Love
I remember the first psychologist I ever saw asked me if I felt loved, by my parents specifically. I said no, which suprised my parents. How dare they be surprised? They're not affectionate. Well, there was a list on the board, I think he wrote it. The list was of five ways people show love to each other. I was reminded of this as I was reading Worthington's book, Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. He lists the five, credited to Gary Chapman.
1.) Actually saying, "I love you."
2.) Physical touch
3.) Spending quality time
4.) Acts of service
5.) Gifts
I remember my father going through the list and saying, accurately, that mine wasn't up there. I can still see him shaking his head. I've decided what mine is. Understanding. I thought about it, and it's not empathy or even sympathy but true understanding. I was born with the somewhat illogical idea that if you don't understand me, you don't love me. I bet other people have empathy or sympathy as theirs.
I think this explains why I've never felt loved, and why I've loved only two people. I don't understand people, and I somewhat self-consciously think that no one understands me. I had often thought the man I find who understands me, I would marry. At the time, I did not realize I equated understanding with love.
These are such bizaare ideas to be born with. Or, I assume we're born with them. Perhaps it's even more environmental. I know I feel awkward saying or even hearing those three words of death, and that's probably because my parents never said it to me, or at least not that I can remember. Vera told me that Daddy used to say it to me and Sam all the time, but I don't remember. I think consciously that physical touches can denote love, but do I feel it? Probably. I think I feel love for DK when I hug him. I was concerned when he was born that I did not love him because when I held him I did not feel it like I did other children. Perhaps it was because he had too much of his father in him at the time. But now I'm sure I love him. The only people I've ever loved are my Granny and DK. I wonder if I love my father and brother. I'm quite positive I don't love my mother. I feel protective of my brother. But that's not love.