Lies
Tonight has been the same as the last 5: BLAH!!!!!!!!
I want to be her friend. I want us to be okay. I want her back.
I went to watch the football game this evening at the Alamo, where I used to work w/ her and fellow co-workers who were off. I watched her drool over him. I watched her wanting him like she used to me.
At half time everyone was supposed to come to our apartment and smoke/drink if they wanted. I heard her ask him to borrow his keys (to his truck) figured everyone was going to pile into the back of it. So I took her car and drove across the street. Locked myself in the bathroom to take a really hot shower. Cried like a ninnie. I just don't understand. I want to be her friend.
Went back there she told me she was going to get a ride to Al's (the hog bar everyone hangs out at). From Chris. That's fine. Funny thing. I watched Chris leave and go to Al's. She rode w/ Eugene supposedly because he wanted to talk to her or something. I decided to just chill at home, then I saw her in my head kissing him and I decided to go to the bar. They all ended up at R's bar. I walked in, sat down, about 4 minutes later they (bobby, gene, and jessi) went to Al's. Leaving very quickly. I got up to leave after I played a game of pool, and EVERYONE that was still at R's was all, "WAIT, dont leave....stay here ...there's no reason to go home." Although, I never mentioned going home. Hmm. Are they getting people to cover up for them.
So it was about 1:45 I decided to leave R's after there was male drama. Stopped at Al's bar... gene and jessi looked all cozy sitting next to one and other. :*( I told her I was going to get sleeping pills and go home, as I walked out a minute later everyone from R's came in and dragged me back to the area jess was at. I tried to keep my mind off of her and gene's flirting. I wanted to throw up all over myself. Everytime I see him I want to curl up in a ball and puke until the end of eternity. I get that vivid horrible picture of him lying on top of her naked, his naked white stumpy body with his DICK attempting to penetrate the girl I love. I should not have walked in on that.
ANYWAY. So after last call 2 am, I got my keys to leave. And hugged everyone except the people sitting around gene goodbye. She got up and asked where her hug was, she was a little intoxicated.... I hugged her and she whispered into my ear, "I just want to be with him soo bad..." As I felt my soul crumble to pieces I kissed her neck and walked off.
She said she didn't need a ride home, Gene would bring her. She assured me that they wouldn't have time to be alone because they had to bring Bobby home. SO driving home from walgreens, I see his truck turn left onto HWY 6, the way you go to bring bobby home. That was over a half an hour ago. IT takes 10 minutes to get to my house and back from bobby's. I am dying. I want to eat all the fucking sleeping pills. If she's not home by 4 am I am calling his house. I will wake his parents up. Then I will kill myself.
lies. lies. lies. lies. lies.lies.lies. I want to die.
my heart is heavy and hurting
and nothing anyone says will make me better.
no amount of beer and liquor gets my mind off of it.
no amount of people telling me to smile
or telling me im "sexy" will take this AWFUL world I am living in away.
I am not strong enough.
I have always been weak.
I am not a thug.
I am not enough to love.
I do not have a penis.
Or blue eyes.
nor am i irish short and stocky.
nor do i hold her eye like i used to.
i have to go.
I want to be her friend. I want us to be okay. I want her back.
I went to watch the football game this evening at the Alamo, where I used to work w/ her and fellow co-workers who were off. I watched her drool over him. I watched her wanting him like she used to me.
At half time everyone was supposed to come to our apartment and smoke/drink if they wanted. I heard her ask him to borrow his keys (to his truck) figured everyone was going to pile into the back of it. So I took her car and drove across the street. Locked myself in the bathroom to take a really hot shower. Cried like a ninnie. I just don't understand. I want to be her friend.
Went back there she told me she was going to get a ride to Al's (the hog bar everyone hangs out at). From Chris. That's fine. Funny thing. I watched Chris leave and go to Al's. She rode w/ Eugene supposedly because he wanted to talk to her or something. I decided to just chill at home, then I saw her in my head kissing him and I decided to go to the bar. They all ended up at R's bar. I walked in, sat down, about 4 minutes later they (bobby, gene, and jessi) went to Al's. Leaving very quickly. I got up to leave after I played a game of pool, and EVERYONE that was still at R's was all, "WAIT, dont leave....stay here ...there's no reason to go home." Although, I never mentioned going home. Hmm. Are they getting people to cover up for them.
So it was about 1:45 I decided to leave R's after there was male drama. Stopped at Al's bar... gene and jessi looked all cozy sitting next to one and other. :*( I told her I was going to get sleeping pills and go home, as I walked out a minute later everyone from R's came in and dragged me back to the area jess was at. I tried to keep my mind off of her and gene's flirting. I wanted to throw up all over myself. Everytime I see him I want to curl up in a ball and puke until the end of eternity. I get that vivid horrible picture of him lying on top of her naked, his naked white stumpy body with his DICK attempting to penetrate the girl I love. I should not have walked in on that.
ANYWAY. So after last call 2 am, I got my keys to leave. And hugged everyone except the people sitting around gene goodbye. She got up and asked where her hug was, she was a little intoxicated.... I hugged her and she whispered into my ear, "I just want to be with him soo bad..." As I felt my soul crumble to pieces I kissed her neck and walked off.
She said she didn't need a ride home, Gene would bring her. She assured me that they wouldn't have time to be alone because they had to bring Bobby home. SO driving home from walgreens, I see his truck turn left onto HWY 6, the way you go to bring bobby home. That was over a half an hour ago. IT takes 10 minutes to get to my house and back from bobby's. I am dying. I want to eat all the fucking sleeping pills. If she's not home by 4 am I am calling his house. I will wake his parents up. Then I will kill myself.
lies. lies. lies. lies. lies.lies.lies. I want to die.
my heart is heavy and hurting
and nothing anyone says will make me better.
no amount of beer and liquor gets my mind off of it.
no amount of people telling me to smile
or telling me im "sexy" will take this AWFUL world I am living in away.
I am not strong enough.
I have always been weak.
I am not a thug.
I am not enough to love.
I do not have a penis.
Or blue eyes.
nor am i irish short and stocky.
nor do i hold her eye like i used to.
i have to go.