When will I stop crying?

Apr 25, 2009 06:28

Where is my destination? I find myself at the age of 43 lost in a haze of chronic heartbreak with no idea where I am going. I sure can tell I am older because there is no excitement involved in this change. I always felt this rush of the new that propelled me forward, instead I want to dig in deep and say…no, this is my life and I want to keep it.

I lost myself in this marriage, I know I did, but if she had come to me and said she was profoundly unhappy and without a great change for us, there would be no more us, I could have worked with that. I am the queen of transformation. Only I thought this was it for me, there was no other, so how do I know become and I instead of an us when Terri is the love of my life?

I keep thinking about all those movies and shows like the Starter Wife and how these women rise above the horrible loss of their marriages. I cannot see me in that role, I see only darkness.

Looking around the house I wonder who is going to keep what. What will need to be sold because we just have too much combined shit to go into small apts. But when I look at our things, I see our relationship within our collections, what we loved together and wanted to show to those that came into our home, who we were.I am going to miss living in this house, I cannot ponder where we will live next without feeling a bit sick.

I asked her to take down all the pictures in the bedroom...the room is a shrine to our beautiful wedding. She even put the photo book away that sat on the coffee table, the table needed dusting so I could see where it laid, like a ghost. I took my hand and made sweeping swirls in the dust to erase that it sat there.

Terri looks sad, she knows she is tearing me a part but holds firm to her wanting to be alone. I know there is more to it than that. She is sparing me because this is enough for me to handle, but I know this is more about me than she is letting on. Perhaps she is now allowing even herself to know it. There is a legit reason for concern, if I was the cause of all this, then I do not think I could live with that.

We went out to dinner with Fae trying to show her we can be friends and that everything is fine, just different. She was engaging and participated in conversations with Kassy in ways I know she didn’t for a long while. I am noticing and coming to realize just how much we were already a part.

I was aware of her distance from me and tried and tried (usually in frustration) to get her to talk to me. She never did. I mean yea there were a few hints but I was too busy with myself or I just did not want to hear it.

I keep going into the deep parts of our relationship and I know the connection is still there and why I think she its so important to her that we are still a part of each others lives. But she told me she is no longer in love with me…you know like they do in movies. I love you and I care about you, but I do not love you like I did in the beginning. Who does maintain that? I doubt anyone does…it is suppose to become a deeper love. I thought that’s what we had despite our current differences. I was wrong.

We are going to live together till we sell the house which will not happen for a year. I keep thinking I should just stuff all this in for now because this wound is not going to heal over this time, it will sit there dormant ready to be ripped open anew when we move out.

Kassy asked if I was going to buy us a house, I had to tell her that unless my book sells, we will be moving into an apt. I could see the disappointment in her face. She also had a small panic when she realized that she may be the only one around if I get super depressed and need help…she looked terrified at the prospect of taking care of her suicidal mother…and why wouldn’t she? I told her by then we would know more people, that I am going to make sure there is a system in place so that she is not the lone person dealing with this.

Being chronically ill and moving out of my secure hole terrifies me. I have already thought of all the scary scenarios that could happen. I know I shouldn’t, and of course Terri is trying to assure me that she will be there when I need her, but I think she wants to go far away from me. Her craving for freedom from all of this is deafening to me.

I need to find a way to put my heartache on a shelf for now, deal with the creation of the boundaries, which a couple’s therapist will be helping with starting next Weds. I need that third party perspective.

I want to say I am done with the crying, but I thought that yesterday and I ended up crying plenty. Hell im crying right now, just quietly.

crying, pain, ending a marriage, sadness

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