(no subject)
So..I guess I'm pretty mean. That's the message I've been getting a lot recently. Not sure if I agree with people, but self-critique is pretty hard to do honestly. I recently made one of my teacher's cry without really trying to. I'm not even sure how it happened, but as I looked at her tearing up all I could think was "Bitch deserves it. I don't give a fuck."
This surprised even me because tears will usually elicit some sort of empathy from me. Not this time though. And this weekend when Michelle and I spliced our two groups together I was really malignant for the first half of the night. So much that Michelle had to hang out with Krystal away from me because she almost broke down in tears. I know I never meant for that to happen. I can see why I reacted in such a way now.
The people I'd surrounded myself with...in the past, were full of shit. Michelle always questioned whether or not they were my friends because we were all so horrible to each other. I'd been surrounded by it so long I grew accustomed to that behavior. I was frustrated, but I didn't know why. So I grew bitter. Towards everyone. So much that you would not believe how hard it is to not hate people now. I mean really hate. I don't ever remember harboring this much hatred at any one person or thing in my entire life.
But now I hold that animosity towards everyone and everything. I'm not openly professing my loathing towards individuals, but my speech has become that of the most hateful sarcasm that I think, though others may try to include me in their lives, I've completely alienated myself from everyone. I can still hang out with people and have a good time, but all I do now is focus on their flaws; their ignorance, their lack of experience.
Believe me, I know I'm not perfect. Far be it for me to pass judgement on anyone, especially people I don't really know. However, it's become startlingly evident how similar everyone is. Even the "smart" people. They all keep making the same fucking mistakes over and over again. Psuedo-intellects are worse because they carry a certain air about themselves that makes them easy to read and even easier to dismiss. It's as if their vainglorious comport leaves them open for judgement.
And so I sit. And listen. And judge. And I can not find the aptitude to place blame on myself for it. I hardly talk nowadays. To Michelle, select friends, and whoever else if need be. I'll go whole hours without a single word. A day or so if I don't get to talk to Michelle. I believe your environment envelops who you are and who you are to become. If this is true then I have no other option than to leave Houston. I don't like who I am becomming and even less where I'll end up because of it. And I certainly don't want to prohibit myself the faculty of enjoying someone's company.
This surprised even me because tears will usually elicit some sort of empathy from me. Not this time though. And this weekend when Michelle and I spliced our two groups together I was really malignant for the first half of the night. So much that Michelle had to hang out with Krystal away from me because she almost broke down in tears. I know I never meant for that to happen. I can see why I reacted in such a way now.
The people I'd surrounded myself with...in the past, were full of shit. Michelle always questioned whether or not they were my friends because we were all so horrible to each other. I'd been surrounded by it so long I grew accustomed to that behavior. I was frustrated, but I didn't know why. So I grew bitter. Towards everyone. So much that you would not believe how hard it is to not hate people now. I mean really hate. I don't ever remember harboring this much hatred at any one person or thing in my entire life.
But now I hold that animosity towards everyone and everything. I'm not openly professing my loathing towards individuals, but my speech has become that of the most hateful sarcasm that I think, though others may try to include me in their lives, I've completely alienated myself from everyone. I can still hang out with people and have a good time, but all I do now is focus on their flaws; their ignorance, their lack of experience.
Believe me, I know I'm not perfect. Far be it for me to pass judgement on anyone, especially people I don't really know. However, it's become startlingly evident how similar everyone is. Even the "smart" people. They all keep making the same fucking mistakes over and over again. Psuedo-intellects are worse because they carry a certain air about themselves that makes them easy to read and even easier to dismiss. It's as if their vainglorious comport leaves them open for judgement.
And so I sit. And listen. And judge. And I can not find the aptitude to place blame on myself for it. I hardly talk nowadays. To Michelle, select friends, and whoever else if need be. I'll go whole hours without a single word. A day or so if I don't get to talk to Michelle. I believe your environment envelops who you are and who you are to become. If this is true then I have no other option than to leave Houston. I don't like who I am becomming and even less where I'll end up because of it. And I certainly don't want to prohibit myself the faculty of enjoying someone's company.