(no subject)
So much and so little to say.
Garrett left early this morning. He put it best when he said that he doesn't miss me when he's in China, unless he really thinks about it, he said it's a good thing that he doesn't miss me, or else it would make it harder to be a part. Yet leaving me, and not being with me, is just as hard as it was the first time when he flew to Beijing, 'it hurts again" he told me.... I don't miss him that much when I'm here. I think about him, but I know that he's there for me in whatever small capacity one can be when you're hours away from them.... seeing them again and then leaving them, however, is painful.
It was so good to be with him again.... his presence, his smell, his body next to mine, getting to know him again and him to know me. We walked around the city with a confidence and love that only two people who really know each other can... It made me feel invincible in that way that love can. As cliche as it sounds, it made me feel as if love conquers all. It was so nice to share this city with him and to share what of my life I could share with him in 3 days.
So, we talked about a lot of things. He said some things that I knew he was thinking, but didn't say before. He's really happy where he is, without the constant drain of living at home and without the stress of a job that he doesn't love. We started to talk about the idea of seeing other people, or being single. How we both need to be completely here, in the moment and not thinking about and worrying about what the other is doing or feeling, etc. We discussed how I came to vietnam so that I could work on my own issues... decision making, living in the moment.... and how he really isn't satisfied with himself and that he hoped I wasn't either. I asked, because I had to, if he meant he couldn't grow with me, and he said yes, he meant with me as well. "we comfort each other too much" which is true. 'I know that i dont utilize the talent that i have, and you don't either, and i want us to" He told me that I don't push him to change and i started to say i dont because he would push me away, and he said he knew. "you have to do it on your own, I just want to see you do it. I want you to push yourself" I told him. "Its just hard, because I want to be a part of that change that happens in your life, your growth" and he told me that I will see the changes and that I already was. I know he's part of mine. It's not easy to hear that from someone you love, even if you agree. I'm still not sure to what capacity I believe it all, but i know that time away is always good.
Of course he's intrigued by the power that white Americans have in Asia... the idea of dating someone there and having that way of exploring a culture is something I wish I could have, but as an Asian American woman... it's not impossible, but so improbable that I don't think it will happen. He's not one to exploit that power, but sexual appetites and curiosity about culture, and a whole new world that opens up, is something I don't want to deprive anyone from.
We talked about the fact that its impossible to know what the future holds. He told me that I'm the closest he's ever come to finding someone who he could think about sharing his life with, but he's still not satisfied with himself, and I'm still not satisfied with myself, or who he would be if we lived together now... I thought about the fact that he takes the easy path, playing video games to the point of obsession instead of being productive. I think about how I worry about the life I'm not living and how I want to create art and yet I just don't... There's too much that needs to happen for both of us in order to be the people that I want us to be in the future. Maybe we'll come back together after this is all done, maybe we wont. It's to early to say what will happen. It's too early to know.
I said that i dont really want a relationship with anyone else, its not what I came here for. He told me that's not what he came here for either. I told him that I came here to be on my own in a lot of ways, without the need or desire for others in that way. He told me he didnt want to look for a relationship like ours, with the same connection we have... I dont want him to find someone with that connection, and I'm not looking for love. I have to say that, but I know that if either of us find that, there's no stopping it and part of me wouldn't want us to stop it.
He wants me to be happy here. He asked me once or twice if I was. I told him I was, but he didn't seem satisfied. He could see, as I know people can, that there is a sadness in me. He told me he didn't want me to be unhappy here, as if he had some sort of power over my happiness. I don't want to be unhappy and I'm trying to find the source every time it happens. He said finally that maybe that's just part of finding myself more. To gods I wish it wasn't. I wish I was better at this. I think that a lot of it is realizing who I am and who I can be. To seizing opportunities that present themselves. To taking chances and embracing all of the pain and all of the bad decisions and all of the mistakes that I have to make.
I told him that I didn't want to miss him, he said 'then don't, know that I'm with you in your heart."
More than anything, I need to be my own person and consider myself above everything... I need to be here and in the now and not look towards the future. i don't want to worry what all of this means for us, at the moment, Us doesn't exist.
Ah life.... how complicated and simple you are.
On another note, I have a job with ILA if I want it.... which I don't. I need to go check out VUS and various other schools to see if they have open positions. Apollo, VUS, British International School, American School, Saigon South, Australian School, ACET, etc, are a few of the schools I'll be considering. Suggestions are always welcome.
Plan for today:
- get my ass out of bed
- scan passport
- print out copies of my BA
- print out copies of my cover letter and resume
Plan for the long term:
- teach english for a few months
- work at Slopony/Asian Adventures
- figure out life
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.