(no subject)

[morthicius2]

Well it seems an immeasurable amount of time has past. Since I’ve let my thoughts flow freely, since I've let that hurt feeling manifest itself in my emotional repertoire. It hasn't really been that long I suppose, about a month. I've kept my mind busy with video games, books and work. Leaving myself little time to think with free will, the feeling has popped up here and there but I always suppress it quickly. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe I’m running from it. I have just felt too tired to deal with it. Running gets old though and I miss the solace that debilitated state of mind provides, there's a strangely dark little comfort in imagining ones self all alone. At the moment I’m not sure weather I'll give into it or not, I don't feel up to it right now. The other downside is I have hardly been online the whole time, I’ve kept in touch a little with my older friends, Nera, Jon and Stephanie, but other then that I have pretty much avoided everyone else. I've logged in more then once to see messages from others asking where I’ve gone but I have yet to reply and when I am on I stay invisible. At least in ICQ which makes for 99.8% of the people I talk to heh. I've no desire to answer their questions, I’m not sure where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. Another oddity, I've seemed to have developed a sarcasm towards feeling anything, it applies to myself as well everyone I see. I've always had it, but it's faster now, more abrupt. It used to be I would have to stop and think about the feeling before I met it with any sarcasm, now as soon as a feeling is displayed or discussed it pops up unbidden. Don't get me wrong, I still have respect for peoples feelings and I keep my sarcasms to myself and real emotion I wouldn't dismiss in such a way. But I have little tolerance right now for groundless feelings, and to be honest with you that seems to be about 90% of what people feel. Myself included. But I get tired of hearing people express themselves under the fancy of some emotion that they miss-ideal so bluntly. It just seems so obvious that what they think they feel is all a bi-product of their thought, and its more of "what they want to feel" rather then what they really feel. Love is a good example of this, it's something everybody wants and it's easy to delude yourself into loving someone just because of what could happen between the two of you... Imagining yourself down the road still with them, and the life you'd have. It all seems so nice doesn’t it? But it's not the person your in love with, it's the future you've created in your head, and you want to love them simply because you would have to in order to have such a future. So you imagine you do love them, or hopefully wonder if you do, or "is this love?" it's that sort of thing that I have very little tolerance for, it just seems so silly... you might gainsay me and ask how do I know it isn't really love or how do I know what they really feel? And to be honest no I can't know for sure weather it's real or not, but I'm not stupid, I know people well... how they are, and what they do to themselves. And I have my own experiences to compare too. Love isn't based on the future you see with someone it's a product of what has already happened. It sounds a cliché line and I used to think it stupid too, but you will know when you love someone. There's no questioning it, it's just a feeling at the bottom of your soul. You can change it no more then you can change the world. On further sarcasm notes the feeling of it isn't resolved to just peoples emotions but also stupid little urges, like "oo I want some chocolate" or what have you. That sarcasm at least is pretty much only directed at myself. Urges are weird, and there's no real reason to have them, they are also the bi-product of a fanciful mind, and so they annoy me.
I'm thinking of declaring this journal obsolete, I haven't felt the desire to post in a long time... I’d still keep it just for the friends list, leaving comments and what have you.The solace a friends list can provide is quite amazing in itself, no matter how small or how large the post or even it's topic I can't say how many times I’ve turned to the words you all put down for comfort, for a reminder that you all are out there, that people I trust and care about are out there. I don't think I will declare it obsolete just yet though I’ve a feeling I'll want to use it more often here down the road.