FIC: I Can't Get No Satisfaction (Unless It's Yoochun) [Yoochun-centric; Yoochun/Jaejoong]
i can't get no satisfaction (unless it's yoochun)
yoochun's pimptasticness/everyone; 1,790
light R
happy birthday, yoochun. ♥ may your band members always sacrifice themselves in your times of need.
The morning of Yoochun's birthday, Yoochun shows up to breakfast last as usual. What's different today -- besides it being his birthday -- is that before anyone can say 'good morning' or 'happy birthday' to him, the other four all suddenly sport erections the second Yoochun's feet touch the kitchen floor.
Yunho and Junsu go beet red while shifting surreptitiously, Changmin looks confused, and Jaejoong just mutters, "That's a new record."
Yoochun yawns, the front of his pajama bottoms completely flat. "Morning," he says, grabbing some coffee. He pouts when he sits down between Jaejoong and Yunho, the latter's expression of horror inching up a notch. "Did everyone forget what today is?"
"Wait, go over there again," Jaejoong says instead of answering properly. He rolls his eyes when Yoochun gives him the Kicked Puppy Face. "Okay, okay. Happy birthday, Yoochun, bestest friend ever in the history of the universe." Yoochun beams and follows Jaejoong's original instructions. "Okay, come back." Yoochun does so, looking at him a little more oddly. "... Do it again."
With an exasperated sigh, Yoochun does, dragging his feet. "Why are you making me pace the kitchen before ten o'clock?"
Jaejoong has an unreadable look on his face, staring at Yoochun as if he's just been told that Yoochun doesn't actually exist. Suddenly he stands up and points at the crotch of his sweats, which is showing an impressive tent, and demands, "Why are you making my dick do this!"
"You have one too?" Everyone turns to look at Changmin who sighs after a second and pushes away from the table. He shrugs, unfazed. "It happened when Yoochun-hyung came in, but I made myself believe it had nothing to do with him."
"So um," Junsu starts meekly, though he sounds hopeful. "This is really all Yoochun's fault?"
Yunho buries his face in his hands. "This is not happening. Wake up, wake up, wake up."
Yoochun grabs a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter and peels it. Taking a big bite, he talks and chews at the same time. "You guys, I appreciate the thought, but another iPod would've been fine."
---
Breakfast is cut short and Yoochun is ordered back to his room, quarantined until further notice. The rest of them convene in the living room, their levels of arousal halved but the embarrassment still pretty consistent.
"Okay, we shouldn't panic," Jaejoong says. "This stuff happens all the time."
"Spontaneous group erections happens all the time?" Changmin says, one eyebrow raised.
Jaejoong pelts Changmin with a sofa pillow. "You know what I mean!"
"What's the plan then?" Junsu says. His knees are drawn up, effectively hiding anything from being seen. "Can we get rid of... well, it? Them?"
"We can try," Jaejoong says. "I think we should each take on a different method: cold shower, the old-fashioned way, and doing nothing in hopes it'll just disappear."
"That's only three options," Yunho says. He's got a pillow over his lap, which makes him look ridiculous more than anything. "Are we doubling up on one?"
Jaejoong laughs nervously. "Um, the fourth method is to go have Yoochun take care of it?" The other three blink at him. "What? It's totally legit since it's his fault to begin with."
"I'll be in the shower!" "Jerking off!" "I'm doing nothing!"
Jaejoong sputters after their retreating forms. "Hey, I didn't say it was okay to call dibs yet! Come back here!"
"Good luck, hyung!" Changmin singsongs before disappearing into his room. "Remember, be safe."
"I hope you go blind!" Jaejoong yells.
---
Jaejoong's never felt so uncomfortable going into his own room before. He thinks about knocking but then thinks about Yoochun making fun of him for days and that's definitely not something he needs right now.
Yoochun's sitting cross-legged on his bed with his laptop in front of him and giant headphones held to one ear. He looks up when Jaejoong closes the door behind him. "Hey, did you fix the prob -- oh."
