Bzzzt
Night Of The Uncle, Part 398,352,983,029
At first, it went along as any other night with him in my presence would go. He annoyed the piss out of me with his inane ramblings. Topics of discussion included:
1. Sarah Brightman - Apparently, he purchased a DVD of this singer giving a live performance, and was quite disappointed to find out that they dared show shots of the crowd attending the concert. "She's so beautiful, they shouldn't take the camera off of her for a second." Now, this wasn't a weak joke or anything of the sort... he was deadly serious, and claims that this ruined the entire DVD for him.
2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer / Angel - He spent a shitload of cash to obtain every season of both shows on DVD. Just mentioning this wouldn't have been so bad, but along with the lone mention came a thirty-minute speech on how hot the characters are, how their hotness made him cry, how he's sad that he can't get laid, how he wants to go meet (some chick) from the show, etc etc. I do believe that he got the point when I turned on some good ol' Del The Funky Homosapien to drown him out.
3. Sin City - It sure does suck that he can't get a ride to Salisbury to see this in theaters, because watching it on DVD will ruin the whole experience for him. This discussion lasted another twenty minutes.
4. Internet - Same story that's been told before... he needs to get phone service setup so that he can get on teh intraweb from home instead of having to go to the library. At the library, you see, they have filters in place to block out the "adult Buffy fan-fiction", stuff that he really wants to read.
5. PayPal - After winning a copy of "Fight Club" (the book, $5) and a signed photograph of (some actress, $20), he couldn't log into PayPal because his password was wrong. Upon having his password sent to him, he found that it was only six characters while PayPal requires passwords to be eight characters. Since the six-digit one that they reset it to wasn't long enough, he couldn't log in. Since he couldn't log in, he couldn't change the password. Now, he wants to hand me the cash tomorrow and have me pay through my PayPal account.
The above are all typical examples of a night ruined by the uncle. However, it was item number six that prompted me to start typing away.
Number Sic Six Sex - Somebody broke into his house through the hole in the wall where an air conditioner once stood. Whomever broke in stole a stun-gun, a machete, a sword, and a handgun. Have I ever mentioned that uncle is a paranoid, weapon-stashing nut? Now, the first three on that list wouldn't be so bad to have stolen... but a handgun?
What'd the cops say?
Nothing, I didn't call them.
Why not?
They wouldn't do anything, and I'm scared of what they might see in my house. (Uncle has a fear of pigs for some reason)
You did purchase that gun legally, didn't you?
Yep.
So, it's registered in your name, correct?
Yep.
And the serial number points to your name, your address, your SSN....?
Yep.
So then, if whomever stole it shot someone with it, and the police track the serial number on the gun, it's going to come back to you...
Well, I guess I'll get what I've got coming to me.
I don't think anything will ever top this uncle story.
At first, it went along as any other night with him in my presence would go. He annoyed the piss out of me with his inane ramblings. Topics of discussion included:
1. Sarah Brightman - Apparently, he purchased a DVD of this singer giving a live performance, and was quite disappointed to find out that they dared show shots of the crowd attending the concert. "She's so beautiful, they shouldn't take the camera off of her for a second." Now, this wasn't a weak joke or anything of the sort... he was deadly serious, and claims that this ruined the entire DVD for him.
2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer / Angel - He spent a shitload of cash to obtain every season of both shows on DVD. Just mentioning this wouldn't have been so bad, but along with the lone mention came a thirty-minute speech on how hot the characters are, how their hotness made him cry, how he's sad that he can't get laid, how he wants to go meet (some chick) from the show, etc etc. I do believe that he got the point when I turned on some good ol' Del The Funky Homosapien to drown him out.
3. Sin City - It sure does suck that he can't get a ride to Salisbury to see this in theaters, because watching it on DVD will ruin the whole experience for him. This discussion lasted another twenty minutes.
4. Internet - Same story that's been told before... he needs to get phone service setup so that he can get on teh intraweb from home instead of having to go to the library. At the library, you see, they have filters in place to block out the "adult Buffy fan-fiction", stuff that he really wants to read.
5. PayPal - After winning a copy of "Fight Club" (the book, $5) and a signed photograph of (some actress, $20), he couldn't log into PayPal because his password was wrong. Upon having his password sent to him, he found that it was only six characters while PayPal requires passwords to be eight characters. Since the six-digit one that they reset it to wasn't long enough, he couldn't log in. Since he couldn't log in, he couldn't change the password. Now, he wants to hand me the cash tomorrow and have me pay through my PayPal account.
The above are all typical examples of a night ruined by the uncle. However, it was item number six that prompted me to start typing away.
Number Sic Six Sex - Somebody broke into his house through the hole in the wall where an air conditioner once stood. Whomever broke in stole a stun-gun, a machete, a sword, and a handgun. Have I ever mentioned that uncle is a paranoid, weapon-stashing nut? Now, the first three on that list wouldn't be so bad to have stolen... but a handgun?
What'd the cops say?
Nothing, I didn't call them.
Why not?
They wouldn't do anything, and I'm scared of what they might see in my house. (Uncle has a fear of pigs for some reason)
You did purchase that gun legally, didn't you?
Yep.
So, it's registered in your name, correct?
Yep.
And the serial number points to your name, your address, your SSN....?
Yep.
So then, if whomever stole it shot someone with it, and the police track the serial number on the gun, it's going to come back to you...
Well, I guess I'll get what I've got coming to me.
I don't think anything will ever top this uncle story.