Sunday nights...
Well, I haven't posted in here since...well, I'm not going to go check. But a lot has been going on, and I've been thinking a lot. So I'm going to indiscriminately spill my guts to the LJ public. I'm fairly convinced that none of my real-life friends reads this, so if you'd just leave a brief comment to let me know you read this, I'd at least know who I'm addressing. Here goes.
My job is great. My apartment is too. But being out of college has just been really rough. Bethany and Robin both told me that your first year out is hard. And I believed them. But somehow I thought I'd be exempt to that. In college I didn't love waking up for class or work, but I never dreaded it. Sunday nights have become melancholy, often tear-inducing events. Every single week. The fact that what lies ahead is another five days of wearing suits and waking up at 6 and sitting at a desk for 8 hours and doing often anxiety-producing tasks...that still gets me. When I was a student, I never dreaded the beginning of another week. I'm starting to worry that my life will turn into a "just have to get to that point" kind of life. Here's what I mean: on a micro scale, I look forward to my half-hour lunch break. Then I look forward to 4:30 when I can go home. Then I look forward to the weekend, or to an evening when Ben can come visit (which isn't often). And that repeats week in and week out. Looking forward to not working. And that's with a job I like! So eventually I'll fall into that routine (by God's grace...) but then it'll be something else to get through. Looking forward to an extra day off for Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Getting through enough work to saving enough to buy a car. Waiting to get married. Waiting to buy a house. Waiting to retire. I guess my biggest problem is that I'm afraid I won't be living, I'll be getting through life. Not being active, but allowing my days to pass by me while I'm waiting for something down the road. Does anyone understand? I don't know how to make my days count! I'm leading a junior high girls' small group at church, and that makes me feel like I'm making a difference. I'm joining several groups at church, which will provide something less selfish to look forward to. But how do I stop the slide from merely checking off days on the calendar? The thought that I'll wake up tomorrow and be 70 and realize that all I did was anticipate, instead of participate, that terrifies and saddens me.
Granted, this transition is temporary. The loneliness of living alone will eventually subside, or at least lessen. I'll (maybe) get used to business suits and 6 a.m. alarms. I'll have other things to look forward to than days off. I also feel a lot of pressure to figure out everything that comes with being an adult. I'm slogging through applying for my company medical insurance plan. I don't understand any of it. I have too short a credit history (even though it's 6 years!) to get good auto insurance rates. I buy my own food and pay my rent and everything adult, and it still scares the piss out of me. I feel like a kid trapped in this grown up's life. I want to have Christmas break and three months off for the summer. I want to stay out till midnight and sleep in until my 10:00 class. I don't feel prepared for responsibility and maturity and solitude.
Maybe the hardest thing (and also the greatest blessing--more on that later) is that no one I'm close to is in my position. Many of my friends are still in college. The rest are either still students or still at home or doing other things that don't require total immersion into adult life. I feel very alone in my struggles and fears. This may be by design, and I'm realizing that more and more. I have amazing friends. I think I tend to rely heavily on the companionship and advice and love of a few intimate friends. And this is good and right. But occasionally, God chooses to show me that I can't use them as a replacement for him. This became especially true a few weeks ago when I was at the low point of loneliness. ("Take some time to realize you're falling/No one loves me like you do" -Jars of Clay) God spoke to me that he's always there. Becky can't always be there. Ben can't always be there. And even if they could, they can't perfectly understand, they can't know what's best for me. So God uses their innate imperfection to highlight his perfection. It's pretty cool really. That's why feeling alone is a blessing. It's hard to see it that way sometimes. But I become more convinced of that every day.
Another tough thing is change. Change is inevitable. I know that. But that doesn't make it any easier. The feeling that I can never go back is unsettling. This happens at every big change. But it's just so black and white. I can't go back to living at home. I can't go back to being a student (at least not like before). I can't be a kid again. I can't be a camp counselor again. I can't have my stinking summer break (why is that such an issue? geez) I'm going to be waking up at 6 a.m. and wearing business suits the rest of my life! There's no going back to carefreeness! That gets me every time I think about it! Even if down the road I have kids and can stay home with them, there's probably even more work in that than in my job! Childhood and even college is such a unique time. And it's absolutely impossible to appreciate it for what it is while you're in the middle of it. Old fogies like me tell you to love it while you have it. That means nothing until it's gone.
