(no subject)
Just got off a skype call with garrett. He's not ok with Sinan and I sleeping in the same room/being together. (edit... I rarely go back and read these, but I found myself doing it... I thought I should note that he's known all along, from the beginning that I was moving in with Sinan for a short amount of time. He wasn't exactly pleased about it then, and I wasn't exactly ready to move in with him either, but it just happened. I thought Slo would find a hotel and I thought that it would all just be for a few days, but it ended up being longer and I just kept staying here.) I'm kind of at a loss right now and I have no idea how to proceed.... I'm so emotionally drained that all I feel right now is callous and upset.
If I was in his situation, this wouldn't be a situation. If he was sleeping in the same bed, having sex almost every night, working with and more or less continually seeing someone, there would be absolutely no way that I wouldn't be jealous, upset and all in all want to disassociate from him entirely. I know it's hypocritical, I know it's not right, but honestly, its how I feel.... I know it's wrong and so much of me is glad that he's not like me in that way.
It wasn't a big shock when he told me he couldn't deal with me and him together, I was just hoping that it wouldn't happen.
He was the one who wanted to go off and find himself and fix his shit on his own. Now he's realizing that he either can't or doesnt need to be alone to fix it.
Jesse was right when he said that if we had really wanted to be with each other than we would be with each other, regardless of our own issues. Regardless of everything, if we really wanted to be with each other, all of that shit wouldn't matter and we would work out our issues together and it wouldn't really be any different than being alone.
He told me that he knew i was unhappy in CT and that i was searching for something else... here and in CT. I'm not really, not exactly. I'm only searching because I want someone who's present and in the moment and while he CAN be, he isn't.
I can't go back to being the girl who sits and watches while her boyfriend looses himself in computer games and is generally unhappy with what he's doing and how life is. I refuse to just sit and wait to see that glimmer of who he is and what he's actually capable of if he wants to be. I KNOW that there's more than that in him and he know's there's more than that. Every day I see potential and interest and a glimmer of the fire inside of him that wants to learn and explore and focus on something that means something... but then it gets drowned away by the easier path.... something simple and meaningless to focus on. I refuse to do that. There is absolutely too much in this world to be explored.... he knows that I just wish he would fucking get up and do something. I don't know what he's afraid of, if its even fear that's stopping him. I don't know what I want to do... I just know that I need to start fucking living life and exploring more possibilities instead of just merely existing.
He told me that he needed me to point out that he had a problem before we were apart. I told him that he already knew that he had a problem. He told me that he needed to see how it affected me... he knew how it affected him but he didn't know how much it affected me too. I fucking wish that I had. I knew that he would push me away but honestly, I wish I had because I would have pushed right back. He needed this, and I needed and wanted him. I still do. Honestly I wasn't sure if I meant enough to him for him to choose me over his own stubbornness. He's a fucking stubborn asshole a lot of the time.
He didn't want to talk about that now. He wanted to tell me how Sinan and I were affecting him and that was it.... but I'm glad I told him that I can't go back to that and I'm glad he admitted that it could easily go back to that. I get that it's not fair for him to love me and have my energy and love go towards someone else... my love and my heart isn't anywhere else but with Garrett when I'm with him, but part of him was somewhere else... not when we were really together and talking and communicating, but in our daily lives, he was somewhere else. and when I'm here, right now it feels good to give my 'love' to someone who can be here and show me the affection that I just can't get from garrett right now and can't always get anyways. It's learning about myself and how to be present, it's learning about someone else and learning about what I want....
Bottom line, I'm not willing to give everything up for someone who wont change. I want him to change, i know he can but I don't know how and if it'll happen.
Maybe I got in too deep too quickly with Sinan, but I knew that I wanted sex and that he wanted me too. I could see that part of him was hurting or was separate enough from my own reality that this wouldn't be something that could last. I know he'll get bored or I'll get bored... I can tell I'm not everything he wants and I knew that I wanted Garrett so I allowed what was happening between me and Sinan to continue. I saw that part of him was missing and that I could fill that for a while, and he would give me what I needed... affection, sex and an understanding.... of what? I'm not sure. A friend who would understand that I needed to be alone sometimes or to fill whatever void I was feeling with pleasure. It's not about choosing garrett over Sinan. That choice would be simple, without a single thought... He has meant and still means so much more to me than anyone.
He wants me to move out of Sinan's room... honestly, I dont even know what that will even do. If I tried to completely disassociate with Sinan, then I would be alone on this fucking island. Everyone lives in this fucking hotel, we ALL hang out together every single moment of the day and if I told Sinan that I just couldn't see him, I'd be telling everyone that I was leaving. I could fabricate a friendship with one of the only other westerners on this island or hang out with the vietnamese men who ALSO want to fuck me.... but that would all be a lie.
