I pushed my hand through the thorns just to crush the final rose.
Maybe we're all born with a protective metal coating like a pomegranate seed has, an invisible placenta that prevents reality from piercing our tender brains, that allows us to fool ourselves until our last breath, that lets us actually believe that one day we'll be rich, one day the world will see our hidden genius, that lets me believe that somewhere in the recesses of your sweet heart and hard head you still care for me.
This isn't revisionist. Happy, even, though I hate to sentimentalize.
I'm sure you have your theories. In fact, I think you shared them with me a few times before you left. But they're incomplete. Compulsively I seek the correct telling, the right version: the truth. I feel I've just climbed out of a car wreck and I'm staring at the mangled frame, wondering what the hell happened, because the last thing I remember we were driving along okay. I'm not asking for help here; you don't need to weigh in on the matter - although it would be nice to hear from you - I'm really just working it out myself, and you're my silent confessor, a breathing face on the other side of the screen: Forgive me, for I have sinned and all that. And may I say your silence is about as comforting as God's.
✱ Skipper went into surgery wednesday because when he was neutered it never healed right and the vet had to see what was going on. he's better now. he has like seven staples where his jewels used to be. about a week and a half and they'll be gone. roxy cried all day when he was in the hospital. they've only been together for one month+ and they're so attached.
✱ I had a lovely day yesterday. first, i played 2 measures in the instrumental with the string section and cleveland said that he wanted to leave with a good though of us and didn't make us play any more. score. then i had lunch with sham. it was wonderful seeing him (you) again. except for those freshmen that couldn't walk right and kept tripping soraia. and those blonde hoes who kept shooting us dirty looks at subway. oh mann. the crazy dancing man at starbucks. good times. good times. and of course seeing ish and kim was dandy. finally i went Christmas shopping with my mom for a good number of my friends/teachers. how i spent over a hundred dollars at Sephora and only had a little bag to show it, i don't know. is it unimaginative of me to give my three male teachers gift certificates? i figured at least they can pick what they want at borders. i've been having way too much fun wrapping gifts. the first one i had to wrap was fricovsky's stila lip gloss set or else i was gonna end up taking it for myself. :)
✱ Today i woke up with so much pain in my right shoulder and it's been evident for a while. it just wasn't this bad. my mom picked me up after homeroom and i went to the chiro. a different one and hopefully it'll make a difference. on of them is named doctor falzone. (pardon my spelling.) it took me forever to figure that out, considering that's how much time i spent there. i kept hearing calzone. calzone. so the whole: my mom picking me up from school because i woke up feeling crappy is probably a one in a lifetime experience. not taking the test instrumental was the added bonus. and who got a 110 on her physics quiz? the first time this year. oh yeah.
✱ We just got back from getting our tree. i wanted to buy it from nik. i kept telling my parents she earned commission for each tree she sold but because we couldn't get in contact with her (you) to find out if she (you) was (were) working today so we stuck with the home depot. holy cow was it cold. tomorrow the Christmas lights go up. and i finish up the store bought gifts.
✱ There's a pet shop at the garden state plaza. those of you who know about suzy, you'll understand why this is important to me. there was a female Pekingese there who was suzy's exact color. and her nose made little bubbles like suzy's did. and when she saw me and my mom she pressed her face up against the glass and wagged her tail. she hasn't been priced yet because they have to determine how many champions she has in her background and that whole deal. suzy had one. the lady said she will probably range from 1,300 to 1,800. that's a rip off because we paid 850 for suzy and 800 for skipper. but quite honestly her cost isn't the problem. i tell my mom. everyone here has a dog. skipper is devoted to dad because they spend the summer together when we're away. roxy is used to you since you went to brazil to bring her, she's experienced more with you. why can't i have one too? and her uncanny resemblance to suzy also helps me with my persuasion. i even went as far as saying forget gifts for me. Christmas or my birthday. get me that dog. let's hope for the best.
so that's what's been going on with me. if you read through it, thanks. it means a shitload.
hope all is going well for you. drop me an IM, if i only know you through eljay.
i'd love to talk to someone new.