When I studied abroad, my program hammered home the "culture shock" pattern. I realize that this time of my life is a serious culture shock, with maybe even more impact because of its permanence, as compared to the 4 months in England. Here's the blueprint: First comes the honeymoon phase, where everything is new and exciting and beautiful and perfect (see previous two LJ posts--clear honeymoon). Then comes culture shock: "Culture shock happens when you begin to delve deeper into the norms and values of a culture and notice the differences. This experience can often prove frustrating and confusing as you understand that not all cultures view the world from the same lens as you." (I stole that from some study abroad website.) So my current culture shock is realizing "adult" culture is ENTIRELY different from college culture. Even when you expect the culture shock, it still hits you like a commuter train. Next, God willing, comes the recovery phase, where you accept the differences and appreciate them. Haven't really gotten there yet. Last comes acceptance. That'll be nice. Hm.. I hope it's not too far away. The obvious difference between actual culture shock and "adult world" culture shock is that you come home from studying abroad. You go back to the culture you know. There's no turning back here.
I'm being ridiculous. My life really is great. I don't think these are complaints so much as natural tensions inherent in a transition phase. You may disagree. Feel free to comment on my attitude, just please do it kindly. But this is mostly what I've been thinking about lately.
Cliff's Notes version of my life since July 18--yeah I went back and looked at the last post (please share your thoughts and please pray for me):
-honeymoon phase is DEFINITELY over
-in the midst of culture shock phase, perhaps on the upswing into recovery (stay tuned)
-my morning quiet times with the Lord have been incredible, and they're the only thing that helps me get through the day. I've taken to writing a notecard each day with verses that resonated with me during my quiet time, and taping the card to my computer screen to meditate on all day. Very helpful.
-still struggling with loneliness of living/eating/spending nearly all my "free" time by myself
-I think I miss my family (particularly my mom) more than I ever have in my life
-I'm joining the Crown financial class at church, a group that focuses on biblical perspectives to managing money. very excited about this class and learning/getting to know people
-becoming a member of Christ Church Lake Forest
-joining a women's book discussion group at church. First title: "The Bible Jesus Read" by Phillip Yancey.
-I've been running more! I ran almost 3 miles without stopping last time!:)
-Sunday nights are still really hard.
-I'm getting to know one girl at work, I think there might even be friendship potential here. Stay tuned.
-My boss gave me a big, important project, one that shows he has confidence in my abilities, but it's a little daunting
-nobody's going to read this anyway. and that's ok. i don't really expect anyone to. this is for my personal benefit anyway, maybe i'll make it private.
My job is great. My apartment is too. But being out of college has just been really rough. Bethany and Robin both told me that your first year out is hard. And I believed them. But somehow I thought I'd be exempt to that. In college I didn't love waking up for class or work, but I never dreaded it. Sunday nights have become melancholy, often tear-inducing events. Every single week. The fact that what lies ahead is another five days of wearing suits and waking up at 6 and sitting at a desk for 8 hours and doing often anxiety-producing tasks...that still gets me. When I was a student, I never dreaded the beginning of another week. I'm starting to worry that my life will turn into a "just have to get to that point" kind of life. Here's what I mean: on a micro scale, I look forward to my half-hour lunch break. Then I look forward to 4:30 when I can go home. Then I look forward to the weekend, or to an evening when Ben can come visit (which isn't often). And that repeats week in and week out. Looking forward to not working. And that's with a job I like! So eventually I'll fall into that routine (by God's grace...) but then it'll be something else to get through. Looking forward to an extra day off for Thanksgiving, or Christmas. Getting through enough work to saving enough to buy a car. Waiting to get married. Waiting to buy a house. Waiting to retire. I guess my biggest problem is that I'm afraid I won't be living, I'll be getting through life. Not being active, but allowing my days to pass by me while I'm waiting for something down the road. Does anyone understand? I don't know how to make my days count! I'm leading a junior high girls' small group at church, and that makes me feel like I'm making a difference. I'm joining several groups at church, which will provide something less selfish to look forward to. But how do I stop the slide from merely checking off days on the calendar? The thought that I'll wake up tomorrow and be 70 and realize that all I did was anticipate, instead of participate, that terrifies and saddens me.
Granted, this transition is temporary. The loneliness of living alone will eventually subside, or at least lessen. I'll (maybe) get used to business suits and 6 a.m. alarms. I'll have other things to look forward to than days off. I also feel a lot of pressure to figure out everything that comes with being an adult. I'm slogging through applying for my company medical insurance plan. I don't understand any of it. I have too short a credit history (even though it's 6 years!) to get good auto insurance rates. I buy my own food and pay my rent and everything adult, and it still scares the piss out of me. I feel like a kid trapped in this grown up's life. I want to have Christmas break and three months off for the summer. I want to stay out till midnight and sleep in until my 10:00 class. I don't feel prepared for responsibility and maturity and solitude.
