Rosh Hashanah
Rosh Hashanah was annoying this year. The chaotic timing between work and school. The difficulty with keeping the laws of yom tov when staying by parents who do not keep the laws of yom tov. The sheer boredom of a three day yom tov: 2 days of Rosh Hashanah immediately followed by Shabbat. My allergies acting up constantly, so I spent the majority of the holiday drugged and tired. Spending time with annoying, intrusive people like my aunts. Someone's baby throwing up during the service.
I struggled with the liturgy this year. It was so difficult to read that teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah (repentance, prayer, righteousness/giving charity) will reverse an evil decree. Too many truly good people have died recently. I believe in performing mitzvot because I believe the mitzvot have inherent value; I don't really believe that performing mitzvot will motivate G-d to keep tragedy away from me. I've been blessed, very blessed. Most of the time I feel thankful, but on Rosh Hashanah I felt scared. So many good people, people far better than me, suffer horrible losses. When is my turn? I'm not looking forward to it, but I keep getting the feeling that the constant stream of blessings is going to run out an a tragedy will strike instead, independent of whatever good I do. Not a motivating thought for the new year, but this is what was on my mind.
Socially, it was a good holiday, I suppose. I got a lot of social status milage out of Ari. I hate how having a boyfriend, especially someone as impressive on paper as Ari, so increases my status in these settings, but the questions were somewhat unavoidable and I must admit he makes these catching up conversations much easier. It's nice that my parents genuinely love the guy. That when I talk about marriage to him, my mother seems happy, her biggest concern being that I don't schedule the wedding for a day when she is already busy (this was when I learned why engagements must be 1+ years - to ensure you pick a date that works for everyone. Wedding planning itself does not actually need to take so long). I very much missed Ari this holiday. Not so much because Rosh Hashanah holds so much relationship-significance, as I actually get more out of spending an ordinary Shabbat or another more low-key holiday like Sukkot with him, but because his presence would have made the holiday easier. Even if he'd shown up in his jeans at the very end of the service as he is wont to do every Shabbat, his knowledge, optimism, and listening ear would have helped me get through the liturgy and he would have gotten my family through the 3 day yom tov. We talked on the phone last night, and he had a good time in Queens. He saw a lot of family and friends he hadn't seen in awhile, so that is good.
I'm feeling a bit rebellious today ,and I'm not observing the fast day. It's partially that I don't know enough about the Fast of Gedalia to remember why it is observed. It is also that I have 10 days to learn how to ride a bicycle in traffic, and I can't afford to waste good weather.
Checking my email Saturday night was bad. So much to do. Everything takes so long. Like setting up the bike today, I discovered that I don't have a pair of scissors to open up the packages of lights and mirrors in order to affix them to the bike. So now I need to buy some scissors....
I struggled with the liturgy this year. It was so difficult to read that teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah (repentance, prayer, righteousness/giving charity) will reverse an evil decree. Too many truly good people have died recently. I believe in performing mitzvot because I believe the mitzvot have inherent value; I don't really believe that performing mitzvot will motivate G-d to keep tragedy away from me. I've been blessed, very blessed. Most of the time I feel thankful, but on Rosh Hashanah I felt scared. So many good people, people far better than me, suffer horrible losses. When is my turn? I'm not looking forward to it, but I keep getting the feeling that the constant stream of blessings is going to run out an a tragedy will strike instead, independent of whatever good I do. Not a motivating thought for the new year, but this is what was on my mind.
Socially, it was a good holiday, I suppose. I got a lot of social status milage out of Ari. I hate how having a boyfriend, especially someone as impressive on paper as Ari, so increases my status in these settings, but the questions were somewhat unavoidable and I must admit he makes these catching up conversations much easier. It's nice that my parents genuinely love the guy. That when I talk about marriage to him, my mother seems happy, her biggest concern being that I don't schedule the wedding for a day when she is already busy (this was when I learned why engagements must be 1+ years - to ensure you pick a date that works for everyone. Wedding planning itself does not actually need to take so long). I very much missed Ari this holiday. Not so much because Rosh Hashanah holds so much relationship-significance, as I actually get more out of spending an ordinary Shabbat or another more low-key holiday like Sukkot with him, but because his presence would have made the holiday easier. Even if he'd shown up in his jeans at the very end of the service as he is wont to do every Shabbat, his knowledge, optimism, and listening ear would have helped me get through the liturgy and he would have gotten my family through the 3 day yom tov. We talked on the phone last night, and he had a good time in Queens. He saw a lot of family and friends he hadn't seen in awhile, so that is good.
I'm feeling a bit rebellious today ,and I'm not observing the fast day. It's partially that I don't know enough about the Fast of Gedalia to remember why it is observed. It is also that I have 10 days to learn how to ride a bicycle in traffic, and I can't afford to waste good weather.
Checking my email Saturday night was bad. So much to do. Everything takes so long. Like setting up the bike today, I discovered that I don't have a pair of scissors to open up the packages of lights and mirrors in order to affix them to the bike. So now I need to buy some scissors....