Suicide is a tried and tested formula for release
No more a victim of crusade
Where souls are strung from moral palisades
I slit my wrists and quickly slip away...
I am so fucking tired all the time. Wonder why? Worked 9 hours yesterday on 3 hours sleep. Worked 9 hours today on like..... 6 hours. Not bad..... but god, we were fucking busy all day yesterday, and today. Usually, it's busy all day, but then slows down at nite.... it was fucking crazy all day, up until I left.
Pauletta was supposed to work yesterday, but came in late, and thus, was suspended. Yesterday and today. Pure hell.
Y'know, it's not the actual customers I mind.... I don't think. It's these fucking mental problems. I refuse to label myself, but I've been told it's social anxiety.
It's like.... I feel fine when I'm alone.... or stocking shelves.... or doing anything besides being on the register..... but put me on the register.... around customers..... talking.... ugh.
I'm always fine through the first.... eh..... five people or so. No big deal. But after the whole "hi, how are you", "sure is cold outside", "want bags", "have a nice day/nite" thing repeats itself, that's when it starts. And it goes from 0 to 90 in a matter of seconds.
1) Stomach starts knotting up, like I'm about to puke.
2) Have to go piss. Bad. Feels like it's about to go any second.
3) Have to go shit. Bad. Feels like it's about to go any second.
4) Vision gets blurry, and I can only see color..... not actual things.... if that makes sense.
When I can finally get off the register, I run to the bathroom..... I feel like I'm about to explode..... but I piss like... three drops.
Go back to the register...... and repeat the last 3 paragraphs. All fucking day. But this only happens when I'm on the register, never when I'm stocking. Never when I'm 'home'. Go in any crowded stores.... see above, it happens.
I'm looking for a new job, some kinda construction shit or something, where I don't have to be around people. This is fucking insane.
Yesterday, I was actually doing OK.... it wasn't happening, and I had been on the register for 20 minutes.... wow. But then some old man fucked it all up. He was shaking really bad, and breathing really hard... I asked him if he was OK, and he said no... I asked if he wanted me to call an ambulance for him, and he said (these words won't leave my head) "No, it's OK. The doctor said I only have six weeks to live anyway".
Now, I'm not normally Mr. Sensitive..... but this just hit me like a fucking bullet. Seeing this man, and how bad of shape he was in.... coming in to the store for banana's and milk. Obviously, he had nobody that cared enough for him to come do this for him... and then hearing him say that.
And if that wasn't enough.... later on, in the same fucking day, same fucking shift.... I went outside to pull all the fucking carts in... and this little old lady trips and falls on the sidewalk...... I run over to her, and help her up.... she's got a chunk of skin missing in her hand, and palm..... her chin is literally gushing blood..... pretty bad scratches on her cheek.... I told her to come in the store with me, and I would call her an ambulance.... she refused, said she was OK..... she was more worried about having ruined the sweater her son gave her. I told her, at the VERY least, to come in the store and I'd get her some gauze.... she said no, she couldn't afford it. I told her don't worry about it, she doesn't have to pay... nope. I told her once again, let me call an ambulance..... she might have hurt herself internally, or fucked up a bone, and not know it. Nope. She just went into Eckerds, and assumedly, got her prescriptions filled.
My great-grandmother died shortly after a similar fall.
I was a fucking wreck all day yesterday.
I went off on Jeanna this morning because I dropped a fucking tomato.
I'm fucking losing it.
Nothing brings me joy anymore. Nothing.
I used to have all kinds of diversions to life.
Download music videos..... watch..... enjoy..... totally boring now.
Music...... can't get into it, just sounds like noise.
I can't even bear to see my daughter, or think about her anymore. I try to play with her, and laugh with her, because I know she needs daddy's love now, and I don't want to deprive her of a single fucking second of that..... lord knows she deserves it. But everytime I'm with her, or even talk about her.... I just think of how fucked up this situation is, how fucked up freddy and sue are treating her..... how fucking sick she is. She's got really bad respiratory problems now. All because they fucking refuse to quit smoking around her, and get rid of those fucking cats. Even my grandmother, freddys mother, says we NEED to get her out of there.