♥
and before i end.
thank you immensely to the wonderful fushigitenshi for my gorgeous icon. it was very gracious of you.
This isn't revisionist. Happy, even, though I hate to sentimentalize.
I'm sure you have your theories. In fact, I think you shared them with me a few times before you left. But they're incomplete. Compulsively I seek the correct telling, the right version: the truth. I feel I've just climbed out of a car wreck and I'm staring at the mangled frame, wondering what the hell happened, because the last thing I remember we were driving along okay. I'm not asking for help here; you don't need to weigh in on the matter - although it would be nice to hear from you - I'm really just working it out myself, and you're my silent confessor, a breathing face on the other side of the screen: Forgive me, for I have sinned and all that. And may I say your silence is about as comforting as God's.
✱ Skipper went into surgery wednesday because when he was neutered it never healed right and the vet had to see what was going on. he's better now. he has like seven staples where his jewels used to be. about a week and a half and they'll be gone. roxy cried all day when he was in the hospital. they've only been together for one month+ and they're so attached.
✱ I had a lovely day yesterday. first, i played 2 measures in the instrumental with the string section and cleveland said that he wanted to leave with a good though of us and didn't make us play any more. score. then i had lunch with sham. it was wonderful seeing him (you) again. except for those freshmen that couldn't walk right and kept tripping soraia. and those blonde hoes who kept shooting us dirty looks at subway. oh mann. the crazy dancing man at starbucks. good times. good times. and of course seeing ish and kim was dandy. finally i went Christmas shopping with my mom for a good number of my friends/teachers. how i spent over a hundred dollars at Sephora and only had a little bag to show it, i don't know. is it unimaginative of me to give my three male teachers gift certificates? i figured at least they can pick what they want at borders. i've been having way too much fun wrapping gifts. the first one i had to wrap was fricovsky's stila lip gloss set or else i was gonna end up taking it for myself. :)
✱ Today i woke up with so much pain in my right shoulder and it's been evident for a while. it just wasn't this bad. my mom picked me up after homeroom and i went to the chiro. a different one and hopefully it'll make a difference. on of them is named doctor falzone. (pardon my spelling.) it took me forever to figure that out, considering that's how much time i spent there. i kept hearing calzone. calzone. so the whole: my mom picking me up from school because i woke up feeling crappy is probably a one in a lifetime experience. not taking the test instrumental was the added bonus. and who got a 110 on her physics quiz? the first time this year. oh yeah.
✱ We just got back from getting our tree. i wanted to buy it from nik. i kept telling my parents she earned commission for each tree she sold but because we couldn't get in contact with her (you) to find out if she (you) was (were) working today so we stuck with the home depot. holy cow was it cold. tomorrow the Christmas lights go up. and i finish up the store bought gifts.
✱ There's a pet shop at the garden state plaza. those of you who know about suzy, you'll understand why this is important to me. there was a female Pekingese there who was suzy's exact color. and her nose made little bubbles like suzy's did. and when she saw me and my mom she pressed her face up against the glass and wagged her tail. she hasn't been priced yet because they have to determine how many champions she has in her background and that whole deal. suzy had one. the lady said she will probably range from 1,300 to 1,800. that's a rip off because we paid 850 for suzy and 800 for skipper. but quite honestly her cost isn't the problem. i tell my mom. everyone here has a dog. skipper is devoted to dad because they spend the summer together when we're away. roxy is used to you since you went to brazil to bring her, she's experienced more with you. why can't i have one too? and her uncanny resemblance to suzy also helps me with my persuasion. i even went as far as saying forget gifts for me. Christmas or my birthday. get me that dog. let's hope for the best.
so that's what's been going on with me. if you read through it, thanks. it means a shitload.
hope all is going well for you. drop me an IM, if i only know you through eljay.
i'd love to talk to someone new.
♥
and before i end.
thank you immensely to the wonderful fushigitenshi for my gorgeous icon. it was very gracious of you.