lost
Man, it took me forever to figure out how to post a picture on this site. Bonnie had to help me for almost an hour explain everything. I hope people can actually see it. Anyway, I woke up late today. Rookie camp starts at 8:00 am on the dot and that's about when I woke up...so yeah, I was about 10 minutes late, meaning I had to run two laps around the field. I majorly cut the corners too. I'm glad they didn't care. I need to get back in shape. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be on time. Yesterday I woke up at 6:45 and thought it was 7:45, so I ran out the door to race to the school to find out that I had showed up an extra hour early. Smart me. I've been feeling really out of it lately and I don't really know why...or how..or whatever. Hmm..yes I do...
It all started June 30, the last day of the month. I had gotten off of work and called people to see if they wanted to hang out. To make a long story short, people told me that they were going to a park. I told them that I had to drop off a camera and then drop off some money for my brother and then I would meet them there.After I had run my errands and showed up at the park, they left me a note and directions on their next location. So I drive around for like 10 minutes trying to find the spot and when I do, they weren't there! I was so pissed, I started crying on my way home. When I walked in the door my mom was like "adam called, they're at billy's house." and by the way, Billy's house was right across the street from where they told me they would be, and they couldn't wait a few more minutes. I decided to call up another friend to see if he wanted to hang out with me. We planned to meet at the movie theatre to see White Chicks. Anyway, the subject came up about a little bet we had made...nothing serious...so i thought...golly, i don't even remember how it came up...Mike just randomly turned to me and was like "you lose the bet, blahblahblah, and i can prove it to you." the one and only thing about Mike is that I don't trust ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth, so when he told me that he'd prove to me that i've lost the bet, i started to worry. The movie was hilarious. had i been in a better mood that day i would have laughed harder. to make a very long story shorter...oh nevermind...it just turned out that i've hurt myself in a way that makes me feel different. it's just a personal problem that really got to me. and i don't really like talking about it. for the next 3 days it was just non-stop crying, and i didn't know why. but on the fourth of july, i knew i could finally fix things..again, so i thought...and at the time everything was okay. unfortunately, i was a dumbass and thought that everything was going to be okay from then on. and boy was i wrong. after i thought i had worked out a bunch of problems with the person i was having the problem with, he just started acting like a total jerk. he probably had no idea...but man...it just brought me down...saturday robby had a eagle project and later that evening we had a pudding wrestling party to go to. so after the eagle project i asked if he could take me to the party and he was all like "no" but in his bitter sarcastic way he's normally in, so i thought he'd show up since he lives two minutes away. 5:00 rolls around and he's not there...then 5:30....and then 6:00, and finally at 6:30 carol calls me and is like "adam and maria are coming to pick you up". considering adam and maria live across the street from mallory..it just put a damper on the day. i felt used. i guess i really shouldn't. apparently it was my own fault. i even said to his face that he was a jerk. but he was all "you said you'd call me" which was complete and udder bullshit. why the hell would i ask him there and then for a ride if i were just going to call him? it didn't make any sense, mallory told me that he was saying that he should go pick me up. I love him as a friend so much, but it just feels like i'll i've done was bought his friendship...it just seems like he's ungrateful...he's such a confusing boy...
And it all goes back to me hurting inside...and it feels like it's for no reason at all. why can't our group just be nice to each other for once? we're always bringing each other down. i'm getting so sick of it. People are so cynical about things. They really know how to make a good idea go bad. For instance, last night I had people at my house to watch a movie and evan and i bring up the subject of going somewhere the next day for fun, but then people were like "i wouldn't go. you have to have a reason to go somewhere." which is again, bullshit. they just don't want to make anything fun. this is my senior year. i want to make the best of things. it could be the last time i'll ever see any of my friends again. one friend told me "it would better to be friends forever, than to go out with them and ruin that relationship." and in part i completely agree with him, but the more i think about it...the more i've realized...we aren't going to be friends forever. our lives are going to change after high school. we're going to get jobs and go to college and our feelings are going to change. and as for forever..well..forever is a very long time...no matter how wonderful it sounds...it's just too good to be true. so in the end...what do you have to lose? what's so wrong with giving someone a chance? i love everyone in my group. don't get me wrong, i would do anything for them. but there are two specific people that mean the world to me. not to choose favorites, but they're always on my mind. i guess it's because i've been through everything with one. from girly fights to lying for each other to buy a cd without a parent and then getting caught. and the other one is always keeping me on my toes. even to this very day. although he probably doesn't even know it. well, neither of them know it. they should, but they most likely don't. i just don't know what to do with myself. we don't do anything exciting. i want to go out and have fun while i'm still with them. i'm so scared to lose them, because i know it will happen...i'll lose everyone and will have to start over again. and not that that's a bad thing...i just don't want to do it alone...haha, i don't know. i wrote way more than i should have, and left out everything i shouldn't have to where nothing makes sense. but then again, i don't make sense. so i guess everything turned out fine. i just need to live life day by day.
