If you love something, give it away.
Last year, on my last day of high school, I started freaking out. I was almost in tears. I was entirely dreading what I had to look forward to for the coming year. And so far this year has been a realization of all of those fears. I was absolutely right to get upset when I did. I was afraid of going to work in a menial job, waiting on people, loosing touch with current events and not ever being required to use my brain. Low and behold, that is now my life.
This time last year I was so excited to go to school, to focus on learning what I was passionately interested in. To get my degree and start my life. Even though this meant going to Winnipeg, part of me wanted to go, part of me still wants to go.
All in all, things aren't so bad, they could deffinitely be worse. I work at a relatively awesome place, I'm out of my parents house, being "independent" and what not. But I'm not happy, not really. I have good days occasionally, but in general I wake up, serve mothers with screaming children, and pretend that I like tea a lot more than I do. This is no way to live, so what have I been doing? If this isn't living, this is existing. And what's more, this is probably all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Well, I'm more optomistic than that, if I can get the right career I know that I'll be happy.
Living here should make things better, shouldn't it? This new experience, these people and this place. Honestly, I think I would be getting more out of this if I hadn't grown up 5 blocks away, but nonetheless. I came here looking for people and experiences, but it feels like all I do is work. Things have been getting better, I have made more time for home and that's helped, but still. It basically feels like groundhog day, the movie.
I've started thinking about what I'm doing next year. It's March now, and people have started asking. I haven't been able to give them a straight answer as of yet. Every time I think of something I'd like to do I immediately come up with some excuse, why that couldn't work. However, I've decided that this year has kind of been a waste of my time and I need to make it up to myself. I just need to do what I want to be doing and get my life started.
This much I know, I need to go to school next year. Sometimes I think that I'd like to stick around at this place, but I don't think that I can live here and go to school. And as much as I would really love to stay, I really need to go to school. I've been putting off making this decision because I haven't been saving for school, at all. So, I just need to start doing that. I simply need to stop spending money. It is hard to save and pay rent, and causes me to maybe regret coming here a little bit, but I guess I just need to try harder.
I am having problems now deciding where to go. I would really love to go to UofC and just study political sciences and learn all of those things that I am interested in, however I may find it difficult to get a job after this. Now, Mount Royal offers a "Non-profit studies" applied degree. It would basically be really practical stuff that I'd be learning so that I could actually get a job right away and start doing what I want with my life. I guess I'm just faced with the dilema, would I rather be happy for the next four years, or happy for the rest of my life? It shouldn't be this difficult to answer.
This much I do know. I am working at camp over the summer. I was the happiest that I've ever been when I was there, I owe it to myself to go back.