pointless conclusion; twofold

[morningblush]

... i am tired. physically and mentally. all i want to do.. is enjoy life, and yet somehow, i always make it so i can't. yes, i have fun with certain people, but i am never truly satisfied. i feel like, that is all i am to some people: fun. nothing more, nothing less. just fun. i don't really mean... anything important to them. perhaps i am.. too easy to influence, to persuade... maybe that is why my friends like me so much. i am easy. easy to get to do things i don't really want to do, or participate in. get high, have sex, get drunk, and spend money. perhaps i am just... easy. that word scares me actually. it makes me feel disgusted with myself. perhaps i am just a toy, and yet.. it isn't just their fault.. i let it happen. i let myself be used, and abused. i let myself be fucked up, and participate in things... in situations (with certain people), that i would never think of doing had my mind been left alone to think by itself. i can even sit here now, and say i will never let it happen again... but... i am not sure. i am not that strong. perhaps it is because i feel like it will make me.. a more.. fun, outgoing, person... or maybe i feel it will make them happy... so it has to happen that way? i can't let people be sad... be disappointed.. so i give my mind, and my body to them.. to use. i let my body be fucked up. i am just not strong enough...

and therefore, i deserve all of it. i should be strong enough to stand up for myself... what i want to do, or not do.

and yet, i am not. so here i find myself... miserable inside... and feeling disgusting. i enjoy myself, with them... but not completely... my heart is not into it.

i just want to be happy with who i am. but i... don't know how to do that. i have no idea at all. as much as i change the outside... the inside... still.. is not good enough. for myself, or for everyone around me.