CW: Self-Indulgent
I'm feeling oddly contemplative tonight, despite the piles of work I have to do, all due tomorrow - a consequence of deciding against going to work earlier today in favor of sleeping. I even took the effort of setting up my record player despite the unfortunate truth that I can barely discern the difference in quality of "real music" vs the Spotify remasters. It's all about the nostalgia tonight, I suppose - the tediousness, forcing everything to slow down for reflection.
Is it because my birthday is coming up and I've had to give up the grand plans I had for it? Is it because the dread of the recent developments at work haven't fully sunk in and I'm forcing a calm before a storm that I know is coming? Is it because I haven't had time to sit down and write for I-don't-know-how-long-anymore? It's all these things, I guess, and more. Echoing a tired irony, my (our) literal two years in partial isolation has been less private than my life pre-pandemic. I've always loved sneaking out of my small spaces to be "alone" in public, to feel small and insignificant in a bigger world. Quietly ruminating the day while being surrounded by fellow ruminators in a cafe, nibbling on delicious (unfortunately overpriced) desserts. Nursing a drink in the corner booth of a hidden bar, inner monologues competing with booming 90s hits in the background. Walking around a busy city mindlessly, only conscious enough to avoid traffic violations and colliding with other people. What am I thinking as I do these things? Everything and nothing at all - the dumb shows I've been into, the meaning of life, half-baked ideas, things I'd never share to my closest friends, things I want to share with the entire world eventually. I guess things I said I'd write in my LJ but never got to.
Gosh, I'm tearing up a bit thinking of how good I had it hahaha.
Sitting here as my family sleeps, accompanied just by the stylings of Ebe Dancel via the most pretentious way of listening to music, I feel like I've captured that bit of privacy again (work priorities be damned). Sometimes, I don't know if I'm really an introvert, I'm not entirely uncomfortable sharing things with others. I get lonely, missing a different set of people everyday even if they're just a message away. But I guess missing the self is also a thing, as trite as that sounds lol, and it gets buried deeper as hopelessness and the desire to see others in person piles on in our isolation. Yes, this is lowkey a self-love post, I now realize haha. I know the world isn't doing well now - I rant about this on Twitter everyday (yeah, that's where I've been lol) - but there's no harm sparing an hour to be an idle Pisces. I'll be back to bardagulan hell, Genshin trash, and as soon as this gets posted.