(no subject)
I am depressed. I am struggling right now. I don't know why. I wish I had a specific reason - but I really don't. I keep trying to find a way to justify it. To explain to myself why I have no motivation. Why I don't want to go to school (and yes, my hyper and over half boy grade 2 class so contributes to not wanting to go to school). Why I only want to smoke and watch Netflix and sleep. Seriously, those three things sound like the best 3 things in the world. I watched all of The Good Wife the past month and a half. Now I am watching Scandal. So far, so good.
In terms of the depression, I am so lost. I don't know why. Maybe there doesn't need to be a reason why? But it makes no sense. I feel like some part of me has always been depressed, since childhood - no serious friends as a young kid, a handful in high school (and none at my own school, they all went to different schools). I seriously contemplated suicide as a teenager. I think I framed it in my head as I wasn't really suicidal, I was doing it to "be cool", to be different, to get attention from the few friends I did have. But I think I was really depressed then. Who actually thinks that is an okay thing, to fake depression? Anyways, I went from that to my first serious local boyfriend in the first year of University, Ryan, whom we all know turned into an abusive dickbag who took advantage of everything good about me, that was starting to find my way, and manipulated me into being his dream girl, someone compliant and fit his idea of a perfect life (ie a duplicate of his parents). I let him. I was convinced that I wanted that too. That I wanted this perfect life and I wanted that too, and I didn't. I didn't want that. I led a lie for almost 9 years, and I was so angry after. It has been 5 years now. I am still angry with him - I am angry with myself. I hate parts of myself that let me become manipulated and angry and didn't focus on what I needed and what I wanted. Those parts that allowed me to be gaslit and were fed and grew because of him.
I am glad I am seeing a therapist. I am going to print out this journal entry and give it to her, I think. Hopefully it helps us figure out what is causing the depression, if there is a cause. I just don't want to feel like this any more. I want to feel happy again. I don't know when I ever was really happy. I am sure there have been moments. I know I was happy in Mexico on our honeymoon. But even then I had a couple panic attacks and freaked out (one related to scuba diving, the second that we didn't have a chance to have sex after the wedding until Monday night). I can't remember a time when I have ever been happy and content for longer than a few days.
I don't know how to move forward - how to cope on a daily basis or on a long term basis with depression.