Ending of Hiatus
My hiatus ends tomorrow, and I may decide to end it earlier in light of some extremely depressing news. Its been three weeks since I swore off DBSK, and what did I get out of it? A lot. Or maybe it was nothing. These are the main things, and they are severely abbreviated because, lets face it, I don't want you to know everything about me and you don't want to know either. These are in chronological order of occurrence.
1. DBSK was not the problem. The problem is with me and the computer; DBSK just happened to be one of the things that kept me on the Internet for the past two years. The problem goes much beyond them, however.
2. The act of literally giving them up was a test of my personal self-control. I was fighting the fact that I was obsessed, and I was giving myself a better chance of doing well in school, where I have always slacked. I believe that I can live without DBSK and be happy and healthy.
3. I loved DBSK partly because it was something American girls don't understand, but in the DBSK fandom, I was just like everyone else. I don't want to be like them; fandom is a terrifying hierarchy where everybody judges everybody else based on how long they've been a fan and how much they know. Its stupid. I want to be a fan because I like their music and admire their work ethic, not because they took the most pictures or have the largest fan club. A lot of girls are tired of the stereotyping. So I'm just stepping away.
4. Looking and listening to them less= thinking about them less. I like that they were out of my head unless I chose to put them there.
5. If it weren't these five boys, I would be thinking about other boys. I've dreamed about boys since I was little, no joke. I think the reason they appealed so much is because I saw so much of them that I knew they were real, and I could imagine their personalities so easily. When I saw them in person, however, it did change my perception a little. They ARE real, and because of that, they deserve privacy just like anybody else. 1) its easy to use them for my own purposes, but they aren't unique and 2) i have to remember they're real people and respect them as such.
6. On the other hand, hiatus was like losing touch with someone you love. I missed out on things that happened to them, and I felt unsupportive and disconnected... but they don't know who I am. I was missing a family of my illusions.
7. In order to take DBSK out of my life I had to take out countless other people. I've met a lot of people through the fandom, and we have become friends because we have OTHER things in common. Its been really boring without staying in touch with them and its kind of sad how fandom and so many friends come hand-in-hand. What if those friendships were really only built on fangirling?
8. It annoys me that I can't get away from them. I got to the point now where it actually annoyed me to see them--I saw them on people's userpics or on recommended videos on youtube or Gretchen accidentally played the beginning of one of their songs and it annoyed me that I couldn't get away.
9. I know I've mentioned this before, but look how much effort I've put into converting people to DBSK rather than God in the past. If I had mentioned God to every person I've shared DBSK with, I could have converted somebody by now. What if I had this much passion for God?
10. Life is kind of boring without them. Although I used to let them take up too much of my time, at least I was entertained. I feel like I should have a sense of maturity from realizing my true priorities but thats not the problem. I've always known what my priorities SHOULD be, I just haven't done it right.
11. Fanfiction IS a problem. It is a problem. It. is. a problem. My fic inspiration has been getting slower and slower without them, which makes sense, and I've been having fiction inspiration in its place, but its really dry stuff. I can't characterize real fictional characters becaue I know they aren't real, I guess. But fanfiction is the problem in my faith. The nature of the things that I write are a problem waiting to be solved. If I discontinued everything I'm writing now, no one would miss it. The only reason I fight that is because its my only sense of self-accomplishment, but what's more important, pride or God? Stupid question.
12. I think I'll go back to their musical world but not the news world. Its stalkerish. And I already know its going to be weird to look at them again, because I've trained myself not to. I told myself it was wrong. So now what do I do? I looked at the package my 4th CD came in last night and I considered sending it back.
13. Now life is just weird, I'm depressed, and I don't like myself. This is like high school all over again. I'm not sure that hiatus benefited me at all.
1. DBSK was not the problem. The problem is with me and the computer; DBSK just happened to be one of the things that kept me on the Internet for the past two years. The problem goes much beyond them, however.
2. The act of literally giving them up was a test of my personal self-control. I was fighting the fact that I was obsessed, and I was giving myself a better chance of doing well in school, where I have always slacked. I believe that I can live without DBSK and be happy and healthy.
3. I loved DBSK partly because it was something American girls don't understand, but in the DBSK fandom, I was just like everyone else. I don't want to be like them; fandom is a terrifying hierarchy where everybody judges everybody else based on how long they've been a fan and how much they know. Its stupid. I want to be a fan because I like their music and admire their work ethic, not because they took the most pictures or have the largest fan club. A lot of girls are tired of the stereotyping. So I'm just stepping away.
4. Looking and listening to them less= thinking about them less. I like that they were out of my head unless I chose to put them there.
5. If it weren't these five boys, I would be thinking about other boys. I've dreamed about boys since I was little, no joke. I think the reason they appealed so much is because I saw so much of them that I knew they were real, and I could imagine their personalities so easily. When I saw them in person, however, it did change my perception a little. They ARE real, and because of that, they deserve privacy just like anybody else. 1) its easy to use them for my own purposes, but they aren't unique and 2) i have to remember they're real people and respect them as such.
6. On the other hand, hiatus was like losing touch with someone you love. I missed out on things that happened to them, and I felt unsupportive and disconnected... but they don't know who I am. I was missing a family of my illusions.
7. In order to take DBSK out of my life I had to take out countless other people. I've met a lot of people through the fandom, and we have become friends because we have OTHER things in common. Its been really boring without staying in touch with them and its kind of sad how fandom and so many friends come hand-in-hand. What if those friendships were really only built on fangirling?
8. It annoys me that I can't get away from them. I got to the point now where it actually annoyed me to see them--I saw them on people's userpics or on recommended videos on youtube or Gretchen accidentally played the beginning of one of their songs and it annoyed me that I couldn't get away.
9. I know I've mentioned this before, but look how much effort I've put into converting people to DBSK rather than God in the past. If I had mentioned God to every person I've shared DBSK with, I could have converted somebody by now. What if I had this much passion for God?
10. Life is kind of boring without them. Although I used to let them take up too much of my time, at least I was entertained. I feel like I should have a sense of maturity from realizing my true priorities but thats not the problem. I've always known what my priorities SHOULD be, I just haven't done it right.
11. Fanfiction IS a problem. It is a problem. It. is. a problem. My fic inspiration has been getting slower and slower without them, which makes sense, and I've been having fiction inspiration in its place, but its really dry stuff. I can't characterize real fictional characters becaue I know they aren't real, I guess. But fanfiction is the problem in my faith. The nature of the things that I write are a problem waiting to be solved. If I discontinued everything I'm writing now, no one would miss it. The only reason I fight that is because its my only sense of self-accomplishment, but what's more important, pride or God? Stupid question.
12. I think I'll go back to their musical world but not the news world. Its stalkerish. And I already know its going to be weird to look at them again, because I've trained myself not to. I told myself it was wrong. So now what do I do? I looked at the package my 4th CD came in last night and I considered sending it back.
13. Now life is just weird, I'm depressed, and I don't like myself. This is like high school all over again. I'm not sure that hiatus benefited me at all.