Random.
Basically, since writing is out of the question… I think I’ll be typing two entries a day. I usually write once on Livejournal and once in my regular journal.
I can’t go to counseling anymore… I wanted to, and I email her do weekly sessions and I was going to go through group therapy at the same time. I didn’t think I would ever need this as much as I do…
If anyone has been keeping up with my journal entries, you know this is hard on me. I would never wish this on my worst enemy; to sit there and look at your instrument from across the room and know you can’t play… to get on facebook and look at 110 pictures when you know you can’t do it.
I wanted to fight this. I fought and failed. Many people don’t really understand what it’s like to want something so bad, fight for it, then lose.
I tossed the hat in… I’m ready for this to be over. I’m tired of phone calls, tired of letters, tired of people asking me what’s wrong. I went home for the quarter; and my parents’ still dealt with me going down and trying it for a week.
Nothing is “wrong”; I feel just fine, which makes this all the more frustrating.
I left Monday without telling anyone but a few people. Some of my friends (I don’t have any friends at OU, only people I talk to), don’t even know I’m gone.
One person I hope who reads this is Allison. All these months without talking to me or sparing a passing glance has paid off… now I’m gone for good. I hope you, out of all people, love yourself now that you don’t have a chance to apologize.
I’m still bitter, but I forgive you. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t have any close friends (except Jeff), I don’t have close girl friends… all because of what you put me through.
I was going to write you a letter this summer. I was getting ready to, then stopped. You wouldn’t read anything from me… you’ve made it clear that you hate me. I STILL don’t know what I did except isolate myself because I wanted to go home.
You don’t deserve a second chance. I need a friend now, not a person I wasted my freshman year trusting.
We went out for Valentine’s Day. Remember? We went to “craft night” because you and Mary wanted to… I didn’t want to but I went anyways. I saw a box of scissors sitting there and I freaked out and wanted to go home. You called me a “party pooper” but I said that you guys could stay while I went home.
I cried all the way home… and that was when our relationship turned around.
I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you……
I hope that one day… I will grow and forget you were ever in my life.
This is the first I wrote about you in months. I hope you cry over this and show everyone how much of an awful person I am… you took the time to show me that I can’t trust just anyone and if that makes me an “awful person”, then so be it.
I don’t need you; and you don’t need me.
That is why you unblocked me from Facebook, only to have me block you? You don’t deserve to have a look into my life, you are not a friend.
I hope you look at the damage you’ve caused, and give yourself a pat on the back.
Anyways… I go to the hospital next Tuesday for another test… I hope they find out what’s wrong