"Please stop staring at it more than you need to," Jaejoong says, leaning against the door and feeling more mortified than he's ever been in his entire life.
Yoochun mouths an apology and lifts his gaze back to Jaejoong's face. "Since you're here, I guess you've figured out something at least?"
"Kind of." Yoochun stares at him expectantly. "Oh! Um. Junsu's taking a cold shower, Changmin's masturbating, and Yunho's just going to stay as far away as possible to see if it'll disappear on its own." Yoochun continues to stare at him expectantly. "... What?"
"Uh, what about you?"
That's the question Jaejoong wishes he was smart enough to avoid. He toes the carpet and mumbles some unintelligible sounds.
Yoochun laughs. "Okay, hyung, let's try Korean and a volume I can actually hear this time."
"I'm here to," Jaejoong starts out loud and clear but drifts off again quickly, "... to solicityourservices."
"I still can't underst--" "You need to take care of it!"
Yoochun stares at him and Jaejoong feels the urge to bury himself alive. "It makes sense, okay?" he says, desperate to prevent any awkward silence. "It's your fault even if no one knows why, so maybe it's your job to... you know... fix it."
A beat passes and Yoochun shrugs. "Well, all right," he says, closing his laptop and setting everything aside. "Come here."
"... Seriously?"
Yoochun gestures at him. "I'm not a sadist, hyung. It looks really uncomfortable."
"Oh my god, I told you not to stare at it!"
"Jesus, you're like the biggest baby I know sometimes. Do you want it gone or not?"
Jaejoong gnaws on his lip, then says, "If I do, we don't talk about it. Ever. It never happened."
Yoochun pats the spot between his legs. "This never happened."
---
It's strange, Jaejoong thinks, that while he's naked from the waist down with a hard-on and ready to spontaneously combust at any moment from extreme humiliation, Yoochun hasn't even broken a sweat. "Are you for real?" he says, figuring he's got no more dignity to lose so why not make small talk. "That you're about to help get me off doesn't weird you out at all?"
Yoochun shrugs, squeezing lotion that he grabbed from the nightstand into his palm, then spreads it with his other. "Yeah, it's weird, but if it's really my fault, I'm not gonna be an asshole and not help."
"Oh," Jaejoong mouths quietly, making a squeakier noise when Yoochun tugs him back so he's resting against Yoochun's chest. "So, um. Are you just gonna... I mean - do I just sit here or. Are you just assisting so I should just go whenever, or is that weirder than weird, as in way too weird. I mean, what's the plan other than you making me stop talking please make me stop talking oh god let me die."
"I suppose that can be the plan," Yoochun says, and promptly closes his hand around Jaejoong.
Who doesn't know if he should stay quiet or let out the longest string of curses ever, so instead, says God's name in vain and fists the sheets until his knuckles turn white.
Yoochun has the nerve to chuckle at him, which Jaejoong doesn't appreciate and is about to express so verbally, but then Yoochun's hand tightens just right as it moves up and down leisurely and Jaejoong's a goner.
It doesn't take long, a few minutes at most, since Jaejoong's been hard for over an hour by this point. Yoochun's also disgustingly good at this, knowing when and just how much to speed up, so when Jaejoong finally comes with a low cry he's about as useful as a pile of jello and sags against Yoochun while he catches his breath.
Yoochun reaches for some tissues and wipes his hand off. "So, did it help?"
Side effect of feeling like jello -- he's just as articulate too. "Nnnrghh."
"I'll take that as a yes."
From elsewhere in the apartment there's two desperate-sounding "Thank you, God"'s and one moan from the other side of the wall that sounds painfully relieved more than anything else.
Jaejoong finds his voice again. "This is definitely your fault."
---
By dinnertime, Junsu looks to be in higher spirits after a brief scare when he thought his penis was going to be numb forever. ("It was turning blue, hyung! I was killing it!") Jaejoong assumes he's getting feeling back slowly but surely.
Changmin, however, is still moving around gingerly after swearing off masturbation for the next two months. ("I just spent the last 20 minutes chafing myself.") Jaejoong gives him ice cream with Yoochun's birthday cake.