I can put distance between us... I can tell him that I love garrett and that I'm not in love with him or that I refuse to be in love with him, but I have before and he knows that there's no chance that we'll be together. He doesn't even want that.. not really.
I need to run. I really do
If I was in his situation, this wouldn't be a situation. If he was sleeping in the same bed, having sex almost every night, working with and more or less continually seeing someone, there would be absolutely no way that I wouldn't be jealous, upset and all in all want to disassociate from him entirely. I know it's hypocritical, I know it's not right, but honestly, its how I feel.... I know it's wrong and so much of me is glad that he's not like me in that way.
It wasn't a big shock when he told me he couldn't deal with me and him together, I was just hoping that it wouldn't happen.
He was the one who wanted to go off and find himself and fix his shit on his own. Now he's realizing that he either can't or doesnt need to be alone to fix it.
Jesse was right when he said that if we had really wanted to be with each other than we would be with each other, regardless of our own issues. Regardless of everything, if we really wanted to be with each other, all of that shit wouldn't matter and we would work out our issues together and it wouldn't really be any different than being alone.
He told me that he knew i was unhappy in CT and that i was searching for something else... here and in CT. I'm not really, not exactly. I'm only searching because I want someone who's present and in the moment and while he CAN be, he isn't.
I can't go back to being the girl who sits and watches while her boyfriend looses himself in computer games and is generally unhappy with what he's doing and how life is. I refuse to just sit and wait to see that glimmer of who he is and what he's actually capable of if he wants to be. I KNOW that there's more than that in him and he know's there's more than that. Every day I see potential and interest and a glimmer of the fire inside of him that wants to learn and explore and focus on something that means something... but then it gets drowned away by the easier path.... something simple and meaningless to focus on. I refuse to do that. There is absolutely too much in this world to be explored.... he knows that I just wish he would fucking get up and do something. I don't know what he's afraid of, if its even fear that's stopping him. I don't know what I want to do... I just know that I need to start fucking living life and exploring more possibilities instead of just merely existing.
He told me that he needed me to point out that he had a problem before we were apart. I told him that he already knew that he had a problem. He told me that he needed to see how it affected me... he knew how it affected him but he didn't know how much it affected me too. I fucking wish that I had. I knew that he would push me away but honestly, I wish I had because I would have pushed right back. He needed this, and I needed and wanted him. I still do. Honestly I wasn't sure if I meant enough to him for him to choose me over his own stubbornness. He's a fucking stubborn asshole a lot of the time.
He didn't want to talk about that now. He wanted to tell me how Sinan and I were affecting him and that was it.... but I'm glad I told him that I can't go back to that and I'm glad he admitted that it could easily go back to that. I get that it's not fair for him to love me and have my energy and love go towards someone else... my love and my heart isn't anywhere else but with Garrett when I'm with him, but part of him was somewhere else... not when we were really together and talking and communicating, but in our daily lives, he was somewhere else. and when I'm here, right now it feels good to give my 'love' to someone who can be here and show me the affection that I just can't get from garrett right now and can't always get anyways. It's learning about myself and how to be present, it's learning about someone else and learning about what I want....
Bottom line, I'm not willing to give everything up for someone who wont change. I want him to change, i know he can but I don't know how and if it'll happen.
Maybe I got in too deep too quickly with Sinan, but I knew that I wanted sex and that he wanted me too. I could see that part of him was hurting or was separate enough from my own reality that this wouldn't be something that could last. I know he'll get bored or I'll get bored... I can tell I'm not everything he wants and I knew that I wanted Garrett so I allowed what was happening between me and Sinan to continue. I saw that part of him was missing and that I could fill that for a while, and he would give me what I needed... affection, sex and an understanding.... of what? I'm not sure. A friend who would understand that I needed to be alone sometimes or to fill whatever void I was feeling with pleasure. It's not about choosing garrett over Sinan. That choice would be simple, without a single thought... He has meant and still means so much more to me than anyone.
He wants me to move out of Sinan's room... honestly, I dont even know what that will even do. If I tried to completely disassociate with Sinan, then I would be alone on this fucking island. Everyone lives in this fucking hotel, we ALL hang out together every single moment of the day and if I told Sinan that I just couldn't see him, I'd be telling everyone that I was leaving. I could fabricate a friendship with one of the only other westerners on this island or hang out with the vietnamese men who ALSO want to fuck me.... but that would all be a lie.
I can put distance between us... I can tell him that I love garrett and that I'm not in love with him or that I refuse to be in love with him, but I have before and he knows that there's no chance that we'll be together. He doesn't even want that.. not really.
I need to run. I really do