You're right, I wasn't blind to the whole thing. It's not like I'd read how much pain you were in and in some sick twisted way get off on it; I FELT HORRIBLE. This haunted me day and night. It's not like I could have piped in and made anything better about all this. You and others would have just thrown a slew of negative energy towards anything I had to say. But I still feel that I have a right to know your emotional well-being, and this was obviously the best outlet for it. I waited to contact you until you'd calmed down a bit, and this was a good way to gauge that. The soap opera-comment was just a metaphor, btw.
I could give a ripe shit about whether you remotely like me beyond friends at this point. And I think we have a different definition of exactly what "moving on" is... I'm not dating anyone, I'm not remotely interested in anyone, and for that matter, I'm not having sex with random people. I'm just taking time to grow as a person (because I have alot of growing to do) and just simply enjoy life and what I do.
So if something as trivial as reading your LiveJournal is this big of a deal to you, I'll stop. I don't care anymore. I WILL nothing you if that's what you REALLY want. I will say this, though: Don't repeat the mistake we made. Don't rush things with whoever you do find next. Take your time this time around. You and I went through a 20 year relationship in less than a year. I think you need to slow down your pace on things... ahem.
i wrote that last night and i was in a blind impulsive rage. that's why i think something's wrong w/ me.
i just really REALLY thought you didn't give a shit about me. and knowing that you were reading about my life still...i had a mental overload. i'm seriously messed up right now, and i don't know how to fix myself. i really really don't know.
i'm sorry i said all those things. i don't even mean most of the things i said 7 hours ago.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm giving up. you don't have to respond if you don't feel like it. i mess things up as much as you do. but i don't know what to do to help myself. whenever i've done any of the things i've done in the last 2 months, it's b/c i can't control myself. it's like this other side of me takes over, and i can't stop.
i guess you were trying to reach out to me again in your own way, and i just ruined it. you were trying to tell me that you cared about me, and i took it in the opposite direction and turned it around to be vindictive. what am i going to do? i'm just a big old pile of crazy that i wouldn't blame you for not to talking to now.
i think i'm just giving up. on everything. b/c i'm starting to not care. i don't know what to do.
I could give a ripe shit about whether you remotely like me beyond friends at this point. And I think we have a different definition of exactly what "moving on" is... I'm not dating anyone, I'm not remotely interested in anyone, and for that matter, I'm not having sex with random people. I'm just taking time to grow as a person (because I have alot of growing to do) and just simply enjoy life and what I do.
So if something as trivial as reading your LiveJournal is this big of a deal to you, I'll stop. I don't care anymore. I WILL nothing you if that's what you REALLY want. I will say this, though: Don't repeat the mistake we made. Don't rush things with whoever you do find next. Take your time this time around. You and I went through a 20 year relationship in less than a year. I think you need to slow down your pace on things... ahem.
Good day.
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that's why i think something's wrong w/ me.
i just really REALLY thought you didn't give a shit about me. and knowing that you were reading about my life still...i had a mental overload. i'm seriously messed up right now, and i don't know how to fix myself. i really really don't know.
i'm sorry i said all those things. i don't even mean most of the things i said 7 hours ago.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i'm giving up. you don't have to respond if you don't feel like it. i mess things up as much as you do. but i don't know what to do to help myself. whenever i've done any of the things i've done in the last 2 months, it's b/c i can't control myself. it's like this other side of me takes over, and i can't stop.
i guess you were trying to reach out to me again in your own way, and i just ruined it. you were trying to tell me that you cared about me, and i took it in the opposite direction and turned it around to be vindictive. what am i going to do? i'm just a big old pile of crazy that i wouldn't blame you for not to talking to now.
i think i'm just giving up. on everything. b/c i'm starting to not care. i don't know what to do.
i'm sorry.
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