"I don't get it," Yunho says when they're all in the living room and giving Yoochun his presents. "We've been around Yoochun for years. Why did this happen now?"
"Sweet! An iPod," Yoochun says, grinning at Jaejoong. "Thanks, hyung." Jaejoong just nods and smiles back; he's still having random episodes where he tries to say something to Yoochun but it comes out in toddler babble instead. "Hey, do you think if I gave Junsu's hair stylist my old iPod with a random mix on it and say they're songs that remind me of her, she'll stop throwing makeup brushes at me whenever I walk by?"
"Shut up, you slept with Sunhee noona?" Junsu whines. "She's been pissy all week and keeps pulling at my hair too hard. Seriously, Yoochun, which ones haven't you slept with already?"
Jaejoong resists facepalming when Yoochun starts counting on his fingers. Yunho has less self-control. "Huh," Yoochun says, like he's surprised at himself. "I think I've slept with all of them now." Junsu throws wrapping paper at him.
"... Wait. All of them?" Changmin says. "All the stylists." Yoochun nods, shrugging like it's no big deal. "You could've mentioned that earlier!"
Yoochun laughs awkwardly. "Uh, I didn't think it was relevant?"
"Yeah, maybe, except when we have to suffer because you ran out of people to seduce!"
Yoochun laughs again, this time like Changmin's said the most hilarious thing he's ever heard. "You think you guys got boners because I haven't had sex in a week, so you had to play martyrs?"
Changmin crosses his arms. "Yes. Exactly."
"You're crazy, Changmin-ah." Yoochun stands up and stretches. "Thanks for the presents and cake. I'm going to bed and pretending this day never happened." He winks at Jaejoong over his shoulder. Jaejoong flushes and tries to suffocate himself in a couch cushion.
Changmin looks at all of them defensively. "You know I've never been wrong."
---
A week later when it happens again, except this time Jaejoong is left blissfully limp, everyone agrees that Changmin is never wrong.
Jaejoong doesn't stick around to find out who gets dibs on Yoochun's hand.
yoochun's pimptasticness/everyone; 1,790
light R
happy birthday, yoochun. ♥ may your band members always sacrifice themselves in your times of need.
The morning of Yoochun's birthday, Yoochun shows up to breakfast last as usual. What's different today -- besides it being his birthday -- is that before anyone can say 'good morning' or 'happy birthday' to him, the other four all suddenly sport erections the second Yoochun's feet touch the kitchen floor.
Yunho and Junsu go beet red while shifting surreptitiously, Changmin looks confused, and Jaejoong just mutters, "That's a new record."
Yoochun yawns, the front of his pajama bottoms completely flat. "Morning," he says, grabbing some coffee. He pouts when he sits down between Jaejoong and Yunho, the latter's expression of horror inching up a notch. "Did everyone forget what today is?"
"Wait, go over there again," Jaejoong says instead of answering properly. He rolls his eyes when Yoochun gives him the Kicked Puppy Face. "Okay, okay. Happy birthday, Yoochun, bestest friend ever in the history of the universe." Yoochun beams and follows Jaejoong's original instructions. "Okay, come back." Yoochun does so, looking at him a little more oddly. "... Do it again."
With an exasperated sigh, Yoochun does, dragging his feet. "Why are you making me pace the kitchen before ten o'clock?"
Jaejoong has an unreadable look on his face, staring at Yoochun as if he's just been told that Yoochun doesn't actually exist. Suddenly he stands up and points at the crotch of his sweats, which is showing an impressive tent, and demands, "Why are you making my dick do this!"
"You have one too?" Everyone turns to look at Changmin who sighs after a second and pushes away from the table. He shrugs, unfazed. "It happened when Yoochun-hyung came in, but I made myself believe it had nothing to do with him."
"So um," Junsu starts meekly, though he sounds hopeful. "This is really all Yoochun's fault?"
Yunho buries his face in his hands. "This is not happening. Wake up, wake up, wake up."
