Caving in.
It seems like I haven't had an outlet for any sort of emotional dumping for almost a whole year now. I know I've no privacy and the way things are with the people I'm around, I can't say anything or people will literally go offing themselves as a result. I just want to bitch, just like everyone else can. What's so wrong with that? Guilt-free, even.
I'm just as confused as ever about my situation and the frustration is killing me. I want things I know I can not have. I'm constantly getting the short end of the stick and because of what I did and I just have to grin and bear it, which, to a point, I've done marvelously. It feels like my health is continuing to deteriorate and I can't stand to be held back or weighed down. I'm far too goal-oriented a person to just sit here and not do anything productive, day after day. Whenever anyone asks me what I do these days, I hate the list that goes through my head and the bullshit responses I give people. I'm off the drugs now, but that was just the first step and even then, with Justin and his ultra-addiction (I'm betting he could've bought a couple of cars by now with the money he's spent on marijuana) always around it's hard to be constantly fending off that urge. I want new experiences, to meet new people, to immerse myself in a completely new environment but none of that comes without work and I know of no job that will allow the type of schedule I'm sure to have. Three days out of the week I may be fine, the rest of the time it feels like I'm dying. Maybe more, maybe less. I can't exert myself physically, I have to constantly be taking some sort of medication or monitoring my condition to make sure every aspect is completely covered. There is simply no room for error or leeway and I know I can't work any job when I'm feeling that way.
I start school next semester, but what good will that do me if the doctors continue to find nothing wrong, no one really understands or believes what I say I'm experiencing. I'd love to have the following tests done: MRI, Cholesterol Level Count, Upper GI, Endoscopy...things that should've been done and probably would've if I'd seen one doctor on a consistent basis, not all these random emergency room encounters at a different hospital each time. I have insurance now, so why is it that I can't have a regular doctor? I know I need one. Anyone, enough about health.
I've determined I hate living with (any) people. Especially when I can't escape to my own room, or any room in this house. Someone is always there. Always making noise, always invading my space, always eating my food, always breaking something I own, always waking me up in the middle of the night for some ridiculous reason. I have to deal with all of this on my own, why the fuck can't you people seem to get it together? What's the difference between us that makes it okay for you to seek out my help, but if I do it, I'm asking for too much? I don't see the sense in that and if I don't help out, I'm seen as the unforgivable asshole. Not that I can't try to help, even if I'm angry or want to be selfish. I'm starting to see where I went wrong with everyone and it's got to do a lot with me wanting to believe people are who I think they are. I can't change them and they won't change because it's easier or better. They're completely selfish and self-serving. No one is looking out for anyone but themselves, which is what I guess I should've been doing, but I'm too busy attending to everyone else's problems (Funnily enough, they all seem to be females. Shocking, I know).
Can everyone just go away for 6 months? I need some fucking time to myself. I need to be able to do my own thing for awhile and I don't want to feel obligated to be there for you when I know you're not there for me (except for what I'm dying and you just happen to be witnessing it, in which case you watch while everyone else tries to do something about it).\
FUCK!!!!!
The only thing that I have is my music. It's still mine. It's getting better, but I'm having so much trouble focusing on it through all of the bullshit. The mornings are the only moments of peace of I have and only during the weekdays. I need this to go somewhere. It seems like my only out. I need to get trained in theory and production. Once I've acquired that knowlledge, I know I can go somewhere. I've done everything I have without any real understanding of what I'm doing and it all sounds pretty good.
Today is someone else's birthday and despite all that's going on with that person, I'll have to wait for another day to unload on them because I'm going to do something indescribably nice simply because I care. Wow, what a novelty.
I'm not fucking happy.
I'm just as confused as ever about my situation and the frustration is killing me. I want things I know I can not have. I'm constantly getting the short end of the stick and because of what I did and I just have to grin and bear it, which, to a point, I've done marvelously. It feels like my health is continuing to deteriorate and I can't stand to be held back or weighed down. I'm far too goal-oriented a person to just sit here and not do anything productive, day after day. Whenever anyone asks me what I do these days, I hate the list that goes through my head and the bullshit responses I give people. I'm off the drugs now, but that was just the first step and even then, with Justin and his ultra-addiction (I'm betting he could've bought a couple of cars by now with the money he's spent on marijuana) always around it's hard to be constantly fending off that urge. I want new experiences, to meet new people, to immerse myself in a completely new environment but none of that comes without work and I know of no job that will allow the type of schedule I'm sure to have. Three days out of the week I may be fine, the rest of the time it feels like I'm dying. Maybe more, maybe less. I can't exert myself physically, I have to constantly be taking some sort of medication or monitoring my condition to make sure every aspect is completely covered. There is simply no room for error or leeway and I know I can't work any job when I'm feeling that way.
I start school next semester, but what good will that do me if the doctors continue to find nothing wrong, no one really understands or believes what I say I'm experiencing. I'd love to have the following tests done: MRI, Cholesterol Level Count, Upper GI, Endoscopy...things that should've been done and probably would've if I'd seen one doctor on a consistent basis, not all these random emergency room encounters at a different hospital each time. I have insurance now, so why is it that I can't have a regular doctor? I know I need one. Anyone, enough about health.
I've determined I hate living with (any) people. Especially when I can't escape to my own room, or any room in this house. Someone is always there. Always making noise, always invading my space, always eating my food, always breaking something I own, always waking me up in the middle of the night for some ridiculous reason. I have to deal with all of this on my own, why the fuck can't you people seem to get it together? What's the difference between us that makes it okay for you to seek out my help, but if I do it, I'm asking for too much? I don't see the sense in that and if I don't help out, I'm seen as the unforgivable asshole. Not that I can't try to help, even if I'm angry or want to be selfish. I'm starting to see where I went wrong with everyone and it's got to do a lot with me wanting to believe people are who I think they are. I can't change them and they won't change because it's easier or better. They're completely selfish and self-serving. No one is looking out for anyone but themselves, which is what I guess I should've been doing, but I'm too busy attending to everyone else's problems (Funnily enough, they all seem to be females. Shocking, I know).
Can everyone just go away for 6 months? I need some fucking time to myself. I need to be able to do my own thing for awhile and I don't want to feel obligated to be there for you when I know you're not there for me (except for what I'm dying and you just happen to be witnessing it, in which case you watch while everyone else tries to do something about it).\
FUCK!!!!!
The only thing that I have is my music. It's still mine. It's getting better, but I'm having so much trouble focusing on it through all of the bullshit. The mornings are the only moments of peace of I have and only during the weekdays. I need this to go somewhere. It seems like my only out. I need to get trained in theory and production. Once I've acquired that knowlledge, I know I can go somewhere. I've done everything I have without any real understanding of what I'm doing and it all sounds pretty good.
Today is someone else's birthday and despite all that's going on with that person, I'll have to wait for another day to unload on them because I'm going to do something indescribably nice simply because I care. Wow, what a novelty.
I'm not fucking happy.