That old kids game Carnies and Cowboys
I must say, there is an odd feeling one gets when walking around a public event with a gun on your hip and a rifle in your arms, I understand the fascination with the American Cowboy and how to this day still inspires a child’s imagination with tales of gunfights, saloon brawls, daring horse tricks and of course hottie saloon girls. However there is a dark side to the west and I am not talking about the attempted extermination of the original inhabitants or of the Buffalo. I speak of the being known as the Carny.....
Now some of you thought it was either my imagination or an unnatural fear of carnies that inspired my animosity towards this particular species, well I am sad you had to find out yourselves.
Carnies are in my book right up there with hippies, although the difference is some hippies have broken the mold (And recycled it) and do not fall into that typical hippie pattern. However there is no such redemption for Carnies, hygiene deficient, wearing clothes from a different decade, worst teeth then the English, uneducated, NASCAR worshiping, probably illegal, chemically dependent, lecherous (On completely different scale then us), mongrels.
That being said I have put together a little guide for surviving a Carny experience:
1. If you are a young lady please walk in groups or have 1-5 males of good stature (Armed of course) along with you. If there are more then one allow the male to hold them off as they may be able to survive their assault. Some carnies depending on their chromosome count and configuration have been known to have unusual strength.
2. If you must venture through alone then please carry a small bottle of mouthwash with you, if cornered simply open the bottle and in a H pattern start hitting them with said mouthwash uttering the words “The Power of Hygiene Compels You”. This should burn them sufficiently to make your escape. 2 toothbrushes in a cross configuration will also work in this situation.
3. Mind where you walk, know the exits and be mindful of where the nests are, if you do stumble on a nest you will not see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Back up slowly the way you came, if a mob forms take a textbook if you have one handy, some sort of English or Mathematics works best and proceed to lob it in grenade fashion into the group. This will buy you time for your escape.
4. Have a comeback handy; carnies by design are not quick enough to engage you in a battle of wits.
5. Resist the temptation to fall into their clever lines designed to draw you closer to their ride and/or game. They will attempt to play to something obvious such as looks, size, article of clothing with some logo on it etc. They can also lure you in with some nifty little devise such as the amazing marshmallow gun.
6. Avoid carny Kun-Fu at all costs, very few have been able to watch this martial art form and survive, simply because you break out in an uncontrollable laughter and are then descended upon by the pack.
7. Carnies generally imbibe more spirits then food, hence a candy bar may work for an escape, of course be wary of eating in front of them as well. Remember “Don’t Feed the Carnies”.
I hope this small guide helps any questions I will be glad to help out. Also on a side note this can be applied to hippies as well for the most part. If you find yourself at a Phish or Dead show some minor changes can be made to make this a hippie guide.
Thank you and have a carny free day.
Now some of you thought it was either my imagination or an unnatural fear of carnies that inspired my animosity towards this particular species, well I am sad you had to find out yourselves.
Carnies are in my book right up there with hippies, although the difference is some hippies have broken the mold (And recycled it) and do not fall into that typical hippie pattern. However there is no such redemption for Carnies, hygiene deficient, wearing clothes from a different decade, worst teeth then the English, uneducated, NASCAR worshiping, probably illegal, chemically dependent, lecherous (On completely different scale then us), mongrels.
That being said I have put together a little guide for surviving a Carny experience:
1. If you are a young lady please walk in groups or have 1-5 males of good stature (Armed of course) along with you. If there are more then one allow the male to hold them off as they may be able to survive their assault. Some carnies depending on their chromosome count and configuration have been known to have unusual strength.
2. If you must venture through alone then please carry a small bottle of mouthwash with you, if cornered simply open the bottle and in a H pattern start hitting them with said mouthwash uttering the words “The Power of Hygiene Compels You”. This should burn them sufficiently to make your escape. 2 toothbrushes in a cross configuration will also work in this situation.
3. Mind where you walk, know the exits and be mindful of where the nests are, if you do stumble on a nest you will not see a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Back up slowly the way you came, if a mob forms take a textbook if you have one handy, some sort of English or Mathematics works best and proceed to lob it in grenade fashion into the group. This will buy you time for your escape.
4. Have a comeback handy; carnies by design are not quick enough to engage you in a battle of wits.
5. Resist the temptation to fall into their clever lines designed to draw you closer to their ride and/or game. They will attempt to play to something obvious such as looks, size, article of clothing with some logo on it etc. They can also lure you in with some nifty little devise such as the amazing marshmallow gun.
6. Avoid carny Kun-Fu at all costs, very few have been able to watch this martial art form and survive, simply because you break out in an uncontrollable laughter and are then descended upon by the pack.
7. Carnies generally imbibe more spirits then food, hence a candy bar may work for an escape, of course be wary of eating in front of them as well. Remember “Don’t Feed the Carnies”.
I hope this small guide helps any questions I will be glad to help out. Also on a side note this can be applied to hippies as well for the most part. If you find yourself at a Phish or Dead show some minor changes can be made to make this a hippie guide.
Thank you and have a carny free day.