Some reflections
Ive been doing a lot of internal reflections lately. Thinking about my life, my future, where I want to take it etc. and ive come to realize a few things.
1. In terms of school there is nothing I want to do that makes even moderate pay. Acting, while highly enjoyable for me, is hardly what I'd call a money-maker. I haven't written in years, no songs poems or anything, and singing is right there with acting. Nothing Im good at is reliable for living off of. It honestly scares the shit out of me that Im 21 and still havent even thought of what I want to be doing in 5 years, 10 years, 20...
2. I would love to be married. As cheesy as it sounds, as ludicrous a thought as it may be for some of you to picture me tying the knot, id love it. I dont know why, but ive just had this nagging feeling like I need to find someone I could do that with. Its not a "im lonely" or "i want my soulmate" feeling. Its just a "i want someone to love and provide for" feeling.
3. I dont belong where I am. Im in Wisconsin and honestly, Wisconsin cant fucking handle me. It doesnt have enough. Theres not enough culture, variety, intelligence, progression, and forward thinking in this piece of crap state to satiate my needs. If I was ever to accomplish #2 it would not be here. The kind of woman I'd want for that does not exist here.
4. Should I head back out east? I honestly don't know. Sure when i was out there in january, I had a blast. I got along with my aunt and uncle real well, it was wonderful seeing my cousins again and meeting new family who seemed to genuinely care about me even though theyd never seen me at all or not since i was a baby. Its possible I could accomplish a lot out there. Its possible if I was good enough at DJing I could land club jobs, maybe even a permanent spot somewhere, but I can't rely on that. I cant rely on anyone or anything really. As much as I'd love to head back out there, to do something with myself, I dont know WHAT I'd do.
My cousin's husband told me how substitute teaching, or even regular teaching, would be a great way to at least get some decent cash flow, and I agree, it would be, however I do not tolerate children well, nor do I have enough love towards or faith in humanity to care about teaching the next wave of morons. All of the above things frighten me. Even getting married one day frightens me. The fact I am scared... horrified beyond mortal words, worries me. I am usually an apathetic or angry person. Being scared has not been in my range of emotional feeling for a long time. Im running out of time, I know it, and I have no clue how to save myself from falling further and further into a dark place I know I'd never get out of. I was there once in middle school but friends helped me out. No one would be able to help me this time. Only I can help me and I havent the slightest idea how.
1. In terms of school there is nothing I want to do that makes even moderate pay. Acting, while highly enjoyable for me, is hardly what I'd call a money-maker. I haven't written in years, no songs poems or anything, and singing is right there with acting. Nothing Im good at is reliable for living off of. It honestly scares the shit out of me that Im 21 and still havent even thought of what I want to be doing in 5 years, 10 years, 20...
2. I would love to be married. As cheesy as it sounds, as ludicrous a thought as it may be for some of you to picture me tying the knot, id love it. I dont know why, but ive just had this nagging feeling like I need to find someone I could do that with. Its not a "im lonely" or "i want my soulmate" feeling. Its just a "i want someone to love and provide for" feeling.
3. I dont belong where I am. Im in Wisconsin and honestly, Wisconsin cant fucking handle me. It doesnt have enough. Theres not enough culture, variety, intelligence, progression, and forward thinking in this piece of crap state to satiate my needs. If I was ever to accomplish #2 it would not be here. The kind of woman I'd want for that does not exist here.
4. Should I head back out east? I honestly don't know. Sure when i was out there in january, I had a blast. I got along with my aunt and uncle real well, it was wonderful seeing my cousins again and meeting new family who seemed to genuinely care about me even though theyd never seen me at all or not since i was a baby. Its possible I could accomplish a lot out there. Its possible if I was good enough at DJing I could land club jobs, maybe even a permanent spot somewhere, but I can't rely on that. I cant rely on anyone or anything really. As much as I'd love to head back out there, to do something with myself, I dont know WHAT I'd do.
My cousin's husband told me how substitute teaching, or even regular teaching, would be a great way to at least get some decent cash flow, and I agree, it would be, however I do not tolerate children well, nor do I have enough love towards or faith in humanity to care about teaching the next wave of morons. All of the above things frighten me. Even getting married one day frightens me. The fact I am scared... horrified beyond mortal words, worries me. I am usually an apathetic or angry person. Being scared has not been in my range of emotional feeling for a long time. Im running out of time, I know it, and I have no clue how to save myself from falling further and further into a dark place I know I'd never get out of. I was there once in middle school but friends helped me out. No one would be able to help me this time. Only I can help me and I havent the slightest idea how.