Yoochun grabs a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter and peels it. Taking a big bite, he talks and chews at the same time. "You guys, I appreciate the thought, but another iPod would've been fine."
---
Breakfast is cut short and Yoochun is ordered back to his room, quarantined until further notice. The rest of them convene in the living room, their levels of arousal halved but the embarrassment still pretty consistent.
"Okay, we shouldn't panic," Jaejoong says. "This stuff happens all the time."
"Spontaneous group erections happens all the time?" Changmin says, one eyebrow raised.
Jaejoong pelts Changmin with a sofa pillow. "You know what I mean!"
"What's the plan then?" Junsu says. His knees are drawn up, effectively hiding anything from being seen. "Can we get rid of... well, it? Them?"
"We can try," Jaejoong says. "I think we should each take on a different method: cold shower, the old-fashioned way, and doing nothing in hopes it'll just disappear."
"That's only three options," Yunho says. He's got a pillow over his lap, which makes him look ridiculous more than anything. "Are we doubling up on one?"
Jaejoong laughs nervously. "Um, the fourth method is to go have Yoochun take care of it?" The other three blink at him. "What? It's totally legit since it's his fault to begin with."
"I'll be in the shower!" "Jerking off!" "I'm doing nothing!"
Jaejoong sputters after their retreating forms. "Hey, I didn't say it was okay to call dibs yet! Come back here!"
"Good luck, hyung!" Changmin singsongs before disappearing into his room. "Remember, be safe."
"I hope you go blind!" Jaejoong yells.
---
Jaejoong's never felt so uncomfortable going into his own room before. He thinks about knocking but then thinks about Yoochun making fun of him for days and that's definitely not something he needs right now.
Yoochun's sitting cross-legged on his bed with his laptop in front of him and giant headphones held to one ear. He looks up when Jaejoong closes the door behind him. "Hey, did you fix the prob -- oh."
"Please stop staring at it more than you need to," Jaejoong says, leaning against the door and feeling more mortified than he's ever been in his entire life.
Yoochun mouths an apology and lifts his gaze back to Jaejoong's face. "Since you're here, I guess you've figured out something at least?"
"Kind of." Yoochun stares at him expectantly. "Oh! Um. Junsu's taking a cold shower, Changmin's masturbating, and Yunho's just going to stay as far away as possible to see if it'll disappear on its own." Yoochun continues to stare at him expectantly. "... What?"
"Uh, what about you?"
That's the question Jaejoong wishes he was smart enough to avoid. He toes the carpet and mumbles some unintelligible sounds.
Yoochun laughs. "Okay, hyung, let's try Korean and a volume I can actually hear this time."
"I'm here to," Jaejoong starts out loud and clear but drifts off again quickly, "... to solicityourservices."
"I still can't underst--" "You need to take care of it!"
Yoochun stares at him and Jaejoong feels the urge to bury himself alive. "It makes sense, okay?" he says, desperate to prevent any awkward silence. "It's your fault even if no one knows why, so maybe it's your job to... you know... fix it."
A beat passes and Yoochun shrugs. "Well, all right," he says, closing his laptop and setting everything aside. "Come here."
"... Seriously?"
Yoochun gestures at him. "I'm not a sadist, hyung. It looks really uncomfortable."
"Oh my god, I told you not to stare at it!"
"Jesus, you're like the biggest baby I know sometimes. Do you want it gone or not?"
Jaejoong gnaws on his lip, then says, "If I do, we don't talk about it. Ever. It never happened."
Yoochun pats the spot between his legs. "This never happened."
---
It's strange, Jaejoong thinks, that while he's naked from the waist down with a hard-on and ready to spontaneously combust at any moment from extreme humiliation, Yoochun hasn't even broken a sweat. "Are you for real?" he says, figuring he's got no more dignity to lose so why not make small talk. "That you're about to help get me off doesn't weird you out at all?"
Yoochun shrugs, squeezing lotion that he grabbed from the nightstand into his palm, then spreads it with his other. "Yeah, it's weird, but if it's really my fault, I'm not gonna be an asshole and not help."
