(( slowly melting the ice inside ))
i think the ice inside the space where my heart use to be is dripping.......someone might want to clean that up.
i don't exactly know how to explain the thoughts that keep running through my head but i will explain as best as i know how. i ended up not going to give plasma today for some foul reasons but oh well, i'll find someone to go with me saturday i suppose. back to the point, i thought all day trying to figure out why i am the way i am. why i think the way i do. and everytime i tried to do this, i completely broke down. i don't know what to do anymore. there are only a few people, if that, that even bother to tell me they care. but even then i don't know what to think. i know they aren't lying to me. or at least i hope not. but i still can't understand why anyone in their right mind would even waste their time with me.
i thought about my mother, or lack there of. she was so wonderful once. she was perfect in my eyes. she took care of me and my dad and made sure i was content as a child. but she too left with complete disreguard for the child she claimed as her own. i was forced to be alone and i adapted to it. but i still remember the nights i sat alone staring at the ceiling wondering why my mom didn't love me anymore. what did i do? why did i deserve this? and to this day i still don't know. but i know that my parents did what they thought was best. it would've been worse for all of us if they had stayed together. so i watched my once picture-perfect PTA mom leave me standing in my window crying wondering when she would come back for me.
i remember the nights sitting alone at the apartment waiting for her to come home. and when she did it was either too drunk to stand up, too coked up to talk, or both. i missed MY mom and i still do. but this person wasn't her and never will be again. as any other young, stupid kid does, i started doing drugs to make everything go away. and it worked. i lost every once of emotion that i had while i was strung out. and i got to the point where i wouldn't eat and weighed about 100 pounds. but i can still remember how good it felt to be able to be skinny and pretty. i miss that too.
there are some parts of my life that i don't think anyone will ever understand. for this i am actually happy because to understand how if feels, you'd have to experience it. and that is soemthing i wish on not even my worst enemy. there are quite a few people who view me a weak for putting up with the abuse for so long. but then again those people grew up with a mommy and a daddy who told them they loved them every night so what the fuck would they know. and to those people who think that I are weak or stupid for getting the living hell beat out of me and going back....fuck you. i did go back. and i am the one who left and never looked back once i was gone. i did take a lot of shit from a lot of guys for a long time, but i am much stronger for it. and i will say this i guess as a warning to anyone who would hit a girl, i got to the point where i just couldn't take it anymore and upon arriving home from the ER one night with a near broken nose and few broken ribs, i took a baseball bat to that guy's face. so if you think i am weak, try me.
i realize that i am jumping around a lot here but bare with me, i really can't help it right now.
the sadest part of all of this, to me anyway, is that after all of the people that have come into my life, i have still never found anyone who honestly loved me. this is the one thing that gets to me the most. and i am not talking about that "Oh my god i love you let's run off into the sunset and get married" type stuff because i am not 13 anymore ( and we have all done that so don't even pretend like you don't know what i am talking about ). i am simply referring to someone actually meaning it when they say it to me. i highly doubt that anyone will ever mean it anyway so i guess it is for the best. i'd rather be alone and know the truth than be happy and lied to.
i can't even really think anymore. my brain hurts. my eyes hurt. everything hurts. i just want it to stop. i need something or someone to save me from myself. i need to get away from here. i think i will.
<3 and red kool-aid <3
*allie*