looong post...
Thank you everybody for your very supportive comments on my last post! Sorry I'm behind on my replies!
I feel like I should update with what I've been brooding about all this time. Basically, I've pretty much decided to not continue with my modeling. I apologize because I know that I'm supposed to have a new site up with all this new material, and I've asked to you stick around, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I feel like I seriously need to get my priorities straight. I've had a lot of personal things going on, and sometimes modeling just doesn't seem very important.
Modeling is pretty stressful for me unless it's with a couple of specific photographers, because I'm comfortable with them. Otherwise it turns into a big chore, when I feel like it should just be fun. Since it's no longer very fun for the most part, it doesn't make sense to keep doing it when I have all this other stuff going on anyway. Plus, it's impossible for me to schedule anything right now because my work schedule is always posted at last minute, and there is almost never a pattern with what kind of days I work. GRRRR!!!!
Anyway, I will still be doing shoots with Jeremy from time to time that I will post for the hell of it, and I hope to do a shoot that I have been planning with visioluxus, but scheduling conflicts might get in the way since we have a deadline for a certain project. I haven't decided how long I'm going to keep this site up, but I'll always have my Yahoo Group to post photos in, and my livejournal, of course. I won't be buying a new domain, however. I'm pretty wishy washy, so I very well might change my mind and keep on doing the modeling stuff, but it won't be for awhile and it will be once I get the rest of my life in order (and can view it as a fun side project).
Hopefully everyone understands, but just in case you don't, I've disabled comments on this post. Although most of you are very supportive of pretty much everything I write so I don't know what I'm worried about.
FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS "STUFF" GOING ON, READ BELOW. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T CARE, SKIP THIS PART:
Ok, so what's my problem? It's hard to sum up but basically I'm really depressed and need time to get some therapy or something. Things are great at home, and great with Jeremy, so I should technically be fine, but I'm not. I have a lot of anxiety problems and pretty much never feel good which gets really upsetting. I don't know. There's a lot more to it but if I knew my whole problem I probably wouldn't be depressed. I don't want to take yet another hiadas from modeling, either. I've only been doing it since last May and have already taken a lot of "time off". My goals right now are mainly domestic. I feel shallow for investing so much time and energy into my modeling. Do other freelance models get so stressed about it? Probably not. And no offense to the other models reading this - I certainly do not think you are shallow. I however, was hoping it would be a gateway to an acting career or something that I can use my looks to sort of coast by on. I feel like that is pretty shallow.
I feel like shit, I cry all of the time, and I just want to settle into my adult life. I want to figure out a plan for everything and maybe go to school or something. I mean, what if I get into some accident and I'm horrible disfigured or something, and then I look back on what I've accomplished and it's like "well, I was in Gothic Beauty issue # 9".
Anyway, I don't really know what's completely wrong with me, but I do know what I want to change.
OKAY, BACK TO OTHER STUFF:
On another note, the manager at Hot Topic has been pretty aggressive about trying to get me to work there, so maybe that will work out. I'm not really sure if that's the job for me right now, but supposedly my schedule will be more regular so that might make it worth my time. I actually have gotten to the point where I don't really want to leave my current job. Odd, huh? If you read my posts from when I first started, I couldn't wait to leave. I hate settling into new workplaces. Blech. Plus, at my current job I get paid slightly more than minimum wage.
This week my parents are out of town so I've had to juggle an unusually hectic schedule (everyone at work is sick so I have to fill in) and making sure that if I'm not home that my sister will be so we can take care of the dog. I've had to have Jeremy stay over though because a lot of the time Caitlin and I are both gone. Anyway, if I have some extra time and we feel like it, Jeremy and I might do a shoot for fun. If so, I'll post some of the results. I hope to get behind the camera one of these days though.
I've also fallen off the wagon with my dieting stuff. The last time I did pilates was on Tuesday, but it had been a week and a half before that. I've also been eating like crap. You know what though? I like food. I'm sick of counting carbs and stuff. But I'm going to try to find a happy medium, where I'm taking care of myself and maintaining my weight rather than trying to desparately lose weight. I think doing that sets me up for times like these when I'm totally slacking off and not caring how much I eat. If it was just sort of a steady thing I think it would be easier to keep up with. Anyway, I've only gained like 2 pounds so I'm not worried.
