FIC: Like this I love you, beloved. [Jaejoong/Junsu]
like this i love you, beloved.
jaejoong/junsu; 1,008
PG
junsu's getting married and jaejoong needs something to make it through.
umm, this is not the jaesu i mentioned in my previous post. :( i've always wanted to write this scenario, but never really found the right tone for it. not even sure how i feel about this actually, buuut i hope it is at least satisfactory. title from pablo neruda's y porque el amor combate.
There is an hour left until Junsu says 'I do' and Jaejoong is sitting on a crate in the tiny alleyway behind the church inhaling his third cigarette in 15 minutes. There are two tiny bottles of whiskey in his hand that he snatched last minute from the hotel to act as life preserves until he can get to the open bar at the reception. He stubs out his cigarette and thinks about downing them both now. The only thing stopping him guilt; if there's anything Junsu deserves on this day, it's to have sober groomsmen up there with him.
The door next to him opens, but Jaejoong doesn't look up, expecting a stranger or Yoochun at best. It's none of the above.
"Should've looked out here first," Junsu says, squatting down in front of Jaejoong. "You've never really liked being in crowded places."
The bottles of whiskey drop out of Jaejoong's hand in surprise and Junsu reaches for them first. Jaejoong waits for the disappointed comments about them, and the smoking too, but there's nothing. Instead, he watches Junsu twist the tops off and hand one bottle to Jaejoong.
"I've been secretly looking for alcohol all morning," Junsu says, making Jaejoong move over so he can sit too. The crate isn't that big to begin with and his thigh presses flush against Jaejoong's. "Turns out there's not a lot of it at church. I was even going to settle for communion wine, but apparently they keep that locked up."
Jaejoong keeps silent, scared that when he opens his mouth, he'll panic and tell Junsu to go away when really, deep, deep down, he's thinking about kidnapping Junsu and how long they could last on the run.
Junsu tips his bottle against Jaejoong's and downs half of it, so Jaejoong does the same. It tastes like ass, but Junsu barely even grimaces and Jaejoong thinks about how much Junsu has changed since that first day they met. He wonders if anything has changed because of him.
"Actually, I lied," Junsu says suddenly. "Yoochun told me where you were ten minutes ago but I've been stalling, trying to figure out what I want to say to you."
"I hope you're not choosing now to talk about it," Jaejoong says. Junsu laughs and shakes his head. He's aware that everyone knows he's in love with Junsu, but only because didn't have enough energy to keep it from more than one person. It didn't really work even then. One day, he realized that Junsu looked at him the same way everyone else did and wondered for how long his secret wasn't a secret anymore.
Junsu doesn't make eye contact when he says, "Would I be a jerk if I asked if you were going to be okay?"
Part of Jaejoong wants to laugh and another part of him wants to hit Junsu for even bringing it up. "You're kind of a jerk already for being here," he says, and catches the way Junsu's shoulders sag slightly. "But I know you're not here for selfish reasons."
Junsu gives one of his awkward laughs and uses his knuckles to smooth down his hair. Even though it's something Jaejoong has seen a million times, something about it today, just now, makes him want to say and do stupid things. "You just do this a lot, you know?" Junsu says, looking over again. "Face things alone. Maybe I'm not the best person to be out here with you, but I thought it'd be more unfair to send someone else."
Jaejoong's hand finds its way onto Junsu's arm, his fingers curling around Junsu's elbow. Knowing he shouldn't, he rests his head on Junsu's shoulder anyway, thinking it would be okay just this once. "You're not really a jerk at all," he says. "I'm glad we can have one last scandalous, but romantic tryst in a church alley."
Junsu's laugh is sharp, but falls dead between them quickly. It sounds like someone conceding defeat and Jaejoong slides his hand down to grasp Junsu's tightly. They stay like that for a while: the quietness between them against the sound of traffic and guests filing into the church just around the corner, Jaejoong hanging on like Junsu's the only real thing to ever exist, and Junsu letting him.
Finally, Junsu takes his crappy mini-bar whiskey and clinks it dully against Jaejoong's. "Ready to get out of here?" he says, his smile too big and bright to just be for himself.
The only answer Jaejoong's allowed to say isn't the one he wants to give, but he nods anyway, slowly pulling away. They down what's left in their bottles and Jaejoong lets the alcohol sit on his tongue for a second, wishing it was enough to make him feel indestructible.
"Do I look okay?" Junsu stands up, swatting off any dirt from his pants.
"No." Junsu looks a little hurt as Jaejoong stands and reaches for his tie, straightening it and smoothing it down with his fingers. "You look amazing."
It's possible Junsu looks even sadder than Jaejoong feels. But Junsu has always worried more than he let on, always wanting to comfort those around him. Jaejoong doesn't know how to tell Junsu he can't do that anymore, at least not with him. In the end, he just lifts his hands to Junsu's hair and smooths down the sides with his knuckles, lingering a little at the ends. "Don't worry, I'll be okay," he says quietly, and gives the first smile he's meant in weeks.
Jaejoong thinks about taking the empty bottles with him as a reminder of the closest he's ever been to being something real with Junsu, except Junsu pulls him inside before he can grab them. But he's not heartbroken about it when the door closes behind them and there's no desperate need to go back before it's too late.
