Flooded
I don't know if I love him anymore.
I know I love him as a person like you would a friend, but I don't know if I feel for him romantically anymore. The fact that I've been unable to answer this makes me feel incredibly sad. We talk every day, but I just can't seem to find any feelings returning. If I am honest with myself, I have to admit that they have been waning for awhile, and then when our marriage officially exploded in January, they just completely went away.
I have been so deeply afraid to open myself again. I can't validate why I should continue to try to move beyond our continual difficulties to find middle ground with our lives and through the pain of his infidelity to make myself vulnerable and give it one more heartfelt chance. It just seems to make more sense to give up and move on.
The group counseling isn't really helping. I'm not sure what we should be expecting to happen, but I just don't feel like our counselor is helping to push us in any direction. We've been seeing her for the past couple of months, but all we get through in the sessions is a re-hashing of what we've talked about during the week and then it's time to go. We've decided to take a month off from it while Justin works on finishing at least 6 songs to prove to himself, me, and everyone else that's ever doubted him that he really can finish his music and it is a viable thing for him to dedicate himself to. Since that has been affecting so many of the decisions we've trying to make, we thought it was a good thing to officially settle it once and for all. He has agreed that if he can't finish at least 6 songs, he will seriously consider going back to school and getting into teaching; if he is able to finish them, then he will need to try to seriously move forward with making music as a career.
Ever since he started this, I've tried to determine how I'm going to feel if he is actually able to finish everything. What will that mean for us? Will I still find that to be a viable option for financially supporting us and meeting the goals I'd like to achieve in the next couple of years? And ultimately, whatever he does, will he ever be able to develop a healthy and relationship-conducive sleep and work schedule? Last week he finally started individual counseling, which I think is good. Yet I can't help wondering how long is reasonable to wait around hoping that will help things? And what results are reasonable?
I keep thinking that I married and committed myself to him through sickness and in health and it's not right for me to consider backing out after only 3 years just because things have been hard. I feel guilty thinking about it - like I'm abandoning him and I'm not taking my marriage seriously enough. He reminded me last night that he stuck by me through my sex issues without even complaining, yet all I've done is remind him of how much is wrong with him and tried to find ways to "fix" him. And he told me that despite how inept I've made him feel, he's still continuing to try to make things work for us because he doesn't want to look back later and wonder if he did everything he could possibly do. I agree that it's important to keep trying, as I feel I've always tried to do, but where do you draw the line? How do you know when enough is enough? Have my expectations of him and our relationship been unrealistic or unfair?
I'm just so tired of being in this state of questioning and nothingness and feeling like I'm unable to move forward. I have no safe, grounded center to turn to. Maybe I just need to drive out to the middle of nowhere and breathe.
I know I love him as a person like you would a friend, but I don't know if I feel for him romantically anymore. The fact that I've been unable to answer this makes me feel incredibly sad. We talk every day, but I just can't seem to find any feelings returning. If I am honest with myself, I have to admit that they have been waning for awhile, and then when our marriage officially exploded in January, they just completely went away.
I have been so deeply afraid to open myself again. I can't validate why I should continue to try to move beyond our continual difficulties to find middle ground with our lives and through the pain of his infidelity to make myself vulnerable and give it one more heartfelt chance. It just seems to make more sense to give up and move on.
The group counseling isn't really helping. I'm not sure what we should be expecting to happen, but I just don't feel like our counselor is helping to push us in any direction. We've been seeing her for the past couple of months, but all we get through in the sessions is a re-hashing of what we've talked about during the week and then it's time to go. We've decided to take a month off from it while Justin works on finishing at least 6 songs to prove to himself, me, and everyone else that's ever doubted him that he really can finish his music and it is a viable thing for him to dedicate himself to. Since that has been affecting so many of the decisions we've trying to make, we thought it was a good thing to officially settle it once and for all. He has agreed that if he can't finish at least 6 songs, he will seriously consider going back to school and getting into teaching; if he is able to finish them, then he will need to try to seriously move forward with making music as a career.
Ever since he started this, I've tried to determine how I'm going to feel if he is actually able to finish everything. What will that mean for us? Will I still find that to be a viable option for financially supporting us and meeting the goals I'd like to achieve in the next couple of years? And ultimately, whatever he does, will he ever be able to develop a healthy and relationship-conducive sleep and work schedule? Last week he finally started individual counseling, which I think is good. Yet I can't help wondering how long is reasonable to wait around hoping that will help things? And what results are reasonable?
I keep thinking that I married and committed myself to him through sickness and in health and it's not right for me to consider backing out after only 3 years just because things have been hard. I feel guilty thinking about it - like I'm abandoning him and I'm not taking my marriage seriously enough. He reminded me last night that he stuck by me through my sex issues without even complaining, yet all I've done is remind him of how much is wrong with him and tried to find ways to "fix" him. And he told me that despite how inept I've made him feel, he's still continuing to try to make things work for us because he doesn't want to look back later and wonder if he did everything he could possibly do. I agree that it's important to keep trying, as I feel I've always tried to do, but where do you draw the line? How do you know when enough is enough? Have my expectations of him and our relationship been unrealistic or unfair?
I'm just so tired of being in this state of questioning and nothingness and feeling like I'm unable to move forward. I have no safe, grounded center to turn to. Maybe I just need to drive out to the middle of nowhere and breathe.