Toys in the attic.
Where souls are strung from moral palisades
I slit my wrists and quickly slip away...
I am so fucking tired all the time. Wonder why? Worked 9 hours yesterday on 3 hours sleep. Worked 9 hours today on like..... 6 hours. Not bad..... but god, we were fucking busy all day yesterday, and today. Usually, it's busy all day, but then slows down at nite.... it was fucking crazy all day, up until I left.
Pauletta was supposed to work yesterday, but came in late, and thus, was suspended. Yesterday and today. Pure hell.
Y'know, it's not the actual customers I mind.... I don't think. It's these fucking mental problems. I refuse to label myself, but I've been told it's social anxiety.
It's like.... I feel fine when I'm alone.... or stocking shelves.... or doing anything besides being on the register..... but put me on the register.... around customers..... talking.... ugh.
I'm always fine through the first.... eh..... five people or so. No big deal. But after the whole "hi, how are you", "sure is cold outside", "want bags", "have a nice day/nite" thing repeats itself, that's when it starts. And it goes from 0 to 90 in a matter of seconds.
1) Stomach starts knotting up, like I'm about to puke.
2) Have to go piss. Bad. Feels like it's about to go any second.
3) Have to go shit. Bad. Feels like it's about to go any second.
4) Vision gets blurry, and I can only see color..... not actual things.... if that makes sense.
When I can finally get off the register, I run to the bathroom..... I feel like I'm about to explode..... but I piss like... three drops.
Go back to the register...... and repeat the last 3 paragraphs. All fucking day. But this only happens when I'm on the register, never when I'm stocking. Never when I'm 'home'. Go in any crowded stores.... see above, it happens.
I'm looking for a new job, some kinda construction shit or something, where I don't have to be around people. This is fucking insane.
Yesterday, I was actually doing OK.... it wasn't happening, and I had been on the register for 20 minutes.... wow. But then some old man fucked it all up. He was shaking really bad, and breathing really hard... I asked him if he was OK, and he said no... I asked if he wanted me to call an ambulance for him, and he said (these words won't leave my head) "No, it's OK. The doctor said I only have six weeks to live anyway".
Now, I'm not normally Mr. Sensitive..... but this just hit me like a fucking bullet. Seeing this man, and how bad of shape he was in.... coming in to the store for banana's and milk. Obviously, he had nobody that cared enough for him to come do this for him... and then hearing him say that.
And if that wasn't enough.... later on, in the same fucking day, same fucking shift.... I went outside to pull all the fucking carts in... and this little old lady trips and falls on the sidewalk...... I run over to her, and help her up.... she's got a chunk of skin missing in her hand, and palm..... her chin is literally gushing blood..... pretty bad scratches on her cheek.... I told her to come in the store with me, and I would call her an ambulance.... she refused, said she was OK..... she was more worried about having ruined the sweater her son gave her. I told her, at the VERY least, to come in the store and I'd get her some gauze.... she said no, she couldn't afford it. I told her don't worry about it, she doesn't have to pay... nope. I told her once again, let me call an ambulance..... she might have hurt herself internally, or fucked up a bone, and not know it. Nope. She just went into Eckerds, and assumedly, got her prescriptions filled.
My great-grandmother died shortly after a similar fall.
I was a fucking wreck all day yesterday.
I went off on Jeanna this morning because I dropped a fucking tomato.
I'm fucking losing it.
Nothing brings me joy anymore. Nothing.
I used to have all kinds of diversions to life.
Download music videos..... watch..... enjoy..... totally boring now.
Music...... can't get into it, just sounds like noise.
I can't even bear to see my daughter, or think about her anymore. I try to play with her, and laugh with her, because I know she needs daddy's love now, and I don't want to deprive her of a single fucking second of that..... lord knows she deserves it. But everytime I'm with her, or even talk about her.... I just think of how fucked up this situation is, how fucked up freddy and sue are treating her..... how fucking sick she is. She's got really bad respiratory problems now. All because they fucking refuse to quit smoking around her, and get rid of those fucking cats. Even my grandmother, freddys mother, says we NEED to get her out of there.
Toys in the attic.