doubt
I doubt my princess, or should I say i doubt her friends. She is so far from my arms and I miss her so, I long to be with her and hold her sweet face, but I am no longer embraced. In the beginning I was "one of the girls" somewhere along the way I became "her girlfriend" to them and am no longer in the fold. This was my biggest fear and is now a reality. I do not know what to say or do to correct the situation. *sigh* This is why I do not have many women friends, becuase they are crazy. I have done nothing wrong, I have made every effort to include them so that they do not feel threatened. I have made it clear I do not wish to interfear in their friendship in any way, yet I am still condemed the outsider. This could not come at a worse time, I am hurt and bleeding and those around me have gathered in a circle to take what they want, I have stood strong and put her first, I have made it clear that my weak condition will not be used to wear me down and steal her possibility from my life. Yet I stand prostrate against those around her, I can do nothing to correct this situation, if I had done something wrong, I could correct it, but I do not know what can be done to rectify this. I feel impotent. My head aches, my body faulters, and my heart is tired. I have lived through the lesson with the other and come through in one piece but this fear of rejection and loss leaves me in tatters.
I have spent the last two weeks rectifying this "lesbian" thing. I have never considered myself as such but my ex has always claimed me to be. I suppose it was because I never saw my self settling down with a woman and having a family with a woman. I suppose that I have always thought prince charming would ride in sooner or later and it would all work out in the end, but It seems to me that my prince is a princess. I for the first time in my life can see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman, this beautiful, intelligent, sexy, wonderful woman. I want for the first time to introduce people to my wife, and I wish to hand my child to another woman and say the words "here baby go to mommy". I want to have her arms about me when I am learning to breath for the birth of our child, and to rub her belly as it swells with our love... either or both.. this I want. I believe in her, she is whole and not looking to be fixed.. only needing to be complemented. Yet I feel that I am on this shelf looking down into this deep cold chasm that has appeared from nowhere under my feet. Not because of her doubts or my fears but because of others who are.... I do not know, jealous, angry, ... I know not how to fix a problem I do not know the root of. Fuck, If it's not the birds it is other people, those I have taken to my breast as dear hearts. Tomorrow I will call, if this can be set right, it will be.. if it may it will.
I have spent the last two weeks rectifying this "lesbian" thing. I have never considered myself as such but my ex has always claimed me to be. I suppose it was because I never saw my self settling down with a woman and having a family with a woman. I suppose that I have always thought prince charming would ride in sooner or later and it would all work out in the end, but It seems to me that my prince is a princess. I for the first time in my life can see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman, this beautiful, intelligent, sexy, wonderful woman. I want for the first time to introduce people to my wife, and I wish to hand my child to another woman and say the words "here baby go to mommy". I want to have her arms about me when I am learning to breath for the birth of our child, and to rub her belly as it swells with our love... either or both.. this I want. I believe in her, she is whole and not looking to be fixed.. only needing to be complemented. Yet I feel that I am on this shelf looking down into this deep cold chasm that has appeared from nowhere under my feet. Not because of her doubts or my fears but because of others who are.... I do not know, jealous, angry, ... I know not how to fix a problem I do not know the root of. Fuck, If it's not the birds it is other people, those I have taken to my breast as dear hearts. Tomorrow I will call, if this can be set right, it will be.. if it may it will.