Man, sorry that just wasted 10 minutes of your time.
It all started June 30, the last day of the month. I had gotten off of work and called people to see if they wanted to hang out. To make a long story short, people told me that they were going to a park. I told them that I had to drop off a camera and then drop off some money for my brother and then I would meet them there.After I had run my errands and showed up at the park, they left me a note and directions on their next location. So I drive around for like 10 minutes trying to find the spot and when I do, they weren't there! I was so pissed, I started crying on my way home. When I walked in the door my mom was like "adam called, they're at billy's house." and by the way, Billy's house was right across the street from where they told me they would be, and they couldn't wait a few more minutes. I decided to call up another friend to see if he wanted to hang out with me. We planned to meet at the movie theatre to see White Chicks. Anyway, the subject came up about a little bet we had made...nothing serious...so i thought...golly, i don't even remember how it came up...Mike just randomly turned to me and was like "you lose the bet, blahblahblah, and i can prove it to you." the one and only thing about Mike is that I don't trust ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth, so when he told me that he'd prove to me that i've lost the bet, i started to worry. The movie was hilarious. had i been in a better mood that day i would have laughed harder. to make a very long story shorter...oh nevermind...it just turned out that i've hurt myself in a way that makes me feel different. it's just a personal problem that really got to me. and i don't really like talking about it. for the next 3 days it was just non-stop crying, and i didn't know why. but on the fourth of july, i knew i could finally fix things..again, so i thought...and at the time everything was okay. unfortunately, i was a dumbass and thought that everything was going to be okay from then on. and boy was i wrong. after i thought i had worked out a bunch of problems with the person i was having the problem with, he just started acting like a total jerk. he probably had no idea...but man...it just brought me down...saturday robby had a eagle project and later that evening we had a pudding wrestling party to go to. so after the eagle project i asked if he could take me to the party and he was all like "no" but in his bitter sarcastic way he's normally in, so i thought he'd show up since he lives two minutes away. 5:00 rolls around and he's not there...then 5:30....and then 6:00, and finally at 6:30 carol calls me and is like "adam and maria are coming to pick you up". considering adam and maria live across the street from mallory..it just put a damper on the day. i felt used. i guess i really shouldn't. apparently it was my own fault. i even said to his face that he was a jerk. but he was all "you said you'd call me" which was complete and udder bullshit. why the hell would i ask him there and then for a ride if i were just going to call him? it didn't make any sense, mallory told me that he was saying that he should go pick me up. I love him as a friend so much, but it just feels like i'll i've done was bought his friendship...it just seems like he's ungrateful...he's such a confusing boy...
And it all goes back to me hurting inside...and it feels like it's for no reason at all. why can't our group just be nice to each other for once? we're always bringing each other down. i'm getting so sick of it. People are so cynical about things. They really know how to make a good idea go bad. For instance, last night I had people at my house to watch a movie and evan and i bring up the subject of going somewhere the next day for fun, but then people were like "i wouldn't go. you have to have a reason to go somewhere." which is again, bullshit. they just don't want to make anything fun. this is my senior year. i want to make the best of things. it could be the last time i'll ever see any of my friends again. one friend told me "it would better to be friends forever, than to go out with them and ruin that relationship." and in part i completely agree with him, but the more i think about it...the more i've realized...we aren't going to be friends forever. our lives are going to change after high school. we're going to get jobs and go to college and our feelings are going to change. and as for forever..well..forever is a very long time...no matter how wonderful it sounds...it's just too good to be true. so in the end...what do you have to lose? what's so wrong with giving someone a chance? i love everyone in my group. don't get me wrong, i would do anything for them. but there are two specific people that mean the world to me. not to choose favorites, but they're always on my mind. i guess it's because i've been through everything with one. from girly fights to lying for each other to buy a cd without a parent and then getting caught. and the other one is always keeping me on my toes. even to this very day. although he probably doesn't even know it. well, neither of them know it. they should, but they most likely don't. i just don't know what to do with myself. we don't do anything exciting. i want to go out and have fun while i'm still with them. i'm so scared to lose them, because i know it will happen...i'll lose everyone and will have to start over again. and not that that's a bad thing...i just don't want to do it alone...haha, i don't know. i wrote way more than i should have, and left out everything i shouldn't have to where nothing makes sense. but then again, i don't make sense. so i guess everything turned out fine. i just need to live life day by day.
Man, sorry that just wasted 10 minutes of your time.