(( search for an answer that will never come ))
just something to think about i guess........
well i had a very intersting conversation that made me think quite a lot about myself......unfortunatly i don't think it's what i really wanted/needed to be thinking about right now......but the idea is in my head nonetheless......i also know now how i am percieved in soem ways and i don't like it but there's nothing i can really do about it which makes it in a sense worse.......at first what other people thought of my past didn't bother me......i always went by the theory of , if they really care then it shouldn't matter because it is the past and nothing more, but now i understand why that doesn't work for everyone.......
i've never once denied the things that i have done and i've even taken responsibility for it being a result of my own stupidity......i do realize that i did make some pretty bad mistakes, but i was at least smart enough to only do it once and i think i deserve some kind of credit for that......andi will admit that most of the things that i did were the result of my own problems with myself and a good 95% of the time had nothing to do with the people involved.......i was a stupid confused little girl surrounded by a completely different atmosphere than i was use to and i let it get to me when i shouldn't.......i know that and i don't try to hide it......
now i am thinking about it and how i let it affect me and i feel like it made me seriously decrease in value to anyone who would see something they liked in me now........and i think that is a pretty accurate statement seeing as how i have always ended up with assholes who treat me terribly.......i have convinced myself that i don't deserve better than that and i honestly don't think i do......
but now here's someone who actually tried to do right by me and treats me wonderfully......how do i process that? i've never known anything like this before.....and i think that may be my own fault as well......i've allowed myself to be put in bad situations because i feel i deserve it for so long that i don't know how to react to someone making me happy.......that in turn makes me feel even worse because i am not giving them what they deserve......so what am i suppose to do? i don't want to give someone up who is so incredibly good to me and that i for once can say that i care about.......that would be completely stupid.......but what do i do? how do i fix myself?i still don't know and i am starting to think that i never will.