Sparkly Gay Jesus thing Johnny Weir wears for "Ave Maria.") As I note every year, this is not a commentary on the actual personal lives of the skaters. It is also not a value judgment: I like some of these costumes. But every one of them makes the skater look gay as hell.
Many thanks to annavtree for the beta on this.
Honorable mentions:
Ryan Bradley (USA), Free Skate
How to win a free ticket to the GCAs: proclaim your heterosexuality loudly in the Kiss & Cry. Or wear a costume that shows off an overly generous triangle of your pasty, hairless chest.
Yannick Ponsero (FRA), Short Program
Mostly, this is awful in a very butch way. No self-respecting homosexual has worn an airbrusthed t-shirt since 1993. But the one silver rhinestone glove puts this on the list.
Brandon Mroz (USA), Free Skate
When AIDS-awareness ribbons attack. And really, if you want to keep your sanity, don't look at his crotch in this photo.
Johnny Weir (USA), Free Skate
The rhinestone cross: fabulously kitschy. The wraps around the middle: tummy-minimizing. The little skirt: dragalicious. But that illusion mesh neckline, darling? Someone's been spending too much time on the tanning bed.
Evan Lysacek (USA), Free Skate
Plenty has been said about this one, of which Rhinestone Penguin is perhaps the most eloquent summary. Also reminds me of the Gay Cater Waiter Hoedown in Jeffrey.
Vladimir Uspenski, Free Skate
Pretty much all I have to say about this one is, it also made the semi-final list for Illusion Mesh Trainwrecks.
Kevin Reynolds (CAN), Free Skate
Help! He's being slowly suffocated by vines and Spandex! Perhaps it is some sort of Canadian sexual kink.
Takahito Mura (JPN), Free Skate
It's a gold lamé pantsuit. Write your own joke.
Bronze Medal:
Jeremy Abbott (USA), Short Program
Proof that pigs will fly if their princessy little sleeves are puffy enough. Call it what you want - ass flag, dust ruffle, butt flounce - that weird little piece of fabric only draws attention to the extraordinary tush-hugging properties of those pants.
Silver Medal:
Adam Rippon (USA), Free Skate
How do you out-gay Johnny Weir at his own game? Start with a bleeding heart over your chest, add some very crotchy purple leggings, and finish it off with sheer fabric all the way down to your knee. I see a bright future for this one.
Gold Medal:
Brian Joubert (FRA), Short Program
Every season, at least one skater tries to use his costumes to prove how straight he is, but never before has one so strongly evoked a Tom of Finland drawing. The Indian-themed Free Skate suggests that he is trying to see how many Village People he can portray this year. Not visible from this photograph: the back, which is black fishnet over bare skin, revealing every articulation of his back muscles. Brian, honey, if you want the boys to stop hitting on you, you need to stop dressing like a treeful of leather daddies. On the other hand, I'm sure Brian would be pleased to know he's won something this season.
Fine print: pictures from David W. Carmichael and Reuters.
Many thanks to annavtree for the beta on this.
Honorable mentions:
Ryan Bradley (USA), Free Skate
How to win a free ticket to the GCAs: proclaim your heterosexuality loudly in the Kiss & Cry. Or wear a costume that shows off an overly generous triangle of your pasty, hairless chest.
Yannick Ponsero (FRA), Short Program
Mostly, this is awful in a very butch way. No self-respecting homosexual has worn an airbrusthed t-shirt since 1993. But the one silver rhinestone glove puts this on the list.
Brandon Mroz (USA), Free Skate
When AIDS-awareness ribbons attack. And really, if you want to keep your sanity, don't look at his crotch in this photo.
Johnny Weir (USA), Free Skate
The rhinestone cross: fabulously kitschy. The wraps around the middle: tummy-minimizing. The little skirt: dragalicious. But that illusion mesh neckline, darling? Someone's been spending too much time on the tanning bed.
Evan Lysacek (USA), Free Skate
Plenty has been said about this one, of which Rhinestone Penguin is perhaps the most eloquent summary. Also reminds me of the Gay Cater Waiter Hoedown in Jeffrey.
Vladimir Uspenski, Free Skate
Pretty much all I have to say about this one is, it also made the semi-final list for Illusion Mesh Trainwrecks.
Kevin Reynolds (CAN), Free Skate
Help! He's being slowly suffocated by vines and Spandex! Perhaps it is some sort of Canadian sexual kink.
Takahito Mura (JPN), Free Skate
It's a gold lamé pantsuit. Write your own joke.
Bronze Medal:
Jeremy Abbott (USA), Short Program
Proof that pigs will fly if their princessy little sleeves are puffy enough. Call it what you want - ass flag, dust ruffle, butt flounce - that weird little piece of fabric only draws attention to the extraordinary tush-hugging properties of those pants.
Silver Medal:
Adam Rippon (USA), Free Skate
How do you out-gay Johnny Weir at his own game? Start with a bleeding heart over your chest, add some very crotchy purple leggings, and finish it off with sheer fabric all the way down to your knee. I see a bright future for this one.
Gold Medal:
Brian Joubert (FRA), Short Program
Every season, at least one skater tries to use his costumes to prove how straight he is, but never before has one so strongly evoked a Tom of Finland drawing. The Indian-themed Free Skate suggests that he is trying to see how many Village People he can portray this year. Not visible from this photograph: the back, which is black fishnet over bare skin, revealing every articulation of his back muscles. Brian, honey, if you want the boys to stop hitting on you, you need to stop dressing like a treeful of leather daddies. On the other hand, I'm sure Brian would be pleased to know he's won something this season.
Fine print: pictures from David W. Carmichael and Reuters.