Well, that's all for now. Sorry about the long post. Hopefully everone is doing ok out there.
I feel like I should update with what I've been brooding about all this time. Basically, I've pretty much decided to not continue with my modeling. I apologize because I know that I'm supposed to have a new site up with all this new material, and I've asked to you stick around, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I feel like I seriously need to get my priorities straight. I've had a lot of personal things going on, and sometimes modeling just doesn't seem very important.
Modeling is pretty stressful for me unless it's with a couple of specific photographers, because I'm comfortable with them. Otherwise it turns into a big chore, when I feel like it should just be fun. Since it's no longer very fun for the most part, it doesn't make sense to keep doing it when I have all this other stuff going on anyway. Plus, it's impossible for me to schedule anything right now because my work schedule is always posted at last minute, and there is almost never a pattern with what kind of days I work. GRRRR!!!!
Anyway, I will still be doing shoots with Jeremy from time to time that I will post for the hell of it, and I hope to do a shoot that I have been planning with visioluxus, but scheduling conflicts might get in the way since we have a deadline for a certain project. I haven't decided how long I'm going to keep this site up, but I'll always have my Yahoo Group to post photos in, and my livejournal, of course. I won't be buying a new domain, however. I'm pretty wishy washy, so I very well might change my mind and keep on doing the modeling stuff, but it won't be for awhile and it will be once I get the rest of my life in order (and can view it as a fun side project).
Hopefully everyone understands, but just in case you don't, I've disabled comments on this post. Although most of you are very supportive of pretty much everything I write so I don't know what I'm worried about.
FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS "STUFF" GOING ON, READ BELOW. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T CARE, SKIP THIS PART:
Ok, so what's my problem? It's hard to sum up but basically I'm really depressed and need time to get some therapy or something. Things are great at home, and great with Jeremy, so I should technically be fine, but I'm not. I have a lot of anxiety problems and pretty much never feel good which gets really upsetting. I don't know. There's a lot more to it but if I knew my whole problem I probably wouldn't be depressed. I don't want to take yet another hiadas from modeling, either. I've only been doing it since last May and have already taken a lot of "time off". My goals right now are mainly domestic. I feel shallow for investing so much time and energy into my modeling. Do other freelance models get so stressed about it? Probably not. And no offense to the other models reading this - I certainly do not think you are shallow. I however, was hoping it would be a gateway to an acting career or something that I can use my looks to sort of coast by on. I feel like that is pretty shallow.
I feel like shit, I cry all of the time, and I just want to settle into my adult life. I want to figure out a plan for everything and maybe go to school or something. I mean, what if I get into some accident and I'm horrible disfigured or something, and then I look back on what I've accomplished and it's like "well, I was in Gothic Beauty issue # 9".
Anyway, I don't really know what's completely wrong with me, but I do know what I want to change.
OKAY, BACK TO OTHER STUFF:
On another note, the manager at Hot Topic has been pretty aggressive about trying to get me to work there, so maybe that will work out. I'm not really sure if that's the job for me right now, but supposedly my schedule will be more regular so that might make it worth my time. I actually have gotten to the point where I don't really want to leave my current job. Odd, huh? If you read my posts from when I first started, I couldn't wait to leave. I hate settling into new workplaces. Blech. Plus, at my current job I get paid slightly more than minimum wage.
This week my parents are out of town so I've had to juggle an unusually hectic schedule (everyone at work is sick so I have to fill in) and making sure that if I'm not home that my sister will be so we can take care of the dog. I've had to have Jeremy stay over though because a lot of the time Caitlin and I are both gone. Anyway, if I have some extra time and we feel like it, Jeremy and I might do a shoot for fun. If so, I'll post some of the results. I hope to get behind the camera one of these days though.
I've also fallen off the wagon with my dieting stuff. The last time I did pilates was on Tuesday, but it had been a week and a half before that. I've also been eating like crap. You know what though? I like food. I'm sick of counting carbs and stuff. But I'm going to try to find a happy medium, where I'm taking care of myself and maintaining my weight rather than trying to desparately lose weight. I think doing that sets me up for times like these when I'm totally slacking off and not caring how much I eat. If it was just sort of a steady thing I think it would be easier to keep up with. Anyway, I've only gained like 2 pounds so I'm not worried.
Well, that's all for now. Sorry about the long post. Hopefully everone is doing ok out there.