There's just Junsu in front of him, excited to start something new, and that feeling of finally being able to let go that Jaejoong's been looking for.
jaejoong/junsu; 1,008
PG
junsu's getting married and jaejoong needs something to make it through.
umm, this is not the jaesu i mentioned in my previous post. :( i've always wanted to write this scenario, but never really found the right tone for it. not even sure how i feel about this actually, buuut i hope it is at least satisfactory. title from pablo neruda's y porque el amor combate.
There is an hour left until Junsu says 'I do' and Jaejoong is sitting on a crate in the tiny alleyway behind the church inhaling his third cigarette in 15 minutes. There are two tiny bottles of whiskey in his hand that he snatched last minute from the hotel to act as life preserves until he can get to the open bar at the reception. He stubs out his cigarette and thinks about downing them both now. The only thing stopping him guilt; if there's anything Junsu deserves on this day, it's to have sober groomsmen up there with him.
The door next to him opens, but Jaejoong doesn't look up, expecting a stranger or Yoochun at best. It's none of the above.
"Should've looked out here first," Junsu says, squatting down in front of Jaejoong. "You've never really liked being in crowded places."
The bottles of whiskey drop out of Jaejoong's hand in surprise and Junsu reaches for them first. Jaejoong waits for the disappointed comments about them, and the smoking too, but there's nothing. Instead, he watches Junsu twist the tops off and hand one bottle to Jaejoong.
"I've been secretly looking for alcohol all morning," Junsu says, making Jaejoong move over so he can sit too. The crate isn't that big to begin with and his thigh presses flush against Jaejoong's. "Turns out there's not a lot of it at church. I was even going to settle for communion wine, but apparently they keep that locked up."
Jaejoong keeps silent, scared that when he opens his mouth, he'll panic and tell Junsu to go away when really, deep, deep down, he's thinking about kidnapping Junsu and how long they could last on the run.
Junsu tips his bottle against Jaejoong's and downs half of it, so Jaejoong does the same. It tastes like ass, but Junsu barely even grimaces and Jaejoong thinks about how much Junsu has changed since that first day they met. He wonders if anything has changed because of him.
"Actually, I lied," Junsu says suddenly. "Yoochun told me where you were ten minutes ago but I've been stalling, trying to figure out what I want to say to you."
"I hope you're not choosing now to talk about it," Jaejoong says. Junsu laughs and shakes his head. He's aware that everyone knows he's in love with Junsu, but only because didn't have enough energy to keep it from more than one person. It didn't really work even then. One day, he realized that Junsu looked at him the same way everyone else did and wondered for how long his secret wasn't a secret anymore.
Junsu doesn't make eye contact when he says, "Would I be a jerk if I asked if you were going to be okay?"
Part of Jaejoong wants to laugh and another part of him wants to hit Junsu for even bringing it up. "You're kind of a jerk already for being here," he says, and catches the way Junsu's shoulders sag slightly. "But I know you're not here for selfish reasons."
Junsu gives one of his awkward laughs and uses his knuckles to smooth down his hair. Even though it's something Jaejoong has seen a million times, something about it today, just now, makes him want to say and do stupid things. "You just do this a lot, you know?" Junsu says, looking over again. "Face things alone. Maybe I'm not the best person to be out here with you, but I thought it'd be more unfair to send someone else."
Jaejoong's hand finds its way onto Junsu's arm, his fingers curling around Junsu's elbow. Knowing he shouldn't, he rests his head on Junsu's shoulder anyway, thinking it would be okay just this once. "You're not really a jerk at all," he says. "I'm glad we can have one last scandalous, but romantic tryst in a church alley."
Junsu's laugh is sharp, but falls dead between them quickly. It sounds like someone conceding defeat and Jaejoong slides his hand down to grasp Junsu's tightly. They stay like that for a while: the quietness between them against the sound of traffic and guests filing into the church just around the corner, Jaejoong hanging on like Junsu's the only real thing to ever exist, and Junsu letting him.
Finally, Junsu takes his crappy mini-bar whiskey and clinks it dully against Jaejoong's. "Ready to get out of here?" he says, his smile too big and bright to just be for himself.
The only answer Jaejoong's allowed to say isn't the one he wants to give, but he nods anyway, slowly pulling away. They down what's left in their bottles and Jaejoong lets the alcohol sit on his tongue for a second, wishing it was enough to make him feel indestructible.
"Do I look okay?" Junsu stands up, swatting off any dirt from his pants.
"No." Junsu looks a little hurt as Jaejoong stands and reaches for his tie, straightening it and smoothing it down with his fingers. "You look amazing."
It's possible Junsu looks even sadder than Jaejoong feels. But Junsu has always worried more than he let on, always wanting to comfort those around him. Jaejoong doesn't know how to tell Junsu he can't do that anymore, at least not with him. In the end, he just lifts his hands to Junsu's hair and smooths down the sides with his knuckles, lingering a little at the ends. "Don't worry, I'll be okay," he says quietly, and gives the first smile he's meant in weeks.
Jaejoong thinks about taking the empty bottles with him as a reminder of the closest he's ever been to being something real with Junsu, except Junsu pulls him inside before he can grab them. But he's not heartbroken about it when the door closes behind them and there's no desperate need to go back before it's too late.
There's just Junsu in front of him, excited to start something new, and that feeling of finally being able to let go that Jaejoong's been looking for.