"Oh," Jaejoong mouths quietly, making a squeakier noise when Yoochun tugs him back so he's resting against Yoochun's chest. "So, um. Are you just gonna... I mean - do I just sit here or. Are you just assisting so I should just go whenever, or is that weirder than weird, as in way too weird. I mean, what's the plan other than you making me stop talking please make me stop talking oh god let me die."
"I suppose that can be the plan," Yoochun says, and promptly closes his hand around Jaejoong.
Who doesn't know if he should stay quiet or let out the longest string of curses ever, so instead, says God's name in vain and fists the sheets until his knuckles turn white.
Yoochun has the nerve to chuckle at him, which Jaejoong doesn't appreciate and is about to express so verbally, but then Yoochun's hand tightens just right as it moves up and down leisurely and Jaejoong's a goner.
It doesn't take long, a few minutes at most, since Jaejoong's been hard for over an hour by this point. Yoochun's also disgustingly good at this, knowing when and just how much to speed up, so when Jaejoong finally comes with a low cry he's about as useful as a pile of jello and sags against Yoochun while he catches his breath.
Yoochun reaches for some tissues and wipes his hand off. "So, did it help?"
Side effect of feeling like jello -- he's just as articulate too. "Nnnrghh."
"I'll take that as a yes."
From elsewhere in the apartment there's two desperate-sounding "Thank you, God"'s and one moan from the other side of the wall that sounds painfully relieved more than anything else.
Jaejoong finds his voice again. "This is definitely your fault."
---
By dinnertime, Junsu looks to be in higher spirits after a brief scare when he thought his penis was going to be numb forever. ("It was turning blue, hyung! I was killing it!") Jaejoong assumes he's getting feeling back slowly but surely.
Changmin, however, is still moving around gingerly after swearing off masturbation for the next two months. ("I just spent the last 20 minutes chafing myself.") Jaejoong gives him ice cream with Yoochun's birthday cake.
"I don't get it," Yunho says when they're all in the living room and giving Yoochun his presents. "We've been around Yoochun for years. Why did this happen now?"
"Sweet! An iPod," Yoochun says, grinning at Jaejoong. "Thanks, hyung." Jaejoong just nods and smiles back; he's still having random episodes where he tries to say something to Yoochun but it comes out in toddler babble instead. "Hey, do you think if I gave Junsu's hair stylist my old iPod with a random mix on it and say they're songs that remind me of her, she'll stop throwing makeup brushes at me whenever I walk by?"
"Shut up, you slept with Sunhee noona?" Junsu whines. "She's been pissy all week and keeps pulling at my hair too hard. Seriously, Yoochun, which ones haven't you slept with already?"
Jaejoong resists facepalming when Yoochun starts counting on his fingers. Yunho has less self-control. "Huh," Yoochun says, like he's surprised at himself. "I think I've slept with all of them now." Junsu throws wrapping paper at him.
"... Wait. All of them?" Changmin says. "All the stylists." Yoochun nods, shrugging like it's no big deal. "You could've mentioned that earlier!"
Yoochun laughs awkwardly. "Uh, I didn't think it was relevant?"
"Yeah, maybe, except when we have to suffer because you ran out of people to seduce!"
Yoochun laughs again, this time like Changmin's said the most hilarious thing he's ever heard. "You think you guys got boners because I haven't had sex in a week, so you had to play martyrs?"
Changmin crosses his arms. "Yes. Exactly."
"You're crazy, Changmin-ah." Yoochun stands up and stretches. "Thanks for the presents and cake. I'm going to bed and pretending this day never happened." He winks at Jaejoong over his shoulder. Jaejoong flushes and tries to suffocate himself in a couch cushion.
Changmin looks at all of them defensively. "You know I've never been wrong."
---
A week later when it happens again, except this time Jaejoong is left blissfully limp, everyone agrees that Changmin is never wrong.
Jaejoong doesn't stick around to find out who gets dibs on Yoochun's hand.