Maybe the hardest thing (and also the greatest blessing--more on that later) is that no one I'm close to is in my position. Many of my friends are still in college. The rest are either still students or still at home or doing other things that don't require total immersion into adult life. I feel very alone in my struggles and fears. This may be by design, and I'm realizing that more and more. I have amazing friends. I think I tend to rely heavily on the companionship and advice and love of a few intimate friends. And this is good and right. But occasionally, God chooses to show me that I can't use them as a replacement for him. This became especially true a few weeks ago when I was at the low point of loneliness. ("Take some time to realize you're falling/No one loves me like you do" -Jars of Clay) God spoke to me that he's always there. Becky can't always be there. Ben can't always be there. And even if they could, they can't perfectly understand, they can't know what's best for me. So God uses their innate imperfection to highlight his perfection. It's pretty cool really. That's why feeling alone is a blessing. It's hard to see it that way sometimes. But I become more convinced of that every day.
Another tough thing is change. Change is inevitable. I know that. But that doesn't make it any easier. The feeling that I can never go back is unsettling. This happens at every big change. But it's just so black and white. I can't go back to living at home. I can't go back to being a student (at least not like before). I can't be a kid again. I can't be a camp counselor again. I can't have my stinking summer break (why is that such an issue? geez) I'm going to be waking up at 6 a.m. and wearing business suits the rest of my life! There's no going back to carefreeness! That gets me every time I think about it! Even if down the road I have kids and can stay home with them, there's probably even more work in that than in my job! Childhood and even college is such a unique time. And it's absolutely impossible to appreciate it for what it is while you're in the middle of it. Old fogies like me tell you to love it while you have it. That means nothing until it's gone.
When I studied abroad, my program hammered home the "culture shock" pattern. I realize that this time of my life is a serious culture shock, with maybe even more impact because of its permanence, as compared to the 4 months in England. Here's the blueprint: First comes the honeymoon phase, where everything is new and exciting and beautiful and perfect (see previous two LJ posts--clear honeymoon). Then comes culture shock: "Culture shock happens when you begin to delve deeper into the norms and values of a culture and notice the differences. This experience can often prove frustrating and confusing as you understand that not all cultures view the world from the same lens as you." (I stole that from some study abroad website.) So my current culture shock is realizing "adult" culture is ENTIRELY different from college culture. Even when you expect the culture shock, it still hits you like a commuter train. Next, God willing, comes the recovery phase, where you accept the differences and appreciate them. Haven't really gotten there yet. Last comes acceptance. That'll be nice. Hm.. I hope it's not too far away. The obvious difference between actual culture shock and "adult world" culture shock is that you come home from studying abroad. You go back to the culture you know. There's no turning back here.
I'm being ridiculous. My life really is great. I don't think these are complaints so much as natural tensions inherent in a transition phase. You may disagree. Feel free to comment on my attitude, just please do it kindly. But this is mostly what I've been thinking about lately.
Cliff's Notes version of my life since July 18--yeah I went back and looked at the last post (please share your thoughts and please pray for me):
-honeymoon phase is DEFINITELY over
-in the midst of culture shock phase, perhaps on the upswing into recovery (stay tuned)
-my morning quiet times with the Lord have been incredible, and they're the only thing that helps me get through the day. I've taken to writing a notecard each day with verses that resonated with me during my quiet time, and taping the card to my computer screen to meditate on all day. Very helpful.
-still struggling with loneliness of living/eating/spending nearly all my "free" time by myself
-I think I miss my family (particularly my mom) more than I ever have in my life
-I'm joining the Crown financial class at church, a group that focuses on biblical perspectives to managing money. very excited about this class and learning/getting to know people
-becoming a member of Christ Church Lake Forest
-joining a women's book discussion group at church. First title: "The Bible Jesus Read" by Phillip Yancey.
-I've been running more! I ran almost 3 miles without stopping last time!:)
-Sunday nights are still really hard.
-I'm getting to know one girl at work, I think there might even be friendship potential here. Stay tuned.
-My boss gave me a big, important project, one that shows he has confidence in my abilities, but it's a little daunting
-nobody's going to read this anyway. and that's ok. i don't really expect anyone to. this is for my personal benefit anyway, maybe i'll make it private.